INTRODUCTION:
Stopher Cavins is a claircognizant psychic and intuitive blogger. His spiritual gift of claircognizance provides him with an uncanny “knowing” of information and outcomes. This psychic ability allows him to provide healing messages and clarity from divine sources.
Stopher offers psychic mediumship readings to those in need of clarity and healing. He also blogs on his website, (https://www.myfatedlife.com), about his personal journey in order to connect with others that have had similar experiences.
Stopher is an open book. He has taken a very winding path on his journey to where he is now. His goal is to share his history of successes, failures, traumas, etc. in order to help others understand the beauty of their own similar experiences.
Stopher spent so much of his life in a “me bubble”. Situations that occurred during his childhood presented him with challenges which he dealt with by going into survival mode. Unfortunately, he would remain in that defensive survival mode for the next 30 plus years. This would present a real challenge to those trying to get close to him.
Throughout his 20’s and 30’s, Stopher didn’t seek answers from within. He liked the idea of spirituality, but he would never make time to connect spiritually. Stopher’s time was spent protecting his “me bubble”. Ego was fully engaged, enabled, and empowered. Let’s just say that he was not the easiest person to be around.
For Stopher, this way of life was getting the job done. His fully empowered ego was protecting him from experiencing the pain and heartache that he experienced in his childhood. The flip side is that Stopher was extremely unfulfilled and always disappointed with where he was in life.
As Stopher entered his 40’s, things changed for him. The universe was tired of hearing him complain about not having what he thought he deserved. Stopher was launched into what he later realized was a spiritual awakening. It is hard to explain, but basically, Stopher felt the need to break free from absolutely everything that was holding him in place. Some might call it a mid-life crisis, but Stopher knows it was something much deeper. It was something that came from deep within his existence. The real “me” finally stood up and took control.
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· A discussion of “claircognizance”
· Does everyone possess psychic abilities?
· Spirit team defined
· Soul connections
· Dealing with death
· Hearing from loved ones who have passed on
· Military madness – Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
· Difficulties with coming out
· Life after getting kicked out of the military
· How family can suppress us
CONNECT WITH STOPHER:
Website: https://www.myfatedlife.com
Podcast: https://market-your-magic.simplecast.com/episodes
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyFatedLife/
IG: https://www.instagram.com/myfatedlife/
LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/3A9BMtQ
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/MyFatedLife/
YouTube: https://bit.ly/3A9BXFw
STOPHER’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
The Untethered Soul: https://amzn.to/3FADw0d
CONNECT WITH DE’VANNON:
Website: https://www.SexDrugsAndJesus.com
YouTube: https://bit.ly/3daTqCM
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SexDrugsAndJesus/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexdrugsandjesuspodcast/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TabooTopix
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/devannon
Email: DeVannon@SexDrugsAndJesus.com
DE’VANNON’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
o https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370
o TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
INTERESTED IN PODCASTING OR BEING A GUEST?:
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https://podmatch.com/signup/devannon
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00]
You’re listening to the sex drugs and Jesus podcast, where we discuss whatever the fuck we want to! And yes, we can put sex and drugs and Jesus all in the same bed and still be all right at the end of the day. My name is De’Vannon and I’ll be interviewing guests from every corner of this world as we dig into topics that are too risqué for the morning show, as we strive to help you understand what’s really going on in your life.
There is nothing off the table and we’ve got a lot to talk about. So let’s dive right into this episode.
De’Vannon: Hey, y’all my guest today is Stopher Cavins. This man is a claircognizant psychic as well as an intuitive blogger. In this episode, we talk about what the fuck it means to be claircognizant. I had never heard of that. It’s a really interesting topic. We discuss whether or not everyone really possesses psychic abilities.
Stopher tells us what a spirit team is. And we also talk about how to deal with death. We get into some military madness that has [00:01:00] to do with some tomfoolery that happened to Stopher related to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and he ended up getting kicked out of the Navy because of this bullshit. And then we wrap it all up with a scandalous love story towards the end that you won’t want to miss take a listen.
Hey, Stopher baby. Thank you so much for coming on the sex drugs and Jesus podcast today. How you doing? Hallelujah,
Stopher: Good morning, the van and I am good. Thank you for having me. I’m super excited. It’s a little early over here in California but I’ve got my water, my coffee. I’ve taken my vitamins. Let’s do it.
De’Vannon: California is a shit. My boyfriend, I would just like rocking out with our Cox out in Los Angeles all the way, you know, Halloweeny a weekend and get, I cannot wait to move back to LA to live and die in LA child. That is my dream. I’ve got to make it back out there.
Stopher: So you were out there.
in west Hollywood with [00:02:00] no clothes on,
De’Vannon: I was, I was dressed as Gar with no clothes on under my one Z.
Stopher: Alright, that sounds about right.
De’Vannon: The van and the nasty Pokemon.
So, all right. So this, this conversation here is going to cover a broad range of topics in terms of the way they stand out from each other. And I’m interested to see how they all tie in. So you bill yourself as a psychic, intuitive blogger on your website. There’s a term Claire cognizance that I, I think that maybe you originated it that I, I do love that term.
Oh, no. Talk about. The scientific stuff. You’re going to talk about the, when you served in the military during don’t ask, don’t tell is I did not, I’ve never talked to anyone before, who was actually ousted [00:03:00] from the military, from being, for being not straight or non-hetero as said, as succinctly put it in your blog and on, I can’t wait to get all the tea about that.
And then, and then we’ll talk about some more stuff. So just tell, tell, tell us what it is that you do, the services that you provide and what, what, what is the, why do you feel like the reason it is that you do what you do?
Stopher: All right. That’s a good question. So yeah, I do consider myself a clear cognizant psychic and psychic medium. And what I do is I just really connect with people’s energy. I offer private readings to people, anybody that’s going through a transition or need some clarity in their life. I do private events.
So, you know, this month with Halloween, there was a lot of parties just doing like mini readings for people. That was, that was a lot of fun. And then And that’s kind of what I do?
I help people through just kind of connecting with their energy, bringing in you know, past a loved [00:04:00] one. Sometimes they want to visit and bring forward the messages.
And it all kind of comes to me cognizantly. So that’s why I consider myself a claircognizant psychic.
De’Vannon: Right. Cause when I was researching you, that you it’s like you had to go through your own. Time of trying to figure out exactly how your gift works, as you were saying, like you would here, it is. I was like, maybe what’s your own voice. And you were trying to figure out if you were just good at guessing, or you were just making stuff up. So there was like a process for you to get to the point where you are.
So then where, where, where, where does your information come from that you’re giving people.
Stopher: Yeah. So that was, that was something I had to figure out because it’s extremely confusing. You know, we’re not taught throughout our lives to understand our intuition as one of our senses, you know, or how to develop, you know, like when we see something, we accepted it for what it is that if we’re, we’re hearing things, if we know things you know, it’s kind of [00:05:00] confusing cause we just assume like, oh, I thought that, or, you know, I’m, I’m guessing or whatever it is.
So I really had, you know, a lot of it comes with competence and just doing it over and over and kind of understanding, you know, this is coming from the energetic connection I have with somebody, or this is some of that something that’s actually coming from spirit on the other side. So I’ve kind of learned over the past six to eight months.
This is a relatively new journey for me, but learned to kind of distinguish it, just this, do how it feels.
De’Vannon: Okay. So when did you first know you have.
Stopher: I’ve always been connected really well with energy, you know, a bit of an impact. So, you know, if somebody walks into the room and they’ve got like, you know conflicted energy or they’re sad, you know, I usually will always been able to feel it. But it’s not something I was really like, you know, worried about or anything like that.
But probably within the past year, I’ve kind of recognized that this is something that’s developing. This is kind of a life purpose. That’s kind of taken a hold of me [00:06:00] and, and just know, it’s, it’s, it’s been a wild ride. It’s been pretty intense. So I’ve really been doing this you know, like having people like pay me for readings.
This has been happening since probably about April of this year.
De’Vannon: Okay. So you said it’s been intense, what’s the most intense thing, or what’s the, one of the most intense things that have happened in this vein?
Stopher: And intense in a good way. I mean, when I say intense, it’s just like to think of where I was and where I was in life in general and just kind of with, with my own healing and everything. This is just a through meditation and connecting with people and it’s really opened me up. I mean, I’ve dealt with you know, even doing stuff like this, you know, I I’ve got social anxiety.
So meeting with people and talking in front of people and being on a podcast is something I wouldn’t have done a year ago at all. So it’s been intensive my own journey and connecting with others and accepting their energy. So it’s been a ride.
De’Vannon: Okay. Give me an example. Of course, [00:07:00] without mentioning any names of like a, of a strong success story that has happened since you stopped.
Stopher: I’ve got a friend. I met her briefly at a party through a mutual friend and. Yeah, I felt that kind of good, energetic connection, but we didn’t, we didn’t speak much, but she reached out to me for a reading you know, she wanted to know about careers. She wanted to know about love. And actually in the past, probably less than six months, I’ve given her three readings.
So I’m kind of her spiritual advisor now, and we’ve developed a really interesting like relationship just about like, you know, a spiritual connection. And, and I mean, I, when I connect with her, I, I tap into her energy and she says she can actually feel like a shift. So, I mean, that’s very intimate that connection.
So I’ve never had that with, you know, people I’ve never allowed that. So that’s a, that’s a success story for her and for myself, you know, so I’m, I’m getting a lot out of it too. But I’ve helped her, you know, with, with her relationship and you know, strength through a surgery or surgery she just had, so it [00:08:00] it’s so rewarding.
De’Vannon: Okay. So when compared to other intuitives and psychics out there, why are you different? Why, why would someone be more drawn to you say than someone else.
Stopher: Okay. I believe 100% that people are brought to me by spirit and energetic connection. So, so it’s like a bigger thing at play. And I think they’re brought to me specifically. So if somebody comes to me, I believe it’s because I have a specific viewpoint or life experience that connects with what they need, if that makes any sense.
So I believe it’s all like cosmetic and karmic and, you know, we’re brought together for a reason. So it’s just my own life experiences and, and viewpoint and ability to deliver the message they need to hear. And if I’m not the right medium or psychic for them, I, I trust that that their spirit team’s going to take them to somebody else.
And I’m good with that. Cause, cause it’s important that [00:09:00] they get the Right man.
De’Vannon: Right now, do you feel like everybody, I’ve heard this said before most, most motorcycles I’m clairvoyants that I’ve either listened to or. I come across seem to believe that everyone possesses some sort of seismic, intuitive ability. I’m not sure exactly. To what extent I agree with that. What are your thoughts on the
Stopher: Yes,
De’Vannon: Y?
Stopher: I believe, I believe everyone does. And I I’ve got some friends that believe otherwise. But I believe to a degree, you know, it’s just like anything else it’s like, you know, being able to draw or run or seeing we can all do it. Some of us are gonna do it a lot better than others, right.
So there’s, there’s different levels, but you know, it’s all intuition.
I think of it as a, you know, it, I know when, when I read somebody and I, I, you know, hit something and it seems magical, it seems like, like I’m a wizard, but, but really for me, it’s more scientific. It’s more like, it’s just [00:10:00] it’s energy. It’s it’s a natural connection that I’ve just developed. You know what I’m saying?
So it’s not as, you know, it is magical, but, but also, it just seems scientific to me. It’s just like seeing and hearing, you know, once you develop it,
De’Vannon: So when you say scientific, you’re saying like it, is that your way of saying it makes sense. Are you, are you equating the energy of the spirit world with science somehow?
Stopher: Probably more so it makes sense. And it’s just kind of a natural ability that, that we have that we’re born with as humans. It’s a natural connection. So maybe just like, I don’t know if you want to call it a, a biology or yeah. So the point is that any, anybody can happen to it. You know, it’s just you know, in some of us are built built a little more for, for accepting that, cause it, it is an energetic drain sometimes. So it’s not for everybody just like, everybody’s not meant to be a doctor or
De’Vannon: Okay. So somebody out there was, was curious testing [00:11:00] their psychic range or seeing if they, you know, where they’re going to fall on this. Is there any sort of like beginner exercise that you could put forth to help somebody a little litmus tests? Or how would someone get started if they want to even potentially go down this path of developing psychic.
Stopher: All right. Good question. I started with just really you know, you had mentioned that you read how I was really driven by ego. So my mind was very active telling me what things are And why things are this. And, you know, quote unquote, protecting me from. So the first thing I started doing was quieting that, that damn voice, right.
Shutting that thing up. And once I did that, a lot of, I could hear, you know, the real thoughts I could hear what my soul was saying. I could hear what other, you know, I could feel other people’s energy, a lot clearer. So that’s the first thing is quiet, quite that ego, quiet that voice in your head. Right. And there’s all kinds of like psychic development classes and, and spirit [00:12:00] development circles.
You can take online through zoom or whatever where it’s just like kind of like just understanding how spirit works, how energy works and then, and then just practicing the connection.
De’Vannon: And then of course, if they have any questions, they can just reach out to you. All your contact information will be in the,
Stopher: And, and I’m actually starting to teach that as well. working with a group of like four or five girls. So I’m kind of getting my feet wet with, with teaching it.
De’Vannon: go ahead and tell us your website right now.
Stopher: Okay. Yeah, it’s my faded life.com and all my Instagram and Facebook are at my faded life.
De’Vannon: I love it. That’s the same way I have all my shit, man. Just on one website, super simple,
Stopher: You got to make it easy for myself.
De’Vannon: easy. Just like I am. Hello.
Stopher: Oh, good morning.
De’Vannon: Oh, it will be a good morning and a damn good Friday.
Stopher: Yes, sir.
De’Vannon: so you’ve [00:13:00] mentioned spirit teams a bit ago when we were talking about. You know why someone would choose you or not. was reading through your website and you to believe that everyone has spirit guides, a spirit team. I’m not sure if you mentioned quite angels in this realm
Stopher: Yes.
De’Vannon: Yeah, you did. So I am recalling correctly. So tell us what a spirit team is. Why you believe everyone has one. And then we’re going to talk about auntie Debra specifically profile.
Stopher: Mr. Monte, Deborah she’s here right now. It says hi. Oh. And
De’Vannon: Hey girl, how you doing this morning?
Stopher: she sees a lot of fun. So yeah, the spirit team. So like when I sit down with somebody, even if it’s implied, even if they’ve already like paid me to connect with them, I always always ask permission to connect with them. And I asked that I can connect with their spirits, guides, angels, [00:14:00] and ancestors.
That’s very important, important that I, that I asked that permission and I, and I hear it because I do believe that that they’ve got this team around them at all the time. Believe me, we all do. Some of us have more than others. Sometimes it’s family, sometimes it’s just spirits that are assigned to us by, by our higher power.
And then they come and go throughout our, throughout our journey for different reasons. But I, I feel mine. I’ve got two or three and I’m always learning about different family members that are coming in and out. And I learned that through my own like meditation, then I learned it through talking to other mediums that, that feel them around me.
it’s interesting how that works. I recently learned that my that passed away and my 18 year old cousin that passed away in an accident about a year ago. It was actually involved in what I do which is interesting to me cause we weren’t connected that, that you know, that will, when he was here.
De’Vannon: Yeah. Do you feel like. It was meant for him to depart this point, [00:15:00] this plane of existence at this time, in order to help you.
Stopher: I don’t want to say to help me because I think he’s probably helping other people as well. And in the. But I, I think it was his time. What I understand from kind of connecting with him on the other side is that, that he understood that he was supposed to be here for a shorter period of time.
Then let’s say, you know, me or his dad or anybody else. So some of it, like, you know, it, I understand it all to be faded. You know, you know, we have a certain amount of time here. We’re here to learn certain lessons. And then it’s time to go back to spirit and do work that way as well.
De’Vannon: Okay. So then what advice would you give to somebody who came to you they had like a one-year-old child that died or someone a five-year-old or, you know, it was one of those tragic younger deaths and, you know, people tend to be like, God did you let this happen? A lot of anger, a lot of bitterness, lot of resentment directed towards heaven because of, you know, in this, in this plane of existence, people tend to believe any [00:16:00] equate, quality of life with length of life.
So what would you actually say to them if they were
Stopher: Um,
De’Vannon: about someone dying before, in their opinion before they should have.
Stopher: well, first of all, I completely understand. I think, I think that’s why some people are brought to me cause, cause I do have a certain, you know, like bedside manner, I think that that connects with people as far as that goes. But it’s really just about understanding how spirit works and, and, you know, it’s a hard thing to wrap your mind around, especially if we’re talking about a child that died, you know, I mean, that’s like the hardest thing I can’t even imagine as a parent myself.
So you know, it’s just understanding that that, that, that soul is still connected with you. You know, it’s just like my auntie Debra, I feel more connected with her now than I ever did when she was alive. You know, because there was, there was distance between us physically. So now I can talk to her anytime. So it’s, it’s still hard because you missed that person and we have.
expectations for [00:17:00] how life is supposed to go. But know, if you can wrap your mind around, you know, the beauty of, of, you know, being a spirit, because we all are spirit, we’re just having a human experience. And then your loved one is still around and they’re still guiding you and they’re still, you know, loving you and embracing you certain level of faith that happens has to happen there.
De’Vannon: Right. Because I think about the relationships, the marriages that end when a child dies and it, it gets so terrible. The parents start blaming each other and everything like that. I’m happy that you’re offering like a different point of view and a perspective because I’m like the kids daddy’s not coming back.
You know, why kill the marriage to, you know, now it’s just death in, in law. You know, on both hands, you know, rather than savaging what can be savaged. So it sounds like we could stand to benefit from some spiritual [00:18:00] maturation and growth.
Stopher: Always, and, and I, I’ve been lucky not to have to, you know, meet with you know, not have to, but, you know, I’m glad that I haven’t met with somebody that’s going through that. You know, be happy to if, if they’re brought to me. But I mean, that’s a tough one. But, but when people are going through hard stuff I try to just feel their energy and, and give advice based on what their energy is telling me they need.
So I do provide some, you know, useful exercises and things they can do to kind of help them. And when they get that evidential information that comes forward to know that I’m connected with them, that it kind of seems to, you know, give them confidence that, that I am connected to their energy and what’s coming through is what they need.
De’Vannon: Yeah.
Stopher: So that’s, that’s what it’s all about for me is it’s helping people.
De’Vannon: Amen. And amen. Now, when, when, when, when agree with you, I believe that when people dies not over [00:19:00] and oftentimes I will speak about dead people as though they’re still here because to me, I don’t really feel like they’re gone. It’s it’s, it’s like in Harry Potter I, yes, fuck, fuck you JK Rowling for your anti-trans shit.
But you did, you did give us gay Dumbledore. So, you know, bitch, we can’t fully throw you away, you know, but you know how, like in Harry Potter, when people die, then there, they get like a portrait that now moves and you can talk to them and then they can help you and shit, you know, it’s like that, you know, they’re
Stopher: Definitely like that.
De’Vannon: you know, there’s not.
Stopher: I like that analogy.
De’Vannon: No thank you, sugar. It’s like, they’re nice. So the physical part of them is seven from us. And for me, that is why we But then, you know, people who are dead begin to come back to us in dreams and stuff, you know, and things like that. And so it was like, are they really, really [00:20:00]gone? Or is it just the physical part?
Stopher: Um,
De’Vannon: so I decided I’m not going to cry over death anymore, or, you know, or if you enroll because Y you know, the person isn’t really gone and I might cry because they’re not here to do shit for me anymore, but from there, from their perspective, they get to chill out for a minute. So I’ve now put myself in the dead person’s point of view and get, get over myself.
And then I don’t, I don’t mourn death. Like I used to
Stopher: Yeah, they’re, they’re now free.
De’Vannon: right.
Stopher: right.
So you know, they don’t have to worry about all this, this body and taking care of it. And you know, they’re, they’re free, they’re in their true existence, which is spirit. That’s what we are. We’re spirit we’re spirit before we come to this world and in this body and we’re spirit afterwards.
So they’re, they’re not feeling any pain. They’re good. So don’t cry for them. Like you said, cry for, you know, they, they can’t, they can’t take me to the, to the store anymore. No, [00:21:00] they can’t come over and watch the kids anymore. But but yeah, they’re, they’re still, they’re definitely still, and, and, and it’s not like they’re like ghosts hanging around you.
That’s not how I believe it works. I believe they are connected to you. They are part of your own, they’re connected to your own spirit. so anytime I would just say to anybody listening, anytime you have, you’re doing just whatever average thing throughout the day, and then your mother or whoever it is, and spirit comes into your mind.
That is them coming to life. In your own spirit. So they’re there with you and say hi, because they’re, they’re, they’re I, I speak to spirit just as, as I speak to humans, you know, when I think of them, I say, oh, Hey, Hey auntie Deb, how are you doing today? And when I’m done talking to her, I say, okay, goodbye.
I gotta go do something else. I just give him the reverence of, you know, in the respect that they deserve. And that, that just builds that connection. It’s it’s a beautiful
De’Vannon: So let’s talk about auntie Deb. This, this seems to be like one of your favorite people in the whole [00:22:00] world. her a little mini YouTube video.
Stopher: oh, the grainy videos from 2012.
De’Vannon: So when you have on your website, when she
Stopher: Oh yeah.
De’Vannon: boldly, inviting people to just leave their name and date of birth so that, and she would them, I think, three or four things about themselves. So us about your auntie death.
Stopher: So she guess she would’ve been like the black sheep of the family, which I feel like I’m kind of maybe taking that on now kind of the weirdo, the unicorn of the family. You know, she was a terrible reader. She had kind of a very interesting life and she was one of the, you know, I grew up in the Midwest, you know, in a, you know, Catholic family, you know, or were white folk.
And she went in, in her teenage years, she brought different cultures into our family by, you know, people, she would date, she was dating a Vietnamese people. She was at 80 black people and this was like a new thing for us. You know, we didn’t have [00:23:00] all this culture you know, we were living in the middle of the cornfield.
And so you know, it was, it was interesting. It was, it was you know, so she, she likes. For sure. And it, it went all it, there was no limitation, it was Vietnamese, Mexican, black people. It was Indian everything.
Um,
De’Vannon: it’s given me the.
Stopher: yeah, so she just enjoyed life. And you know, there were, you know, it was a rollercoaster for her.
I mean, she went through abuse and everything as well with some partners but just, I admire the.
strength and I think we didn’t really appreciate when she was alive, the person she was, know, cause it was almost seemed like maybe she was a burden because you know, she, she was poor, you know, whatever it was, but I mean, got a college education, she raised her children.
You know, so I, I say a successful person and a. Yeah. Now that she’s been gone, I think seven years now. So, you [00:24:00] know, we, we miss her. And I think there’s just a continued appreciation for the person she was, you know, so it’s almost like you don’t know what you got till it’s gone kind of thing.
De’Vannon: Correct. And I think it’s very cool that she is now a part of your spirit team. I identify with this. So like my pastor who passed away like three years ago was like a high, high, high, high, high clairvoyant. She was a gifted in all gifts. There was nothing that she couldn’t interpret or understand. She had like an angelic sort of handwriting that looked like scribbled to everyone else, but she could, she would do counseling like that.
And she could tell you everything that ever happened to you, what will happen to you in a very, very detailed prophecy?
Stopher: That’s called automatic writing.
De’Vannon: Yeah. Automatic writing child. She had it.
so it was, it was, it was, it was just like, it was just like absolutely insane. And so She would visit me in dreams when she was [00:25:00] alive. But you know, now that she’s died is even more so then I become aware of her presence at times and things like that.
And I just wanted to throw that out there in order to echo what you’re saying about your auntie Deb, because I like to be very transparent about the sorts of things are really everything, because I don’t want people to think that they’re crazy or that something super unique is happening to you.
If like a dead person is now talking to you and you’re asleep, or if you’re becoming aware of them, perhaps you may pick up an aroma. What are some of the ways those who have, who are, who have passed on me? can we tell when they’re around?
Stopher: It’s funny, you say aroma because my great grandmother has done that for me. A few times, she had a very specific scent. I think that she cleaned her house with a certain pro product or something. So she always had a very specific scent. So there’s been a few times when I’ve been in kind of like high anxiety situations where I’ve smelled that smell, you know, and I’ve never smelled it [00:26:00] anywhere else other than my great-grandmother or at her house.
And I know that she’s with me and I immediately get calm because I feel like she’s hugging me. So they will come through scent. They will come through you know, any, anything you see, like sometimes I’ll see yellow butterflies and they remind me of a specific friend of. So, know, if you see something, whatever it is and, or hear a song or something, cause they, they speak their music as well.
If it reminds you of somebody, if it you to a specific memory with someone is them speaking to you. No doubt for sure. So anything that brings that, that person to your mind, that that is for sure them, them saying hi. So it’s dreams, it’s music, it’s smells you know, in anything that seems like a coincidence that reminds you of that person.
That that’s what it is.
De’Vannon: Okay,
so then will that. We’re going to shift gears now, because as I [00:27:00] promised at the beginning, we were going to talk about some military things. I love having my fellow veterans on now, as I said to you are the first person who I know of and who I’ve had on this show, who was actually kicked out during don’t ask.
Don’t tell I, I like you served during, don’t ask. Don’t tell. Almost like a dot a couple of times, but it wasn’t for being gay bad, bad, bad ass. So when I was in the military that you have an incredible blog that you, that you’ve added to your website and it reads like a confessional it’s it’s like I was reading and I was feeling all these weights being lifted off of, you know, and things like that.
And and I pulled a quote from it and I’m going to read it. It says that you say that this is a hard story to tell and writing it for the world to see [00:28:00] is even harder. I’ve been writing this for over two months now, as, even as I said at this laptop about to click the publish button, I am second guessing it.
Stopher: Truth.
De’Vannon: Talk to me about why you wrote that, why you click the publish button at the end of the day.
Stopher: Yeah. Well, I knew I had to click the publish button. I mean, it was I wrote that for myself and I, I had no, you know, it wasn’t attached to any outcome as far as like, this person needs to read it or people are gonna like it, or, you know, it’s going to gain traction, whatever. I just had a hit, I had to write it and I had to click that publish button for myself.
So I didn’t care if anybody ever. You know, just, just to get it out. And then, you know, that’s the story I’d never told any family members. I mean, this happened in 2001, 2002. Nobody, nobody knew the story. They knew. I came home. I told him, I didn’t want to talk about why, [00:29:00] how I got kicked out. And that was it.
And that I didn’t even come out as a gay man until I was 25. So a couple of years after I think people assumed what happened, but I’d never told the story that didn’t know the pain. I went through, the trauma that I went through. So I think that was going to be hard for me. I knew, you know, kind of that reflection of what my family and friends would think. Is this the first time you put it in this sort of detail.
yes, I’ve told that story and that kind of detailed and maybe two or three people and even had a friend that read it afterwards. She goes, you know, you had told me the story, but you didn’t tell me. No, I didn’t know the pain. I didn’t know the like trauma and like friends, like, you know, you know, people stop being your friend and, and all that kind of thing. and then, you know, the Navy kind of how they handled it. I, you know, I don’t think I told that kind of detail to most people.
De’Vannon: and we’re gonna, we’re gonna walk through it in a detailed fashion because this is a [00:30:00] very unique type of trauma. So if somebody serves in the military, you come out fucked up anyway, period, period,
Stopher: True.
De’Vannon: period. And To come out in a way that is not honorable areas of sort of wait and shame and grief to it.
That is also very unique I almost got kicked out in the same woman, evangelist Nelson, I was referencing earlier, my pastor, who no longer physically with me, but very much so spiritually, she would always tell me when I was in there, like the van and you don’t want to get kicked out. It’s hard to, it’s going to be hard on your record and everything.
like, that’s an experience you don’t want to have. She was always telling me that because I was always getting into shit. And so I got to article fifteens and all kinds of shit. Like I was into some shit instead of so that’s a unique sort of trauma and it’s very healing when people hear other people talk about things that they’ve gone through.
Now I’ve heard of people being kicked [00:31:00] out, but a manifesto like this, what you’ve written here, I think is going to be. Very groundbreaking for people in terms of emotional release,
Stopher: I hope so.
De’Vannon: but who in the hell, you know, Ellis, do you know that he’s gotten kicked out for being gay? Like it happens, but a lot of towns were separated because we’re in the military and we live a world with a part.
And so this was for you during operation enduring freedom. What year did you enlist? It’s I saw maybe 2000,
Stopher: Yeah. So January of 2000.
De’Vannon: Okay. So you went in like about six months before I did. I went in July of
Stopher: Oh, okay. We were just passing through bootcamp probably
De’Vannon: And
Stopher: little bit after,
De’Vannon: as you mentioned, you weren’t out until 25. Okay. So you were brought up in Indiana in the church. Tell me, what do you feel like being raised in Indiana in any kind of Catholic or church influence made you feel like you couldn’t be comfortable being [00:32:00] yourself?
Stopher: You know, and I think a lot about it, you know, the, the things I would hear my parents say The things, you know, what I would see from, you know, my friend, I had a friend that was a little more flamboyant and just to see what he went through and, you know, being bullied. And I mean, this was a tough kid.
I mean, this kid would fight, but I wasn’t necessarily, I don’t think I was in stuff with him, but so I was like, I can not go through that. So I, I got me a girlfriend, I got me a couple of girlfriends and I went heavy into the closet because of just what I saw and what I heard. Even from my own family, you know, if there was anything that I would say that seemed a little off, they would, you know, my uncles who were very close in age to me, they would shut it down.
You know, they, they would, you know, if I told him one of my aunties, like, oh, Hey, look at him. Isn’t he cute? My uncles would hear that and say, no boy, we don’t, we don’t do.
De’Vannon: Yeah.
Stopher: You know, so it was shut down. There was no room for me to, to live like that. So I, [00:33:00] I, like I said, I went into the closet pretty hard.
De’Vannon: Okay. Anything from the church or anything like that? Or was it mainly the family providing?
Stopher: the, the family. And, and I had an understanding about, you know, what, what the church was Catholic. So there wasn’t a lot of like preachy, but it was just an understanding of this is wrong. This is sin. You don’t do this, this isn’t, you know, this is weird or whatever it is. Only the priests, only the priests get to have other boys, not anyone
De’Vannon: else
Stopher: right. Yeah. I luckily never experienced that
De’Vannon: don’t dip into our pool, man.
So then this is where I read about. Your daughter. Cause I was like, okay, he’s not straight in there. The doctor coming into the picture. So you had a child by one of these women that you were fucking around with trying to be straight.
Stopher: Yeah. And I actually [00:34:00] married the woman.
De’Vannon: Gloria,
Stopher: of, I didn’t include a lot of that in the blog because that’s a that’s for the book, but yeah, so, and that’s a whole another drama with this person. another podcast, another book. But actually we, me and her have a son together as well. And th this will give you some insight of, of messed up this relationship was.
I found out after he was nine months old, that he wasn’t even mine, biologically but he’s 18 now and he’s still my son. So it was like one of the best lines ever told to me.
De’Vannon: you have a super huge and hard other people. I know maybe including myself would have. I dunno. I dunno what we would have that bitch. You might not still be here, bitch. What?
Stopher: Yeah.
De’Vannon: Bitch?
Stopher: Yeah. Well, I mean, there was, there was conversations. But yeah, so, so that, that’s part of that. So, so yes, I you know, that was, that was part of the program. [00:35:00] I wasn’t even willing to come out to myself. I mean, that was a hard thing for me to even accept what I was feeling. You know, I would pray, try to pray it away every night all that.
So, you know, getting a girlfriend and, you know, I did have a real connection with her, you know, I don’t consider myself bisexual, but I enjoyed the relationship. I was in love with her. You know, we had a child together and it’s, it’s part of the journey for me.
De’Vannon: I did that same shit. When I was in the military, I got a girlfriend. I tried to pray the gay away and I don’t know. Have you seen the Netflix documentary called pray?
Stopher: Yeah, I watch it. As soon as it came out,
De’Vannon: Yeah, that that shit is like, spot
Stopher: twisting, it’s twisted.
De’Vannon: I want, to slap every last one of those motherfucking bitches
Stopher: Um,
De’Vannon: across the face, like, okay, it’s cute. You doing this documentary now, but when you were leading the damn Exodus there be shit. All these people you heard now, you want to come out and be like, well, I’m still gay.
And I have my great relationship. And then everyone [00:36:00] else, you know, so many other people have killed themselves because of you who are miserable and depressed and shit. And you’re like all happy and trotting down the damn Boulevard
Stopher: they’ve left like a path of destruction
behind them.
De’Vannon: But at least they something now,
Stopher: Yeah. Yeah. It’s still hard to, still hard to take the.
De’Vannon: it’s very hard to take. But I, I tried to pray the Gale too. I’ve tried hard and faster than all of those things and it doesn’t work. You know, the best thing to do is accept ourselves for who we are and to come into oneness because the Lord is not going to alter your sexuality. The only thing that you can new.
And when I say you, and of course, I’m talking to my beautiful audience, because you know this already so far, we’ve learned this through painful experimentation with ourselves, you know, and then you can do yourself, yourself, because you can put yourself into a state of denial and then call that a holy [00:37:00] deliverance.
But that’s not, but that’s not going to last long. You know, many guys have married. Women had children. They’re like, well, I still like Dick. So
Stopher: You’re you’re still gay girl. You’re still gay.
De’Vannon: yeah, girl. So,
Stopher: Yup.
De’Vannon: so, but the So, so, but the, the, what was the impetus for you to want to join the military? Because I did read where you had military history in your family, but what was the crucible like, like, okay, now I definitely need to do that.
Stopher: Yeah. And I, I tried to bring that forth and kind of the beginning of the blog is that it wasn’t like a thing where I saw something going on in the country and I wanted to, you know, you know, I had this of like serving my country. It wasn’t that kind of thing. It was more so just a way out.
It was a way out of Indiana. It was a way out of my situation. It was, I feel like I was at a dead end as far as going [00:38:00] to school and jobs. It just wasn’t quite working out. So you know, a consultant with my uncle who was in the Navy at the time and he told me it was great, cause he was kind of where I was with, you know, wanting to get out of Indiana and see the world and all of that.
So you know, he talked me through it and helped me kind of make that decision, but it was, it was like a last resort for me. You know, it wasn’t until later until I got graduated bootcamp that I kind of developed the pride for what I was actually doing and understanding of how it was helping my country.
But yeah, it was totally a selfish reasons at first.
De’Vannon: I, I mean, you’re not alone in that when I was a military recruiter, I would dare say about 50% of the people that I recruited in the three years that I was a recruiter there in Southern California. We’re to ape something. lot of people had children.
Stopher: Yup.
De’Vannon: to figure out a way to pay for them or their parent family didn’t have money.
They need to figure out how to pay for their own college. some sort of bullshit somebody was trying to get [00:39:00] away from. Very few people were like, everything is great in my world, generally speaking. And I don’t really have very many complaints. I just think I’d like to go serve my country.
Stopher: Right.
De’Vannon: not, well, now most people are like, this shit is fucked and I need help.
Stopher: Yep. Exactly.
De’Vannon: Now in the process of all the training, like you say it, then you’re taught all the honor and you know, the, the spree decor or the spree to corpse as we like to say it. And so it, all of that. So you gain a great sense of pride, but you know, that’s the part of the programming that goes into it. But a lot, most people join the military to escape some bullshit.
And I did think it was quite a beautiful analogy. Cause you did equate, like you said a second ago. The day you graduated bootcamp and you’re the armor bearing the New Mexico flag and you’re all proud and everything like that. I love the desert though, New Mexico in
Stopher: Beautiful flag.
De’Vannon: all of it. And [00:40:00] but you equated that moment with your daughter’s birth.
Super proud, proud parents of a lot about their children, that their birth, and I would change them and everything like that. It’s like a metamorphosis and revolutionary, and you’re putting the military graduation on the same level with your daughter’s birth. Speak to me about this. Speak to me about this emotion explosion here.
Stopher: Yeah. I’m getting chills right now. Just thinking about it. Being in that moment, knowing that I think I was able to identify my, my mother and stepfather at the time came up, you know, they drove up to great lakes to see the graduation. They brought my daughter. So I think as I was marching through that hall, I was able to like spot them in the audience.
And just even seeing them, their look on their face, the way they looked at me and feeling their pride, you know, once again, and, you know, even the, my abilities weren’t developed as a impact, you know, I had that kind of connection to their energy. that’s when I knew like, like this is big, this is a big thing for my family.
This [00:41:00] is, you know, they’re super proud. It was like one of the first times I felt like I made them really proud. yeah, it was just, just the feeling I it’s hard to describe really is, but it feels like you’re you’re you’re levitated.
De’Vannon: Okay, well, just don’t fly away. We need to hear.
Stopher: Yeah, no, I didn’t. But it was, yeah, it was, it was just a good feeling. And you know, when you’re going through bootcamp and you’re kind of in the muck and, and you know, it’s stressful, you don’t really realize it. And then you’re at that graduation moment. It’s just this culmination, you got all the emotion you’re missing people.
Like it’s pretty intense. the feelings that come up
De’Vannon: Right. And so I also read where you had some legal issues before you went in and this prevented you from having it assigned to you. So everybody, when you go to the military, usually, you know what you’re going to do. You’re going to be a security forces first. And are you going to be an aircraft mechanic or you’re going to be a medic or whatever, [00:42:00] and
sometimes, or what
Stopher: Corpsman.
De’Vannon: or, or corpsman?
Yeah, I was in the air force, so we have. So in different terms, but the same, same. But then you can go like kind of under a more general classification, you get assigned a job later. Now the air force would have been like, you had a legal issue with either you get a waiver where you can get in or they’ll go in at all because the air force is, is like crazy picky made my job incredibly difficult.
I wouldn’t know. What did you do? What was the legal shit that you did?
Stopher: right. Nothing too bad. It was a lot of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. What were the charges.
so me and me and a girlfriend were cut, you know, we were in a park one night and she had the weed, so she had a little weed and we were smoking a little weed and of course a cop rolls up and you know, I take the weed and I throw it down under the seat, a dummy.
So I get in trouble for her. So just like a little possession of marijuana. I think I had like a drunk in public [00:43:00] a time or two. That was about it. It wasn’t anything too juicy, really. I did have a situation where I may have been arrested for fleeing law enforcement, but I, I was not guilty of that, but I did plea to a charge.
Nothing too crazy.
De’Vannon: now not the two juicy, but you see enough.
Stopher: Yeah. Right.
De’Vannon: It was UC enough to
stop getting the job.
Stopher: I didn’t know you were going to bring that up. All right. I’ve been to jail a few times. Yes.
De’Vannon: Oh, honey, you never know what’s gonna happen with me.
Stopher: I’m learning. I’m learning.
De’Vannon: Oh, I’ve got three felonies myself. I’ve been in jail several
Stopher: Get it.
De’Vannon: fuck with misdemeanors. I went straight from zero 100 as I do
Stopher: You’re an overachiever.
De’Vannon: both for the good and the bad shit. Apparently, at least I’m consistent. So [00:44:00] now, now we’re in the Navy in Navy I always loved the Navy’s outfits. I would love and thirst after that motherfucking P code.
Stopher: They are uniform, sir. They are not outfits.
De’Vannon: I stand corrected.
Stopher: No. they are outfits. You’re
right,
De’Vannon: Yeah. I like like 14 different outfit. Outfit, changes, combinations,
Stopher: right. We did a lot of outfit changes,
De’Vannon: air force. We, I like either camouflage or blue bitch. And then you can like throw a coat on or not. was it. Y’all had options
Stopher: right. And the Navy expected gay people not to sign up.
De’Vannon: Oh,
Stopher: And those outfits come on.
De’Vannon: okay. And so, so you’re in the Navy, you know, you’re doing what you can to work up, to overcome the barriers that the legal issues made [00:45:00] get your job. Now you’re on a ship out of Philadelphia. You ship out and this is like strong, heavy don’t ask. Don’t tell. The Navy is full of a bunch of gossiping girls, because everybody wants to know who’s fucking who who’s gay, who gay.
I didn’t know that there was this much damn gay drama happening on an aircraft area or Chevrolet ever. The fuck you supposed to
call.
Stopher: an oiler, we ever replenishment ship, but that’s neither here nor there
a lot of drama and trauma.
De’Vannon: a lot of big ass boat out on the ocean. And I wasn’t thinking that everybody would have just been having all kinds of sex and orgies. That’s where my mind would go if I was going to be at sea like that with limited in the space, but unlimited Dick. So talk to me about life on, on a, on a Navy ship.
So you’re not docking every day, so you’re just continuous ocean and.
Stopher: Well, it’s like in and out of port. So there are period. So it’s like, there are [00:46:00] periods where you’re docked and you’re kind of, you know, it’s almost like working a normal job where, you know, you get up in the morning to work and then you have Liberty in the afternoon. If you’re not working, if you don’t have duty and.
you can go off into, you know, town, town, city, whatever, and enjoy yourself.
For the most part I was living on the ship. was, it was hard work. And when I got there, I was, you know, bottom of the totem pole or bottom of the. And that wasn’t for me, that life wasn’t for me, I wasn’t trying to chip paint and clean walls all day that were already clean. And and there was also like a cultural element, you know, I thought you know, as an open-minded, you know, person from Indiana was cultured but you get to a ship where there’s like all these different types of people and, you know, just ways of life.
And so that was a shock for me as well, you know, and I think it was kind of funny. I laugh about it now, but you know, there’s a lot of Puerto Rican’s on my ship because we were close to New York and and I just assumed they were Mexicans. So I would say something [00:47:00] about being Mexican and I almost got beat up a few times.
So it was like a learning and, you know, I was scared. There was, there was a lot to learn.
De’Vannon: Oh, a ship full of Puerto Rican meals. Sounds delightful to me. Oh my God.
Stopher: But it was a grind for sure.
De’Vannon: Yeah. Cause you were talking about working 10 to 12 hour days and everything like that, you know? So let, let, let, let, let, let’s get more into the, the drama of this. All you got you a little girlfriend for a time yet again, you’re doing what you do to try to cover because you so staunchly want to hide who you are then enter the boy named Jay.
So the first thing I need to know was he going to be Puerto Rican boy?
Stopher: No, he was a a short stay. He’s still alive. A short man, but I was intrigued about,
De’Vannon: Yeah. Cause you are, cause in the writing, you said that you were intrigued and you only want it to be friends. You were like, I’m not attracted to him. But [00:48:00] then where did this change? Because you give us the story about Jay, because Jay had everything to do with your life changing.
Stopher: okay, I’m going to be very. Yeah, my husband’s probably gonna hear this, but with Jay you know, he’s very shortened stature. So I really just wanted to know what, what was going on, you know,
De’Vannon: You
Stopher: I wasn’t
De’Vannon: deck look like or what.
Stopher: yeah. I was, I was intrigued. So I mean, the rest of it was like, whatever, but yeah, I was just really curious.
So that’s kinda how it started for me. You know, once I figured that out and it was it was an interesting and a good in a cool way. And then we just kind of became friends, but it was a little more than that for him.
De’Vannon: So wait. So did you just look at his Zig? So he’s
released,
Stopher: it is a little more than look at it, honey.
De’Vannon: so wait, so he’s really short. You like, I’m curious what Dick’s look like on short guys. Hey, whatever works for you. I don’t give a fuck. So where
you
Stopher: part is not in the blog, by the way.
De’Vannon: right where you [00:49:00] topping him, where you bottoming for him, where y’all sucking each other off, what happened?
Stopher: Wow. Wow. We do that here,
De’Vannon: The sex, sex drugs
Stopher: Okay. Okay. The first time we,
De’Vannon: on who, on this show? Every show is rated E not for everyone, but for explosive, you gotta be 18 and over to listen to my shit.
Stopher: got it. I guess I asked for it coming on here. No, I’m good. the first time we hung out, actually, we went on base. We went in the woods, we were in the woods
De’Vannon: T all.
Stopher: New Jersey. And yeah, I think if I’m remembering there was some oral for both, maybe some you know, masturbation, and then we went back to the ship.
And then there were some, were no, I mean, there weren’t that many moments. But yeah, so I think he, I talked to him once.
De’Vannon: Hmm.
Stopher: of like a, he jumped on kind of thing.
De’Vannon: Okay.
Stopher: Yeah, mostly oral and just [00:50:00] kinda playing around
De’Vannon: Because he was showing you and you’ve mentioned you were tall. How tall are you?
Stopher: I’m 63.
De’Vannon: But he’s six, three you’re six, three. He’s like five to
Stopher: No, he’s like five foot.
De’Vannon: five foot. The
Stopher: He’s a short, but he’s not like a little person he’s like, whatever, but just very short.
De’Vannon: So I would imagine you would want to hop on you that that’s the thing. You could just talk to them all around, like a little rag and all like he wanted you to.
Stopher: Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I’ve learned a few checks since then, but I was young.
De’Vannon: Okay. So, because according to the reading, y’all only fucked around doing whatever it twice
Stopher: It was probably like two or three times,
De’Vannon: two or
three times,
Stopher: remember. It was a long time ago, but yeah.
De’Vannon: and then you wanted to use shifted typicals tonic. And so it seemed like your fantasy was fulfilled. You had, your curiosity was satisfied
Stopher: Yes, sir.
De’Vannon: all right, I got what I needed.
Let’s just be friends, you know? Good. And Jay was like, nah, now that deck [00:51:00] was too good. will
Stopher: Yeah.
De’Vannon: to me and deprive me or you can’t just do this to me and walk away. I can just go, don’t leave a girl like this hail to the note. I won’t Samoa bring me that Dick daddy. And you said no
Stopher: I was scared of people finding out my secret. I could not have that, sir. So not be having that.
no, but she, she started misbehaving
De’Vannon: So, so Jamie’s behavior. How, tell us what she did.
Stopher: well, and I don’t know if you caught this in the reading, but, but part of what I wanted to bring forth was like my own misbehavior in this relationship, because I do feel bad about how I behaved because as much as. Before anything ever happened with me and Jay, I set down some rules and I gave him all these disclosures about what can happen, where I’m at.
And, [00:52:00] and at the time I thought that was, that was right. And now that I’ve lived a little more life and I know how relationships work and emotions work, that was not fair to him. So for me to treat him in a way of, this is what I want deal with it. You don’t get to have your own emotions and your own thoughts about it was not fair.
So I hope that came through in the reading as well. So I misbehaved too, you know, I wasn’t really fair, but at the time I thought all of these disclosures and these kinds of understandings we had were like a pack. And he, you know, I don’t want to be seen with you, you know, on the ship because he’s very flamboyant and people knew what he had going on, even though it was, don’t ask, don’t tell people talk, and I didn’t want to be associated with him in.
Because I know how people talk on the ship does one time and they’re going to assume, oh, this must be going on. You know, this is like when to marry people different marriages would, you know, the ship gets underway and they start [00:53:00] hanging out. People just assume, okay, they’re fucking.
De’Vannon: Um,
Stopher: I knew the dynamics.
So I, you know, it was, Hey, keep your distance. We’ll have the secret friendship relationship. Don’t catch feelings. You know, he was, I didn’t think that was going to happen, but so that’s what happened. So he starts, you know, joining me on my walks around the ship. He started, you know, coming into my burden, which is where everybody sleeps asking for me, he makes sure that everybody’s around when, when he does this. And then there was the, the letters and the candy on my rack daily.
De’Vannon: yeah, girl, I read where he started with a few letters here and there. And then the Cooter brah, he left the whole bag of Skittles. It wasn’t just making a statement. He found them helpful. Can we please taste the rainbow bitch? He found them on the colorful bag. The gay is he ever made a skip and left that on your bed, on [00:54:00] your bed with a letter that was not sealed, contain detailed manifest of all that y’all had ever done.
And his undying love for you. And then what happened after this?
Stopher: So yeah. So let me tell it, like it, like it is in the, in the blog. So one day I came back from the mess decks, you know, from me the lunch. And so I would go up and meet with my crew. You know, it’s was like electricians and mechanics. And so, you know, kind of a roughneck. And I hear a few of them and I think they made a point to say that they, they knew who they were talking about.
They’re talking about, Hey what’s going on with this?
I hear about some love letters. I’m like gave romance. And knew I was listening to TB and spelt about me. And so I’m laying there. I was like, What what? I mean, my heart sung. It dropped because I knew this was like I was being out and I knew.
And so yeah, somebody found like a love letter on somebody rag, you know, they’re acting all, like they don’t know, you know, who they’re talking to. So I immediately run to my [00:55:00] rack I see the letter it’s out of the envelope. It’s opened up whoever, whoever decided to read it. I mean, I don’t even know if he put it in the AMA.
He might’ve just unfolded it for everybody to see, but it was there. I knew like everybody had come by and read it. And the rumors and the information spread across the ship. 600 people. Most of them, I didn’t know. I’d never seen before. I knew my story knew what I was going through, knew my secret.
De’Vannon: What did Jay have to say about all of this?
Stopher: Yeah. So after I composed myself kind of process what was going on, I got really angry. So I ran across the ship to where I knew he would be. And I just like slammed him up against the bulkhead against the wall. And You know, he was a little guy, so I picked him up and you know, let him know that he had just like fucked me over the, you know, I felt like my life was over.
Like, you know, I knew things were gonna change. So once again, he, you know, he kind of like fell in line and told me he [00:56:00] would, you know, stop and sorry, blah, blah, blah. But it didn’t stop anything. It just made him go even more. It was, yeah, the more I told him to stop, the more he. Would tell people how much he loved me while we were doing what was happening. Was that a control?
De’Vannon: You gotta be careful what you do with that Dick of yours with lethal consequences, shit
Stopher: Yeah,
there wasn’t a, there was an addiction moment happening
De’Vannon: emphasis on the deck and there.
Stopher: bar. Yeah.
De’Vannon: So, so what, at what point were you actually removed from service and how did that whole whole after.
Stopher: Yeah. So I’m just kind of fast forward. You know, it was like weeks of basically being outed, being bullied on the ship and keep in mind, this is during war we’re like in the Persian Gulf is after.
nine 11. [00:57:00] So there’s all that stress and stuff going on. it was just, it was like, I felt like I was being heard.
You know, and Jay’s, Jay’s friends are coming up to me and like telling me how they feel like what a dickhead I am for doing X, Y, and Z. I mean, they’re coming to me in the middle of workouts. So I’d had enough. I mean, I was like, I mean, at one point I thought about jumping off the side of the ship to make it stop. I’ve never had those kinds of thoughts, never. And even afterwards, I’ve never had those kinds of thoughts. So I wanted to stop. So I, I went to the mastered arms, which is the cop on the ship and I filed a report of harassment. And basically what I didn’t know that I know now is once you do that, that gives him the opportunity to investigate me.
And so when I told him that I was getting love letters from this guy, you know, he’s, he knew, you know, he, he knew that it was, it was a thing it was happening. So he didn’t care that I was being harassed, harassed. He just cared about figuring out if we were gay. That that was his was. [00:58:00]His invitation to investigate if we were gay or not.
And that’s what he did. So his whole, his whole thing was to find out if we were gay, it all came out. was interrogated. And then I just eventually gave him because I was tired of, of lying and I was tired of dealing with it. And then from there, it was a pretty quick process of going to see the executive officer going to see the captain.
I mean, they didn’t even let me get out of my dress whites after captain’s mast, I was put on a Hilo and taken to the carrier next door and then flown back to New Jersey. I mean, it was, and then from there it was like a two month process to kick me out.
De’Vannon: At any point of this, not as you’re telling this and all of this has come out. Did you feel any kind of sigh of relief at any point or no?
Stopher: I did, I did with the, you know, cause cause once the secret came out, it was about getting control back. So as much as I was out of control of the situation, you know, telling the truth and just being [00:59:00] done with it was a little bit of control because I just wanted it to stop. I mean, I had friends that, that don’t want to be my friend anymore.
You know, it was, it was so hard. But but at the same time, you know, things were going pretty well with the Navy. And I had acquired my ACE school that I wanted to get the job that I wanted and all that went away. You know, I thought I had my life figured out, you know, I was thinking 20 years ahead.
And all of a sudden, within a few days it all went away. So that was hard.
De’Vannon: Okay. So then you to speak to the aftermath because there’s people who are going to be getting kicked out of the military. We don’t like it. We don’t want it, but this shit’s going to happen. This bitch has a petty. And and some people don’t really honestly adjust a little to being to the military in the first place.
But so, so what was the aftermath life once you got back, trying to rebuild. Your life. How’d it being kicked out a fixed you maybe with [01:00:00] job searching your economic status. What happened?
Stopher: So I got back to Indiana and I was lucky enough to have some, some family helped me, you know, with like a place to stay and whatnot kind of as a launching pad. And I took, you know, I worked hard. I think I like submerged myself into like working, you know, I would take like restaurant job. They’ll keep like two jobs at a time and just keep myself busy.
But I mean, I was still very broken. I was still dealing with, you know, things from the past and. It just now it feels like a blur, but I mean, that went on for probably eight or nine years afterwards till I moved to California really in 2009. But it was, it was just, you know, I don’t think I was happy.
Yeah, like it’s a blur. I really don’t remember that from that time, I didn’t have my shit together. That’s for sure.
De’Vannon: Well, traumatic times cause us to have mental blocks it from when I was home with and, you know, got HIV and everything. And was the drug dealer. It took, it took me many years before I could [01:01:00] actually remember. You know, stuff that happened during that time. But you know, prompts the California, you know, they, that’s why I’m moving back that shit just to get to right.
When you go to California,
you know,
Stopher: His son, you know, it’s a little more, it’s less conservative, which is what I need. I think there’s a, you know, moving to California was the first time that I could actually, even though I came out When I was 25, I think that would’ve been like 2003 or four. Even then living in Indiana, I couldn’t really live outwardly gay and proud because I would get shot, you know, the, these farm boys weren’t having it.
So that’s not something that I could just go to the Walmart where, and, you know, whatever I want to wear and being how I want to be. had a height to a degree just to protect myself. So once I moved to California, that’s kind of, when I was able to like really be myself really kind of live my truth outwardly.
So, so that, that was kind of a, know,
a good transition for me.
De’Vannon: Yeah, you California. [01:02:00] So well, I mean, I mean, there’s a lot to be said of that even in this day in time. Cause there’s a lot of places in this country where. Even though we know we’re fighting for gay rights and everything like that, that, you know, we’re still not wanted, you know, I live here in Louisiana, you know, only because I have, you know, elderly parents who are choose to, to, to stay and help out.
But those of us who are non-hetero in my opinion, have no business being in places that are conservative like that. And they don’t really want us, like if there’s ever a moment where you have even a slightest inkling, that you’re not absolutely accepted vaunted and welcome within, get the hell out of there, you know,
Stopher: Yeah,
De’Vannon: because of.
Stopher: and that’s what I did. I tell people, I spend my whole young adult life trying to move out of.
Indiana, even though I kept going back a few times. It was a goal. I knew it wasn’t where I felt. Right. It wasn’t, it wasn’t where I belonged. So once I moved to California [01:03:00] and I moved here in a relationship the person I was, I was with at the time was from California.
And we, we were living in Indiana. We moved back. And to move in with his family. And within three months of moving back, when we had sold two houses in Indiana, we had, I, I left my kids within three months. We were broke up. So I was out here with a job in a car. And that was it. I had no people, I no support system, but I knew this was home, so I didn’t leave.
So here I am, you know, 12 years later and knew him pretty well. But yeah, th this is home. I never felt like Indiana was home.
De’Vannon: Belmont feel about Los Angeles. I really like Los Angeles as much true home. So then it sounds like the theme is tenacity sticking with it, and it sounded like it was a real, real struggle, but I’m glad that you were able to prevail.
Stopher: Yes, sir. Thank you.
De’Vannon: So then this is about to wrap up our conversation. I thank you so much for your time today.
So [01:04:00] for now you mentioned that a book is in the works. When shall we expect that?
Stopher: Oh, I like that?
You’re keeping me accountable. You know, when I wrote the blog, I realized there was so much more, you know, cause I mean the blog is it’s, it’s pretty extensive, it’s 7,500 words or whatever, but there’s, there’s so much that was left out. You know, and even going back to childhood trauma and stuff like that story, I think, needs to be told and heard.
So that’s a good question. I think the goal should be within the next year, the next calendar year you know, the, the, the blog about the don’t ask don’t tell was kind of the start of this. So, you know, I love writing is therapeutic. So, so let’s look out for that. Let’s set that, let’s put that on the calendar.
De’Vannon: Yeah.
Stopher: It probably will. Yeah. Yeah.
So know what I’m gonna call it. I always used to say when I was younger, I was going to write a book called confessions of an under.
So we’ll, we’ll see if that fits. [01:05:00]
De’Vannon: I think you’ve done yourself in life.
Stopher: I’m getting there after 40 some odd years. I think, I feel like I’m finally on my life.
My life’s purpose, man. I’m I’m on track. I think it took me awhile late bloomer.
De’Vannon: Okay. So then then we worked to tell us then what advice you wouldn’t give to the world? I always like to let my guests have a last word. So any kind of wisdom you want, anything you want to say at all? Just take the stage.
Stopher: All right. It’s a lot of pressure. You know, it kind of comes back to me for a, I mean, I’m not a person that not a believer, so to speak more of just a spiritual person, but I hear the phrase, Jesus, take the. And so for me over the past few years, I’ve kind of done that with, with spirit and just letting the universe kind of show me the path, instead of trying to put that, that you know, square peg in the round hole all the time.
I feel like that’s what I, what I did my whole life [01:06:00] was really just trying to like my ego telling me what I need to do and how I need to do it. And what I’ve learned, that’s why my, my website’s called my faded life because it was already like set. I was just going like swimming upstream the whole time.
So at some point you know, hopefully sooner than later, like my like myself, it’s best just to kind of let things, let things go and let, let things happen and trust that the universe and spirit is going to take care of us. And what I’ve learned over the past, like two year journey is that, that that’s absolutely what’s going to happen once you just kind of stopped trying to force it in there.
Good things will happen.
De’Vannon: Hallelujah tabernacle and praise.
Stopher: No sir.
De’Vannon: So your website is myfatedlife.com
Stopher: correct.
De’Vannon: want to put all that in the show notes and everything. And I look forward to having you back on the show once your memoir comes out and then I can get even [01:07:00] more into your delicious teeth out each and every delicious fucking giraffe.
Stopher: It’s going to be hot. It’s going to be scolding hot trust.
De’Vannon: All right, thank you so much for coming on the show today. Soper.
Stopher: Thank you too, man.
De’Vannon: Thank you all so much for taking time to listen to the sex drugs and Jesus podcast. It really means everything to me. Look, if you love the show, you can find more information and resources at SexDrugsAndJesus.com or wherever you listen to your podcast. Feel free to reach out to me directly at DeVannon@SexDrugsAndJesus.com and on Twitter and Facebook as well.
My name is De’Vannon and it’s been wonderful being your host today and just remember that everything is going to be all right.
