Jenn has a story of her own. As a child, she suffered solitary confinement, physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, rape, divorce, abortion, cutting, and suicide attempts. Her turbulent background has forged a path to help those who are suffering, ignored and silenced. Sh!t You Don’t Want to Talk About is a place people can come to find hope and healing, to know they are not alone, and to finally be heard.
Clearly, Jenn’s been through plenty of sh!t most people probably don’t want to even acknowledge, let alone talk about. She thought she’d dealt with her past, but brain surgery in November 2020 unleashed a tsunami of memories that couldn’t be ignored. Working through trauma, depression, anxiety, bipolar type 2, and ADHD will be a lifelong journey. Jenn strives to break the stigma of Sh!t You Don’t Talk About and turn it into Sh!t 2 Talk About.
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· Jenn’s Take On The Herschel Walker Hullabaloo
· Jenn’s Homeless Youth Experience
· Consent Matters!!!
· The Resurgence Of Forgotten Trauma
· Be Mindful Of Your Perspective When Bad Things Happen
· How PTSD Affects Both Military And Non-Military Folks
· Living Through A Lifetime Of Surgeries
· Jenn’s Smokin’ Hot TikTok
· Let’s Give Ourselves More Credit
· Let’s Accept Our Limits
CONNECT WITH JENN:
CONNECT WITH DE’VANNON:
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
o TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
· OverviewBible (Jeffrey Kranz)
· Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed (Documentary)
· Leaving Hillsong Podcast With Tanya Levin
· Upwork: https://www.upwork.com
· FreeUp: https://freeup.net
VETERAN’S SERVICE ORGANIZATIONS
· Disabled American Veterans (DAV): https://www.dav.org
· American Legion: https://www.legion.org
· What The World Needs Now (Dionne Warwick): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfHAs9cdTqg
INTERESTED IN PODCASTING OR BEING A GUEST?:
· PodMatch is awesome! This application streamlines the process of finding guests for your show and also helps you find shows to be a guest on. The PodMatch Community is a part of this and that is where you can ask questions and get help from an entire network of people so that you save both money and time on your podcasting journey.
You’re listening to the sex drugs and Jesus podcast, where we discuss whatever the fuck we want to! And yes, we can put sex and drugs and Jesus all in the same bed and still be all right at the end of the day. My name is De’Vannon and I’ll be interviewing guests from every corner of this world as we dig into topics that are too risqué for the morning show, as we strive to help you understand what’s really going on in your life.
There is nothing off the table and we’ve got a lot to talk about. So let’s dive right into this episode.
De’Vannon: Jenn Junod, the host of the shit you don’t want to talk about podcast is back with me for round two, y’all. Now, in this episode, we’re gonna be reaching deeper into Jen’s experience with mental and physical health problems. We’re also gonna get to hear Jen’s take on the current Herschel Walker scandal that’s happening right now.
Yes. Hmm. Go ahead and listen people. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Sex [00:01:00]Drugs in Jesus podcast. I’m wearing my shirt tonight that says, Be the light. I hope that Jen and I can shine a little light on y’all’s darkness today if you’re going through a dark time. Now, Jen is the host of the Shit You Don’t wanna Talk About podcast.
She’s been on the show before and now she’s back again to to dig a little bit deeper into her personal journey. Jen, how are you today?
Jenn: Well, I, I like to say people really, especially in the tech industry, which is where I’m at now, really compare, like, do you want a zip up hoodie or do you want like a pullover hoodie?
And most people want like a zip up hoodie because it’s easier to take on and off. And I’m using that as an example of I am wearing my pullover hoodie and I always get them like, Really snug because when I’m not feeling will [00:02:00] go with pep as a good word, when I’m just like not feeling it, I always put on my pull over hoodie because it makes me feel safer and it makes me feel like more snuggled just walking around.
And that is how I’m feeling today, that I need a little, give myself kindness and grace and not trying to push myself to have a lot of energy today.
De’Vannon: Well, I share the fuck. Appreciate you coming on the show before we mash that record button you were expressing how you were on the fence about whether or not we should postpone or whatever you decided to just push through to show people truth.
You know, we don’t always have our shit together every day. Hell, I went to the weight loss clinic today to to get like the, one of the weight loss injections and I decided to keep on my fluffy winter flip flops, you know, just to be like, relax and shit. Which is something a fashionist, a diva like [00:03:00]me has never done before.
I even wore them last night to go get a massage. And so sometimes just wanna go to the house with fucking roles in your head. Shit. Fuck it. Be done with it. .
Jenn: Yes. Yes. I agree. I agree.
De’Vannon: And so so y’all, in the Today Show, we’re gonna be talking more about Jen and digging deeper into her mental health issue.
In the last show she talked about like the abortions and the, the, the, all the abuse and the trauma and the drama. So much drama, you know, that she’s been through growing up and, you know, and what prompted her just on her own podcast and the shit you don’t want to talk about podcast. All that information go on the show notes.
And I know she does her Twitter sphere
Jenn: thing stay Yes. Twitter
De’Vannon: space in the Twitter sphere, every Tuesday or think most win. And so be sure to catch her there also. And I look forward to the day when her memoir comes [00:04:00] out. I’m just gonna like, speak that into existence.
Jenn: It will, it will one
De’Vannon: day. And so, okay, so I’m gonna get your opinion on this dude who’s been really popular in the news.
You were so transparent about your abortions and everything last time. Have you heard of everything that’s been going on with Herschel Walker?
Jenn: Okay, so y’all, I don’t, I live in like a bubble is what I’ve decided. I don’t really know what’s going on unless somebody tells me about it. But I’m, I’m Googling and that is the first person that came up.
De’Vannon: There is nothing wrong with going to the Google machine and finding out what you need. And so basically this man is running for a Senate seat. He he’s one of those backed by Republicans. Pro, pro-life, anti-abortion people and, hi, his, his thing is he’s against abortion with no exclusion for rape, incest, anything like that at all.
[00:05:00] Just period. But come to find out, he paid for his own abortions back in the day, has a couple of baby mamas and he don’t take care of the babies and his own son, who’s a social media influence or can’t remember that pretty little thing’s name right now, but it’ll come to me, came out against his own dad.
He was like, You need to shut this shit down and stop because you fake his hell. And so from the abortion standpoint, because these women are coming out, going like, one was like, he forced me. He wanted me to get the first abortion, so I did. But the second one, I told him to go fuck off and decided to keep the kid.
And so, you know, I just wondered like, what, what, what you think these women might be going through? Seeing the man who wanted him to get the first abortion. Lying, lying to everyone saying, Oh, I don’t remember any of this. But he wrote the check to pay for the abortion and then sent the woman a get well soon card
Jenn: So it’s I actually just listened to our other episode [00:06:00] and interesting timing of listening to that. I, I talked about how during my first termination, I, I felt forced, but it’s not like anyone could do anything about it. It was a very I had to think about what that kid would’ve gone through to do it.
And I, I would say for what this human hersel do, dad is doing, I don’t think anyone should go into politics and. Forget about what they used to do. I personally think if somebody did something fucked up, then they should own it and say, This is why I just, I changed my ways, first off, second. I can only imagine what it felt like to be [00:07:00] paid to go get an abortion.
I have been there. And and then third, I think scariest yet is the fact that there are people in wanting to gain power that want to gain ownership of our bodies. And in my opinion, that’s the scariest part in the fact that as someone that has. Like the, the woman that you used as an example, she said yes to the first one that said, fuck off to the second one.
I feel I, and again this is just my imagination, but I feel like she would be very empowered because she, she told him fuck off, and that is her taking back her power. And I think it’s a very, very complex level of[00:08:00]
fear when your, the person that caused your trauma has power not only over you, but over others. And it’s, I know for myself it’s been. I don’t give a fuck what you did to me, but if you do it to someone I care about, if I see you doing it to someone else, I go into like overdrive of, I won’t let them feel that way.
And I could see some of the women possibly feeling like that, but then also going, I’m glad that I stayed silent because they’re so afraid of what might happen to them, what might be taken away, what might be threatened. And there are many, many complexities that I can’t even imagine about. Maybe he’s secretly paying some of them.
And what would happen if [00:09:00] they don’t get the paycheck anymore? Are they gonna be able to feed the rest of their kids? What would happen if, you know, if they do talk about that they went through an abortion and now they are succeeding in their life, even though he forced them to do it, Wouldn’t that be controversial for them saying that?
They were against it, but almost happy they did it. It’s, I mentioned this in in the other episode that I don’t think anyone could imagine what someone else would feel about it unless they went through it. Because it is, there’s so many complexities that go into this,
De’Vannon: Well, you’re pretty damn good on, on postulating and guessing at the complexities.
It’s like you’re able to really, really put yourself in other people’s shoes. So that strong level of empathy that you have is why you’re so, such a great host and so great at everything you do, and basically given the world the big warm hugs like you do on a day to day basis. Because I hadn’t thought about, [00:10:00] you know, like what if he was, I mean, he’s been lying through the whole candidate candidacy, you know, clearly.
But what if he really was paying them? You know, he’s saying to the camera, I don’t know, these bitches, whatever. Mm-hmm. . But really he’s been bankrolling them and, and, and out of fear they’ve kept quiet because that’s like a quiet control he’s had over him this whole damn time. You never damn know the thing.
Jenn: I, I do wanna add one other thing just because I also like to go into conspiracy things because I think partly it’s very entertaining for myself is the fact of, so for those of you that may be like me that have no idea who Herschel Walker is and is Googling shit just something that is a very, very uneducated guess could be that if you have a person of color that has been given money and want to set an example, are they doing it and [00:11:00] doing it the way that others are telling them to because they want to be able to show that others can do it.
even if it just disrupts their morals,
De’Vannon: anything’s possible. But what most commentators seem to believe is that Herschel is somebody who is mindless enough to be a yes man for the Republican party if he gets elected at the Senate. Because if you hear him talk, he used to be an NFL player, that he hit his head one too many damn times that he talks like he still has a fucking concussion.
He’s just like well and so he is the Plato for them. And so that’s why, and I agree that’s probably why they have him up there. And the thing is, we wouldn’t be judging him for his shady pass if he wouldn’t have judged the women first. And if, and if he wouldn’t be throwing all the women under the bus for, for, for doing this.
But what, you know, women can’t get pregnant by themselves.
Jenn: That’s what I was just thinking, , like, you can’t do it by [00:12:00] yourself. It’s, it’s, you know, we’re not what Horse. Wait. Star, Star, What are the fishes that like self impregnate themselves? Horse fish,
De’Vannon: sea horses, you think?
Jenn: Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to think about.
Sea horses, horse fish. You know that horse too?
De’Vannon: I know God. Ze can impregnate himself. He has all the power, so that’s why I’ve always looked up to him. And the, the, the, the other fucked up part, and we’re gonna pivot away from politics in just a moment, but you know, this is such a hot button topic right now.
The bitch is over on, you know, like Fox News and the conservative commentators, you know, one of them, I can’t remember this whole’s name, but she was all like, I don’t care if he had abortions, if he Aborts Baby E was on television. He was like, I want to get control of the Senate. And she was like, The women are skanks, but you know, The, the Republican party, like the women are gangs.
The women [00:13:00] are the trouble, but the men, they get forgiven. Oh, he’s changed his past will give him a second chance. But the women, but they’re like, Oh no, that ho, You know, And the Republican party isn’t even trying to hide this hypocrisy anymore. Yeah.
Jenn: That I mean, I started listening to part of your episode on the cold Christianity, and that just reminds me, there’s, there’s so much that goes into that and I, Yeah.
I disagree people, Some people are douche bags is all I can
De’Vannon: say bags all the way. Yes. Goddamn fucking motherfucking D bags. So talk to me about when you were homeless before.
Jenn: Oh, okay. Just you said we were gonna pivot. We’re gonna pivot. I don’t talk about it much [00:14:00] because when I look back, I didn’t need to be homeless. That is something that I didn’t realize then. If I going back then so listen to episode one to, you know, catch yourself up on my story because I’m not gonna repeat it all, it takes forever. , I was, let’s see, I was sexually abused from my cousins from the ages of eight to 10.
So my junior year of high school, I, the summer before is when I. Was listening to an Adam Sandler song, the shampoo bottle one, and Up the Ass and in the Car did not remember anything about my cousins, and it all flooded back to me. [00:15:00] All of it, just after like six years, didn’t think of it. It all came back and my older cousin was now over the age of 18, so, and it had been out of the, out of five years, so it, they were like, We can’t do anything.
The cops were like, Yeah, whatever. We can’t do anything. But my younger cousin, who’s two years younger than me was about to start at the same high school I was. So little did I know how not awesome my dad is. Believe me, my mom tried to tell me she did. She, she has tried to tell me. But at that point in my life, I’m 1516 and I’m like, I’ve always wanted to have a relationship with my dad.
I totally can do this. Like, I just wanna move in with him. He’s promising me to get a car. He’s promising that he’ll get me a laptop for school. He promised that he’ll finally like, pay for my boob job because, and y’all, I’m pausing there. It’s not [00:16:00] just like a 16 year old wanting to get a boob job. My left rest never developed.
I was named lo. So like there was a sincere reason why I wanted a boob job that young. Okay. Anyway, moving past that I did not know the type of or believe the type of.
Manipulation and abuse that I would be walking into. When my parents were together, my mom was majority of the buffer, and they were together until I was 12, so it’d been four years. And basically the four, those four years, I was avoiding my dad. And so this was all new to me. And I moved in and he took off the facade of this charismatic person.
He loved mom me. That is the best way of explaining it. And when I got there, it was [00:17:00] none of the problems is he made, came through one excuse or the other. He started isolating me again, just like he did when I was a child. And I was very, very fortunate in the fact that I. The person I was dating and his friends were like, We’re not giving up on Jen.
Like that’s a bad area. So they would help me like sneak out on the weekends and help like come out and visit me even though I was 45 minutes away and I eventually said, You know what? I’m out. I’m moving. And I just, they all came and got my stuff and I just was like, I’m moving to back to Po. Patello where I was living.
And I was, it was the beginning of my senior year at that point. My dad said, Well, you’re truant. You’re gonna you’re gonna be arrested because of this, [00:18:00] cuz you’re not going to school. And my boyfriend’s at the Time’s grandmother was like, you know, she can live with us. And she’s like, I’ll take power of attorney and take her, make sure she goes to school.
Literally to this day, one of these weakest women. Who made such a big difference in my life. I moved in with her and her grandson and I we were very on again, off again, and by probably by Thanksgiving. So beginning of senior year started probably August. So by Thanksgiving we were done. And I thought that because he and I broke up that I could not live with her.
I honestly, sincerely thought because if somebody didn’t wanna be with me, other people wouldn’t love me [00:19:00] and I didn’t really have anywhere to go, even though logically looking back, yes, I eventually figured it out. I moved back in with her and stopped this chaos yet My senior year, I spent more time on in new beds than I did in my own car.
I spent time becoming whoever anyone wanted me to be, just to not have to sleep in my car that night. And it, it was the type of thing that I don’t remember a lot of my senior year there was a lot of drinking and I definitely was promiscuous. It was[00:20:00]
also the year I said no, and I got roofied. Luckily the, the guy I was dating, I apparently called him and. He was able to find out from many other people where I was. And I was on a counter in the bathroom with three p three guys trying to undress me. And not even a month later, I went out with my soon to be roommate and she’s a drinker and a partier and she, she loved to sleep around.
She would brag about it all the time. And I said, No. And this guy kept trying to convince me, Well, it’ll be alright. It’ll be fun. And I fell asleep and I woke [00:21:00] up to him not listening to my no. And it’s a really confusing time in the fact that I was. Sleeping with people to keep a roof over my head. And the two times I said no, people didn’t listen.
And it had a lot to do with why I couldn’t comprehend, why I could have stayed at my ex’s grandmother’s house. She didn’t care. She just wanted to love me. And it was a really difficult time in my life that my dad to this day still hasn’t kept any of his promises story for another day. But my mom came up to help me get my license.
My mom [00:22:00] helped me get my boob job so I could wear my dress for my senior prompt. She also got me a laptop. And I know we talked about my mom in the previous episode, but she always tried to do what my dad promised and never went through with too. But yeah, ,
De’Vannon: some people not to be parents.
Jenn: So I agree. I agree.
I thought I had tissue box in here. Apparently I don’t. That’s okay.
De’Vannon: We have time. You can pause and go get it. We can pause and go get it if you want.
Jenn: Sweatshirt. I’m not, You can keep this all the recording. I don’t even care. Cause y’all life is fucking messy. It’s not pretty. It’s not. I mean, yes. Lots of life is beautiful.
Yet, if we don’t talk about this shit, how are we gonna realize that we’re not [00:23:00] alone?
De’Vannon: Yeah. Oh my God. A rough time in high school. You know, that’s a lot to be going through, you know, then trying to focus on grades and everything like that. I’m so sorry. All this happened to you. I’m excited for the boob job, you know, and you know and so I heard you when you said that you did not need to be homeless.
And that resonated with me because I feel the same way when I look back over when I was homeless, you know, in Houston. And so, you know, I had friends, you know, I was, you know, a, a, a veteran, but I didn’t know about veterans programs at all. Cause I wasn’t going to the VA for anything because in those days they were a nightmare.
And And so I, you know, sometimes I think about that and I go, What was the difference? It was in [00:24:00] my mind and the way I perceive things. Mm-hmm. , so I could have called my parents to come and get me. I mean, I could, I could have, I did not have to do that, but I thought I was dying anyway. And so what, what, what is Jen?
What are Jen and I saying to telling to you all is to be mindful of your perspective when negative things happen, and sometimes when you, Exactly. Sometimes when you think you’re thinking straight, you’re really not thinking straight, especially right after something bad has happened. Or even if it’s a while, if there something bad is happening, you don’t have that shit resolved.
So then what can you do? Jen’s gonna give you her suggestion, , My suggestion is to have somebody who you lean on or somebody who you can at least go to and be like, Bitch, I’m fucking up. I don’t think I’m thinking straight. I need to bounce this idea off of you and be sure, I don’t know. What would you, what would you suggest if somebody is in that situation?
Jenn: I definitely agree and [00:25:00] I, I’ve heard the term like a lot or to like keep a journal and I’m like, Bitch, I’m not gonna keep a journal. Fuck that. Like I hate no now, but I am cognizant of. Working on tracking my patterns. So whatever way you track your patterns, I say that in the fact of I’m currently job hunting and I had a great day yesterday.
I don’t even remember what day it was. Like I had interviews that were going great. I had a guest on the show that was phenomenal. Like literally, everything is going so good and I’m miserable. Why am I miserable? I don’t know. I have no idea why. I know because I keep track of these things that I do get depression.
I am bipolar, type two, I am. These [00:26:00] things just happen and I’ve learned that. I need to be able to know, okay, am I just gonna check out and. Sit and play video games is, that’s what’s gonna help me get through this. Is it I need to go for a walk? Is it I need to have call one of my best friends? Is it I need to tell Tyler that I need all the cuddles in the world.
What is it that I need to get through this? Because right now I feel alone, even though logic shows me I’m not alone. And it’s very, very difficult to realize that. And I would say a big step of it is just tracking your patterns, because that will show you who am I happy around? Are these people that I’m [00:27:00] associating with?
Am I miserable around them or am I happy around them? Do I feel like shit when I eat this certain food? It’s weird. I found out that I am gluten intolerant. Like I can’t eat gluten, but y’all, it fucks with me. So I know not to eat gluten. How do I feel if I don’t exercise for a while? Does it really help or is it just because I wanna do it cuz everybody else says it?
Like, what are things, How, how do I do life naturally and what are things that I want to improve on? Or what are things that I’m like, you know, fuck it. I am a sweetaholic so I’m gonna keep dark chocolate chips in the house instead of candy because if it’s candy it’ll be gone in a day. That’s just who I am.
I can live with that.
De’Vannon: I’m a sweet aholic too. And I there’s a basket I keep in the corner of the, like by like [00:28:00] by the patio door. And I found that if I just throw all the sweet shit in there, I don’t. I won’t go and reach for it, like it’s in the pantry or somewhere like eye level. So this is down on like cat level and, and so , so these for me to forget about it.
And then, so every now and then I’ll remember, oh, there’s a bucket of sweets over there. That way I don’t feel deprived, but I’ve also placed it out of punch as a reach of myself. I
Jenn: like it. I like it. I’m gonna do that without, I’ll try it. Well, I’ll see if that happens. And that’s another, that actually brings up a really good point is once you find out these patterns, or even if you’re not sure what they are, just trying something on seeing if it works.
Like I have no idea if what you said is gonna work for me, putting it in the corner like I am, be like, Oh, D was right, this is like perfect. Or this is shit. It doesn’t work for me. I’m not gonna do it anymore. But I tried it on to see if it’s a [00:29:00] tool that will work for me.
De’Vannon: Now, would you suggest that sort of strategy with dealing with all of the issues that you’ve talked to, talked about today?
You know, what? If somebody has a barrage of negativity that their mind had closed off, you know, shut off the memory because of it was so traumatic that their brain cut it off of them. And what if it comes back? What do they find themselves in a, a rape situation? You know, do you recommend these sort of tools or what?
Jenn: That one I think,
De’Vannon: I mean, of course they can always reach out to you. You don’t think decided every thing. Yeah, no, absolutely.
Jenn: It’s, it’s the fact of dealing with ptsd and I know that so many people thought that it was only military that went through it. And I do not wanna take away from what our veterans have [00:30:00]gone through.
Any, any force because even if you don’t get shipped abroad, the military goes through some dark shit just through bootcamp and PTSD can affect us all in its posttraumatic stress disorder. And I say that as I did not realize I had PTSD until I had my brain surgery because that’s when all my like memory slid it back.
And I started having a lot more body reactions in the fact of you bring up the rape victim. I, the majority of my abuse was from people I trusted when, from the ages of eight to 10. And so if somebody that I trust tries to touch me at times, I go into fight or flight, it’s very fucking annoying. and I’m still working through it yet by going to therapy, by going [00:31:00] to group help.
Those are things that really help me get through it. It’s also something that is not gonna go away anytime soon probably. Or it might go away for a while and it might come back cuz mental health is like, you know, it’s not linear. It likes to be all over. And I would say just if it happens, especially if it happens in public, if it happens when you’re driving, if it happens in those types of situations.
First, please get yourself to safety. Please try to think about that first. No matter what is happening, it’s not always possible to do this yet. Please get to safety and then who cares what the fuck you look like. If you are pulled over somewhere safe and having a meltdown, if you’re in the middle of a grocery store having a meltdown, who the fuck cares if you are safe?
Nobody’s gonna hit you. Nobody’s gonna run into you. Nobody’s gonna do anything to you. [00:32:00]This is not always feasible, though. This can happen when you’re doing other things and I don’t know the resources to that. I’m happy to go look it up, but this is why I highly suggest at least having a relationship with a therapist you trust.
Because I stopped going to therapy. Oh goodness, probably January this year and, but I still have my therapist number. So if shit hits the fan, if something happens, I can be like, Yo therapist, I need help. Or my family members know, I don’t know what fuck just happened to Jen. She just like melted. Could you come like, Put her back together, please.
De’Vannon: Mm-hmm. . Yeah, it’s come and put me back together, Lord Jesus. Yes. So I do, I I would always recommend journaling and all your suggestions are phenomenal and so heartfelt and I appreciate the fuck out of them. And again, people can still reach out to you and [00:33:00] see what, we’ll see what can be done see what can happen.
I’ve started doing mdm, a assisted therapy with a social worker and also cell assignment therapy with a social worker for like my ptsd, ocd, anxiety and all of that. I recommend some of this hallucinogenic therapy to y’all cuz the, the drugs they prescribe. But in these clinics for me, re react very negatively with my system that I get from like a psychiatrist and shit like that.
The hallucinogenics I’ve had a more positive results with. And so I walk away from them like I, when I’ve been on those trips. I don’t feel like so out of body. I, my mind was just still, And for me, that is a strong deliverance because my mind is usually not still. And so that quietness followed me out of the therapy.
And it’s the same thing with me and like CBD gummies, because my body doesn’t react to smoking weed at all, no matter the strand. But it does re [00:34:00] respond to the gummies. And so I take it as like a form of therapy. And I find that the quietness, my mind remembers it when I’m no longer under the influence of the drug.
Jenn: I, I wanna add to that too in the fact that, as we were saying before, do what finds best for you. I’m biotech type too, which I found out is like, if I take drugs, it doesn’t fuck me up in a good way. It fucks with my head bad. And so if I smoke weed, I’m probably ki crying in the bathtub. It’s, it’s not cool.
Like I’ve been, I’ve talked to multiple the psychiatrists and I’m like, So I kinda wanna do lsd. And they’re like, Please don’t. It’s just going not in the fact of like, please don’t in the fact that, you know, all this is experimental. But because they’re like, studies show that if you’re bipolar type one or type two, you have [00:35:00] adverse effects to drugs because your brain already, the chemistry in it will not react properly like most people do.
And I’m like, Oh, that makes sense because I’ve tried different things and it fucks with me where you talked about that you don’t take the medications that a psychiatrist may prescribe. Those help me, but I know that they can fuck up other people. So please try and like have a. A buddy and on to go like, make sure you’re doing okay, no matter which one you’re trying.
De’Vannon: Appreciate, sister. And so I heard you mention, you, you mentioned earlier like it was, it really, really hurt you because of people you, you trusted were, were some of the ones who had turned on you and And I just wanna to just pivot for just another, just another quick pivot and just us sin heart. Heartfelt warmth and love for people who feel that way [00:36:00] towards the church.
We’re not gonna go down a, a whole religious thing cause we did that on the last show and I appreciated it deliciously and delightfully. So, because, you know, we go to churches, and I was thinking about this earlier, you know, the only time we saw Jesus, like get up in arms, he tied that cord together and went in the temple and brand the people out who were like taking advantage of people, you know, in the house of God.
And I was thinking, you know, he didn’t go chasing down homosexuals or women who want abortions. And he didn’t even much go chase the people who were swindler and cheaters outside of the church. He went into the church because it’s bad enough that it’s happening. But in a place like that where it’s not supposed to happen, Is like the thing I think that really pissed him off.
And so whenever we are expecting love from a place where it’s supposed to come and we get hate, rejection, and pain, it’s a more bitter pill to swallow. And so for all of you who have ever been heartbroken by somebody who you expected to treat you right, I’m sorry. I send you [00:37:00] love and peace and yes, fuck you, Lakewood Church because you were the ones who broke my heart and did that shit to me after our long relationship with each other.
You mentioned that brain surgery. Tell, tell me why you had to have brain surgery.
Jenn: Sure. So I think going through all my surgeries might make it a make a bit more sense. I am 2022, I am 34 and I had surgery number 10 this year. So me and surgery is not that scary. Let’s see if I can remember all of my, I don’t know if I can do them in order.
Maybe I can. Okay. We’re gonna see if I can do this. All right. So, Nope. I got, when I was little, little kid, I got tubes in my ears, which I didn’t know was considered a surgery, but I guess it is. So I’m gonna count it. And then when [00:38:00] I was 13, I I was getting chronic bronchitis and they were noticing that my tonsils were causing it, but it’s very, very dangerous to take out your tonsils when you have a any lung infections.
So, but I wasn’t gonna get better cuz I’m hardcore asthma and they they did it and I coded, which is a really weird experience because I like, remember looking down at myself. Very bizarre. Anyway, so that happened. I had my tonsils taken out, and then I had my gallbladder taken out, and then I had my first boob surgery when I was 17.
And then I had an umbilical hernia, which basically because I [00:39:00] got my gallbladder out through my belly button, the scar tissue caused a hernia on where my umbilical cord would’ve been with my belly button. So that’s why it’s called an umbilical hernia. And it didn’t go through. So I got another surgery for that.
Oh, I’m missing one. They couldn’t pull my teeth with me awake for my wisdom teeth, so they had to sedate me for it, like all the way out, sedated to what? What else am I thinking of? Oh, sinus and no surgery cuz I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, brain surgery and in another boob job because it wasn’t very good at when I was 17, so I finally got them nice.
10. Yeah. So brain surgery was 2020 not the biggest deal. Me and going to [00:40:00] surgery is not a big deal. I’m just like, Oh, I have to have another, Okay, whatever. I’ve grown up around doctor’s offices because I was su such a sick child. I was constantly hospitalized for my asthma and I got pneumonia a lot and bronchitis a lot.
I was a really fun kid and it was around the age of three to four that my skull. Started forming a bump on my right temple and my mom was like, The fuck is going on with my daughter. So we lived in Phoenix at the time, and she took me to the hospital. They did MRIs and CAT scans and all that, and they found that my I had OID cysts on my brain.
And an OID cyst is CYS is just like fluid. [00:41:00] It’s just like a, if you take a bubble and it’s on my the OID cyst is on the, between the brain and the spider webbing around your brain. And so they found it when I was like two or three, and they were like, Yo, don’t worry about it. Most children, if they get it, they don’t really know where I got it from, but they’re like, Most children will grow out of it.
Don’t worry. So fast forward till I’m like eighth grade, so like 12, 13. And I’m in my mom’s room for some reason, and I look in the mirror and I finally realize like, why is my temple so weird? And I’m like staring at myself like, What the fuck? Like as like a 13 year old, like this was mind blowing. I didn’t know what it was, but it didn’t really ever affect me other than I was like, I have this out.
It looks really weird. I hate [00:42:00] it. Not a big deal. Very cosmetic, whatever, around the age. 20 something like, give or take. A year or two I started getting really, really bad pressure, headaches where I would have to tie a scarf around my head, cut off circulation to everything else, and. Like try to get rid of the pressure on my right temple.
That happened a few times every year, maybe like not consistent enough to do anything about it or be concerned. I just thought I have all these medical conditions, I’m just probably a freak and it’s another one of those things. I don’t care. And in 2020 it started happening weekly. Okay, this is weird. And you can’t really do anything.
Like you can’t work, you can’t do much. And I was getting to the point where I had like this [00:43:00]giant jar of change that I would lay down on the bed with my head on the pillow and put change on my head to put like enough weight on it to try to get rid of the pressure. And I’m like, Okay, I gotta get this taken care of.
Like this is, this is. Causing issues. And I’m like, Okay, I’ll make an appointment, blah, blah, blah. I made an appointment with a neurologist and they’re like, Yo, bro, try taking these like migraine medicines. Okay. Didn’t fix it whatsoever. And then they were like, Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. A reference or nothing, don’t worry.
And so I’m, this is when my sister started working with me and were driving to work together and I’m driving and I have to pull over because my vision went away and I couldn’t see all I could. It was just like, went all [00:44:00] black and the pressure was so bad, like I’m crying because it’s just hurting so bad.
So she finishes driving us to work and my partner came to pick me up cuz she needed to stay in work and they finally were like, Okay, cool. You can go see a surgeon. Well, I’m back in Phoenix at this point. And the same borrow barrow brain surgeons are in Phoenix or super dope, highly suggest them. I bring in my records to them cuz I still have the records, which, Oh yeah.
Give me a second. You wanna see this? This is cool. Okay.
Okay. I have the original scans from when I was a kid. Let’s. I don’t know how I’m gonna do this.
De’Vannon: You probably have to have a light
Jenn: behind it. I know. I’m like trying to think if I can do, Oh, I kiss the like, like this. Eh, eh, let me turn on my flashlight, bro. [00:45:00] Oh wow. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, Oh, see, you can see where my eyeballs are, right?
Yeah. And you see that giant, that big thing? Yeah. And then you can see one in the back of my head too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. These are from when I was a kid.
De’Vannon: Okay. And they just like left that there. Yeah,
Jenn: because normally they go away naturally. Normally assist is like no big deal. So that’s the one that’s still there. It’s actually grown. And so , I get so excited I bring these into the neurologist or the neurosurgeon with me and I’m like, Look, And they’re like, We’re not gonna do anything about it.
No. They’re like, It’ll just go away. This isn’t normal. Like, or this, These are routine things. No big deal. So they go and they’re like, Hey, go get lidocaine shots. See if that helps. So I have to wait until one of these things normally go. Then I have to go into the doctor and get a lidocaine shot, which [00:46:00] is just numbing serum.
And so they put a ton of lido and I’m like, It’s not going away. And so it’s not the pain at this point that’s hurting. Like, yes, it hurts, but I’m crying because they can’t figure it out. And at this point I’m thinking, no one will believe me. So I think I’m stuck with this for the rest of my life. But after further, they actually took it to like the board of Surgeons at the hospital.
And they were like, Yo, like this isn’t normal, that she gets headaches from this. Like she’s going through so much. So they did a experimental surgery. What they did is if you think of a lake and then you think of this like randomly fluid as my river, as a river, they took my lake of a cyst and created a scar tunnel into the regular, like brain fluid that just chills in your brain.
So as of it’s [00:47:00] about two years now, it’ll be two years on November 2nd I’ve had less than half a dozen headaches from it again. So it seems to be working. But that area, what they didn’t know, and there’s not a lot of research on it, is that having surgery there, because all of your long term memories are right around your right temple, like a little bit behind.
And that is where they cut into me and they had to do the surgery. So yeah, it was like, Hey, you’re gonna have brain surgery, but you’re also gonna have to remember all the fucking shit you ever went through. And yeah, that was, that was fun.
De’Vannon: Are you glad that the [00:48:00] memories were released to the extent that you are able to work on processing through it, or would you have rather it stayed hidden?
Jenn: It’s like when people say that they’re grateful for what they went through because it makes them who they are. Yeah, I agree with that, but I never wanted to go through all this shit, you know, like it’s not like I wanted all of that to happen. So it’s like a both, like I think if I didn’t remember all of it, I would have been ignorance as bliss.
But because I did go through all of it, I also found my voice to be able to advocate for others and that is more important to me. Yet it took me, realizing what I [00:49:00] went through to be able to find the strength to do it. Yet my ignorant is bliss side of me would’ve been totally fine, not realizing that my entire life.
Yeah, it’s like you, you know, I, I like the harder path I normally choose it. Not meaning to because I’m very stubborn, but, so it’s a, it, it happened,
De’Vannon: it worked out. I appreciate it. That’s a positive perspective over. I encourage everyone to try their best to find something good out whatever it is that you went through.
I agree with you in terms of my own history. Had there been another way, Lord, but it didn’t go that way, so fuck it. Here we are. Let’s move on. Hallelujah. To have and praise now since in staying better in adding to the problems that are already there. Yep. So you mentioned something that we’re gonna pivot as we begin to wrap up here.
Y’all, this bitch. Has probably the best [00:50:00] TikTok channel that I’ve ever like swed over, her outfit she has on the sequin and the glitter and the gl. It’s just so powerful and it’s so encouraging and it’s so inspiring. And I mean, it’s like, it’s like, it’s like on your TikTok channel you look like, so you like God extracted all of the pride spirit from every gay person in the world and just like put it in you and then you’re the living manifestation of what it means to just be happy and accepting
Jenn: so thank you. And I will say part of that was the person that was marketing and just being able to read what I wanted to do. Like she gave me the topic, but I was able to know how to make it happen. I, those videos are old because I haven’t posted on TikTok or Instagram. The podcast is kind of on pause because I don’t know how to do that myself.[00:51:00]
Like if somebody says Jen, like it was, and I hate that I didn’t know this, that it was National Indigenous Day recently. And I was like,
Why did I not know that? Why did I not know that we changed laws from Columbus Day to be National Indigenous Day? Why are we not making it better known? And I also, you mention about how I post about Juneteenth and I am very proud of that post. Yet at the same time, I’m very disappointed in myself. That I didn’t make a post for Hispanic Heritage Month or for Indigenous People’s Day, but I also have to, even though I’m disappointed, I have to be able to say, Jen, you’re one person.[00:52:00]
You, you’re only one person. Yes, I can make a difference. I also only have people have said spoons in the mental health area. I only have so much bandwidth. I only have so much that I can give. And if I half asked any any everything, people aren’t gonna get what they deserve. And that’s why I’ve put everything on pause.
Now. If anybody wants to help me on social media, you are welcome into my life. I’m just gonna put that out there. Someone wants to come into my life and help on social media. That’s, that’s basically, I just need someone to be like, Jen, post this. Like, get the ideas outta my head and help me. I need somebody to hold my hand.
But I, I appreciate where you were going with that. I just wanted to almost, it’s almost like self deprecating where I’m like, I have to call myself out on that because I, I do still feel that disappointment in myself.
De’Vannon: Well, [00:53:00] I mean, you already said it. You’re only one person. I’ll add to that, that you’re, you cannot necessarily stand up for every group of people all the time, and perhaps it’s not meant for you two.
So whatever was meant to happen did happen. Wherever. Wasn’t, didn’t. And the beautiful thing about social media, podcasting, writing books, those things are ever green in the sense that even though those videos might be old, they can still have a positive influence on somebody today, which is one of the main reasons why we do what we do.
Because, you know, social media work, podcasting is like a living testimony when we’re dead and gone. People can still go back and find this. And it won’t matter how old it is, what they’re gonna be concerned about is, can I relate to this and can it help me? And what we are going through now is the same thing some people went through before.
The same people, the same thing people are gonna go through after. So give yourself a break. Girlfriend, you doing the damn thing. And so thank you. And so shout out to Cardi B. [00:54:00] Yes. I love her. And so so she has an incredible, So I think, I think social media is great. I don’t care. I don’t think I even noticed that it was outdated because it was so captivating.
It was so captivating. I was just so intrigued. And so one of, though, you were talking about like anxiety and depression and you mentioned just a few seconds ago about how you, everything was going great when you were searching for the job and everything, but you were still sad. A person who’s super close to me in my life.
Gets that way. Sometimes I get that way very, very rarely, and when I do, there’s a scripture in the book of Psalms where David, I believe is talking and he’s having one of those types of days and he’s all like, Why are you cast down my soul and why are you quid within me? He was like, I’m sad. I don’t know why I feel sad.
Yeah. That’s how I found it in the scripture. I know not everybody is [00:55:00] spiritual and scriptural, you know, like I am, but it really, really sparked with me when you mention that because sometimes our emotions betray our reality. Mm-hmm. , either way, a person can be manic and shit can just be like really terrible and they could be overly optimistic and I’m all like, No girl.
This is serious. You need to calm down and deal with this shit. Then in the other hand, everything is great and yet they’re sad with the blinds closed and under the covers, so.
Jenn: It’s, it’s definitely something that I posted it because
first off, it fucking sucks anxiety attacks, depression being bipolar, type two being bipolar, like, mental health struggles are, are not talked about and accepted enough. And I, I do want to [00:56:00] mention that there, I, I wanna talk about my own struggles. Yes, I do also wanna call out that systemically there are marginalized communities that have to deal with mental health issues even more because of microaggressions and things that a white folk don’t necessarily deal with.
And I. I wanna call that out because that is something that many people won’t acknowledge that they’re going through something because they see it as racism from others. That that’s the emotion that’s coming up is because of that. I say that because anxiety and depression and anything that has changes our moods without our desire to [00:57:00] ptsd, we, they don’t, they’re not our front.
They really, as we were talking earlier, really cause us to think things that are untrue. And it can be, yes, exercise and diet can help. Other people do have success with that. Some people don’t. Some people need experimental drugs. Some people need prescribed drugs. Some people need therapy. Some people need journaling.
Some people need kickboxing and boxing to be able to beat the shit outta something. It’s different for all of us, and I want others to see that they’re not alone going through it. Because I, I don’t remember what I said in that post because I was crying. It was, it was fun but it was where we,[00:58:00]
we don’t expect it. So what do we do when it happens? How do we prepare ourselves if it happens? How do we have these conversations? If I am having a panic attack and. Van and I call you, what do you do? Like what are you supposed to do that that’s not something that’s taught in school. If I’m having a panic attack, like that’s not something that if I’m becoming dis, having coping mechanisms that are unhealthy, such as self harm that friendships or family is taught to deal with, and this is really why I want to share these journeys because show that it happens before it may happen, but also be able to have people go, Oh shit, I went through that like a year ago.
Maybe I should go look into getting help or [00:59:00] resources or builder tool belts. Because without it, we we’re kind of just a hot fucking mess in the fact that this is when bad situations happen in my opinion.
De’Vannon: Hey, I think your opinion is a golden opinion, and I encourage to listen to your opinion. I commend you on caring enough to make a Juneteenth video like you did.
And she also has a, an ally video because Jen is a friend of the gays darling. Yes. The need, expect her to find her at any of your prides. You never know where she might end up next. So
Jenn: it’s true. I, well, I wanna go to all the prides. I really wanna go to Atlanta. That is where I hope I get to go next year.
Like that would
De’Vannon: be fun. You know what? Whenever you wanna plan it, you know, my boyfriend is from outside of Atlanta, and so I be in Atlanta like a lot. Yay. And then I just heard that they have an iowaska retreat thing outside of Atlanta, and so that’s one of my next things to try for therapy. And [01:00:00] so yes, we can definitely plan in Atlanta Pride because their, their prides like happens in October.
You know, they wait until not in June. Oh, yay. So and so so that was, you know, that pretty much wraps us up. I, I wanted to do this deeper, this deeper dive with you. I thank you for your transparency. The website is www dot shit, the number two talk about.com. She has a link tree also shit to talk about.
And all of this will go in the show notes. The podcast is shit you don’t want to talk about with the great hostess, as I, as I say in my Sian accent. And so my dear, there is anything you’d like to say to the world. Any last words? Closing comments, remarks, salutations, whatever. Go on.
Jenn: I do. And that is beautiful.
Humans. As shitty as it is, you’ll get through this and you got this. It’s not the end of the world, no [01:01:00] matter how much it seems. It is cause y’all. We’re just a few of the people that can tell you that you can get through it. We’ve been through some shit, but it’s also, you don’t have to go through it.
Like we said, there’s other ways too.
De’Vannon: All right. Thank you so much for coming on the show, my girl. You wrapped it up nicely. We’ll see you next time. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
Thank you all so much for taking time to listen to the Sex Drugs and Jesus podcast. It really means everything to me. Look, if you love the show, you can find more information and resources at SexDrugsAndJesus.com or wherever you listen to your podcast. Feel free to reach out to me directly at DeVannon@SexDrugsAndJesus.com and on Twitter and Facebook as [01:02:00] well.
My name is De’Vannon, and it’s been wonderful being your host today. And just remember that everything is gonna be right.