INTRODUCTION:
This marks the first episode of me speaking candidly about my recent breakup with my partner of half a decade. This was messy but it is the reality that I am currently living in and trying my best to overcome. All I can say is that you are not alone if you have been damaged by any type of narcissist. Let us ban together, heal and move forward.
HEALTHLINE:
https://www.healthline.com/health/covert-narcissist
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· A Look Into Covert Narcissism
· Sex Addiction
· It’s Easier To Tell The Truth
· Woman’s Intuition
· 43 Sexts Sent In 30 Minutes From My Ex To His Hoe
· Truth Mixed With Lies
· Broken Vows
· A Grindr Warning: Variable Ratio Reinforcement
· There Are Too Many Options
· Options Are The Illusion Of Freedom
CONNECT WITH DE’VANNON:
Website: https://www.SexDrugsAndJesus.com
Website: https://www.DownUnderApparel.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexdrugsandjesus
YouTube: https://bit.ly/3daTqCM
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SexDrugsAndJesus/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexdrugsandjesuspodcast/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TabooTopix
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/devannon
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.es/SexDrugsAndJesus/_saved/
Email: DeVannon@SDJPodcast.com
DE’VANNON’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
o https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370
o TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
· OverviewBible (Jeffrey Kranz)
o https://www.youtube.com/c/OverviewBible
· Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed (Documentary)
· Leaving Hillsong Podcast With Tanya Levin
o https://leavinghillsong.podbean.com
· Upwork: https://www.upwork.com
· FreeUp: https://freeup.net
VETERAN’S SERVICE ORGANIZATIONS
· Disabled American Veterans (DAV): https://www.dav.org
· American Legion: https://www.legion.org
· What The World Needs Now (Dionne Warwick): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfHAs9cdTqg
INTERESTED IN PODCASTING OR BEING A GUEST?:
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https://podmatch.com/signup/devannon
TRANSCRIPT:
Covert Narcissism Breakup Part 1
[00:00:00]
De’Vannon: on December 24th. In the year 2022, I discovered text messages in my then boyfriend’s phone. My boyfriend’s of almost half a decade where he hadn’t gone out in, had an affair back in October of 2022. A few days later, I discovered, well, within the text, within his phone, I found a few days after he had the first affair.
He tried to go and have a second affair. It was about 1:00 AM. I can tell you it was not cute.
Now, for those of you who followed the show and have been listening, you may have noticed fluctuations in my energy over the shows that have been released over the last two [00:01:00] months. That’s because I’ve been really, really trying to process this and deal with it. It has not been cute. In February, almost sent myself to the hospital due to the way that I was self-harming myself.
I, I found that it wasn’t so easy for me to listen to a lot of the advice that I give to people. However, this breakup here is something that I’ve never been through before. This is my first official serious breakup, and this is the longest relationship that I’ve ever had. And so I’m not whining, I’m not complaining.
I’m thankful for the experience and the lessons that this has taught me. I’m just letting you know. What’s been going on. And at first I had said I wasn’t going to, you know, do a show or go online and talk about this, but the further I get away from him and the more I reflect over what’s happened, and I’ve talked to friends and different people who have dealt with the narcissistic people, and it’s just, it’s just absolutely [00:02:00] outrageous and it’s just too much.
And it seems like the more I write about this and the more I talk about it, it’s like I’m taking that trauma that has been very, very deep rooted inside of me and lifting it up all out of me. And it’s like when I put it down on paper or when I speak about it, it’s like I’m letting that much more of it go.
It’s like I’m letting that much more of it go permanently. I’m not about to be,
you know, a year from now, still hung up on this. I’m not about to be. still traumatized. It’s time to let this go and move forward. And while I’m moving forward, I’m gonna see whatever I can do to help those of you move forward who are also healing from having been in a relationship or impacted in some type of way by narcissist.
Now, whatever [00:03:00] I say in this episode or in episodes to come, you know, or my, my opinion and my research, I’m not a medical doctor. I didn’t have no training in this, but I don’t need a doctor to tell me what I already know and what I’ve lived through. I’m gonna be reading the definition for, for a Narcissist Soon from a Healthline article that I will put in the show notes for those of you who want to do some research on your own.
Michelle, being in a relationship with these people can make you feel crazy. You’re not crazy. They are crazy. And what they’re trying to do is project their, their, their psychosis onto you and break you down. But baby, I’m here to build you back up today because we gonna have to come up higher than this.
So
in the spirit of Taylor Swift, let the shade [00:04:00] begin. Honey, my name is Devan and Hubert. I’m the host of the Sex Drugs in Jesus podcast. And thank you for joining me today in Second Timothy in the in the Bible verse three through nine, it says this also no, that in the last days, perilous time shall come for men, shall be lovers of them.
For men shall be lovers of their own. Coves. Boasters, proud blasphemers, disobedient. The parents unthankful and holy without natural affection. Truce breakers, false accusers in incontinent, fierce despisers of those who are good. Traitors. Heady, high-minded lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof from such.
Turn away for this sort are they wish creep into houses and lead captive silly women laden with [00:05:00] sins, led away with divers, lust, ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Now, as Jonas and Johns withstood, Moses, so do these also resist the truth. Men of corrupted minds, rerate concerning the faith, but they shall proceed.
No further for their father shall be manifest unto all men as theirs also was. from within this passage here. This is what stood out concerning my ex. You know, you know, lovers of themselves, you know, with, within narcissistic people, that’s a signature trade. Narcissism is esp, apparently broken down in the covert narcissism, and overt narcissism is like a whole thing.
And I intend to do a whole different show on that or include some of the information in the book that I’m gonna write because, you know, I gotta write a book about this baby. And so [00:06:00] it, it, it is a very self selfish way to live. You know, lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God. . You know, I, I asked my partner years ago if he thought he had a sex addiction or anything like that, and he was like, Nope, not me.
It’s those other people on Grindr. There’s nothing wrong with me. When we went to couples counseling for the first time, we went twice, and by the time this all blew up, we both had hypnotherapist individually. We both were seeing the couple’s counselor, you know, I have also a licensed clinical social worker that I see.
We were in front of a lot of different therapists, but the first time we went to the couple’s counselor, what they do, and we went over there in Louisiana State University in their grad school program. It was like super cheap to go, like maybe 15 bucks a week or something like that. [00:07:00] So for those of you who need mental health treatment, check your local, you know, colleges and universities.
They might have a, like a, like a, you know, like a, a special program like that. , you can get in on the cheap. The first thing they do over there, and I thought this was super thorough and very unusual, was they take both members of the couples or every, many people and they put them in separate rooms and they give them separate counseling for many weeks, months, or whatever it takes because to sort through each individual person’s issues before you bring the, the, the couple together in the room.
I took like, I dunno how many weeks to go through it all. Cause they, they, what they asked you is tell us all the trauma, anything you think bad is happening to you from the time you were born up till now. I know I took my good sweet time. I’m in there crying about like my grandmother’s death and stuff and I thought I was over, you know, et cetera, et cetera.
My ex child, , [00:08:00] he did like one whole session, told them people, was there, nothing wrong with him. And then that was that. I thought that was strange. I did not have the knowledge that I know now. If I ever meet somebody who looks me in the eye and be like, I don’t have any problems. I’m going turn and run
Okay. Like the road runner trying to get away from Wild E Coyote or no? Mm-hmm. . I didn’t un, I did not know what a serious like red flag that that was.
Let me see. Verse seven says, ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Like I mentioned, we had so, so much therapy over the years. There’s so much in, in, in home Bible studies, in in education, you know, that I was trying to, to, to, to, to guide us through is like no matter what information I put in front of this child, you know, this boy, he never [00:09:00] evolved.
He never grew. It is like, When we would sit in front of the co the couple’s counselors, they would echo this and be like, and for the purposes of this broadcast, we’ll refer to my ex as Ethan. And you know, they’d be, they’d be telling Ethan you know, doesn’t seem like you’re really getting too much out of this.
You know, he would just sit there in counseling, be quiet, not say too much. And the little he did say was some sort of defensive foolishness, you know, that that really wasn’t productive or anything. I thought some of this was like immaturity. I hoped he would like grow out of it. I was like 36 when I met him, and I think he was like 21.
I don’t, you know, age does not, does not mean anything to me. I had, you know, issues trying to date people my age trying to date men my age because the men my age, I mean like clockwork. Every date that I would go out on, all they wanted to do was sit there and talk about their ex. . [00:10:00] I’m like, well, why don’t you go back to him then we here now.
But literally, this happened so much so the people my age came with all this baggage. I thought to myself, now it’s like, self, why don’t we, you know, go down here and find someone younger. They, they probably won’t have an ex to sit there and talk about. In this case, it was true. Ethan didn’t have an ex to talk about what, well, our problems begin because he had like a litany of fuck boys, you know, you know, no exes, but a thousand people he slept with in, in, in an, in inability to disentangle himself from, from his oversexualized nature where you live and learn, bitch, you live and learn,
but you know, You know, the warning I want to give the narcissist out [00:11:00] there is like how in verse nine, here it says, but, but you know, but, but you shall proceed no further, but your father shall be made manifests unto all men. As these people who had the nerve to, to, to withstand Moses, was. Now look, everything that’s done in the dark is gonna come to the light.
There is no hiding anything from God. And whether you believe in God or not does not change the fact that he has power over all things. And the error of a narcissist is to put themselves in the place of God. They wanna manipulate and lie, control the narrative, rearrange things. But you see, you can’t worship God in yourself at the same time.
And I guarantee you, you going to lose because God has power over these things because God has power over all things and is a terrible and dangerous thing to fall into the hands of of the Lord.[00:12:00]
Now from that Healthline article that I had mentioned,
It says A, A covert narcissist has a narcissistic personality disorder, also known as N P D, but does not display a sense of of self importance. Often associated with the condition. They may deal with insecurity and low self-esteem. These people might seem self-centered or so focused on their own importance that they’ve lost touch with reality, or maybe they don’t appear to care about others and rely on manipulation to get what they want.
Some of the traits are shyness and introversion, self-consciousness, insecurity, defensiveness, sensitivity to what others think of them. Bitch. If I had read these traits when I first met my ex-boyfriend, I would not have stayed with him as long [00:13:00] as I did. However, at the same time in my head, I was considering that I did not want to be found to be a hypocrite before God because those of you who follow the show in read my books and writings and things like that and heard me on other people’s shows, that I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to go on.
You know, you know that I’ve been through, you know, a lot of like, a lot of self-inflicted things that I did to myself, you know, from being homeless and getting hepatitis and H I v and you know, all the felonies and being in and outta jail. It took a long time and a lot of people. They helped to bring me back to life.
I didn’t think that it would be befitting for me to leave at the first, second, third, fourth, fifth sign of trouble. You know, I received a lot of mercy. I received a lot of grace, you know, and as the Lord tell us freely, you have received, freely give. Maybe I ticket it too far. Maybe, you know, it’s certainly I’ll let myself be taken advantage of.
But you know, that’s okay [00:14:00] when, when the time truly came to stop, you know, the time truly came to stop and you know, everybody’s gonna look at this and go, you know, damn, I wouldn’t have stayed with him that long. You probably wouldn’t have. But I’ve perceived extreme amounts of grace in this life and it falls to me to give other people extreme amounts of grace more than enough space and time to get it right.
The beautiful thing, you know, in January, as I was struggling with this, I mean, I was. And I was fasting in January. I didn’t have any alcohol, no mind altering substance or anything. Not because it’s sober January, but because I was seeking a special thing from the Lord. And you know, when you really, really want something deep from God, you gotta get quiet before him and you know, and deny yourself things that you would ordinarily have until that sacrifice to see if you can get God to move.
I had already set my heart to do this before [00:15:00] I found out about this, you know, about Ethan on you know, almost at, you know, at New Year. And I was so like disoriented. I don’t it, I don’t think it was because of the fasting. It’s not like I was fasting all day. It was just the emotional mind fuck of having found this out.
I was like, I was walking around my house, walking into the walls and shit. I’m missing appointments. You know, get my interviews, my podcast interviews, all crisscrossing, screwed up. You know, disorganized, can’t sleep, not eating right. You know, it’s like I didn’t recognize who I was and over what some, some shit a human than, than to me
child. We, you know, I thought I, I would’ve thought that I would’ve been stronger than that. You know, I would’ve thought that I would’ve had more, you [00:16:00] know, you know, infrastructure, internal strength built up within me than that. I didn’t realize that being this close to a person, you know, and they devastate you can throw you off like this.
But we’ve been throwing off, but we can get back on track. I’m thankful to be talking to you today with more life coming back into my voice. I was deflated for a minute, but you know, Yeah, boys, I’m coming back to life now. I’m coming back to life. Now.
The fucked up part about this is that Ethan already knew about like, my history with like my dad’s cheating. Cuz you know, my dad had a couple of affairs on my mom, one of which, when he, when she was pregnant with me. Yeah. So that’s how I came into the world. And I’m not complaining, it just was what it was.
He already knew about the guy from when I was in high school when I was 15 and the other guy was 22. I mean, trying to give [00:17:00] me AIDS and things like that, you know, I thought I was dating him or whatever. I know I was 15 child first man the, show me any serious attention. I, you know, I thought I was doing something.
Though, he also, this dude in my book, I call him Nico in my sex drugs in Jesus book. I call him Nico. Well, he had this whole like fiance, you know, , you know, living in another state the whole time, who just suddenly moved to Louisiana and showed up at church one day. I, you know, I like, okay, where did, where did this person come into the picture?
It’s like, I get, humans are going to do like, fucked up shit. We all do. I’ve done fucked up shit. I’m not trying to paint myself out to have had been perfect here. You know, Ethan stood by me with my drug addiction. You know, going out there and sleeping around and stuff like that. I am not perfect, but what I always did with [00:18:00] these three men didn’t do Ethan, my dad and Nico is come back and tell the truth so that everybody affected, can make decisions.
Okay? I think that that’s about all you can ask from many human, cuz you’re not gonna get perfection out of anybody. You know, just come back to the table and tell the truth. No matter what I went out and did, I always came back and told him that he can decide if he wants to stay, go. We’re gonna go to counseling, you know, whatever.
I expected that in return, you know what you’ve done is what you’ve done. But how in the hell can you look in somebody’s face from one day to the next, lay down in them and lay down with them in bed at night in the case of cheating, potentially expose them to STDs and things like that, and not give them a say in it with no conscious, no remorse.
You can go cheat, fuck whoever, tell nobody and then lay down and [00:19:00] sleep and see sweet dreams as though you’ve done nothing wrong. I look, I look at my ex like he’s a devoid of a soul, devoid of humanity, you know? Who the fuck does shit like this? Let’s get more into it. Like I said, for the purpose of this pro broadcast, my ex’s name will be referred to as Ethan.
There’s gonna be three fuck boys of his that we mentioned. And like I said, he has many, he has many, I couldn’t even get, it was so hard to enjoy the fucking relationship with him. Everywhere we go, he’s like, I fucking, everything that moves through the room, constantly getting messages from social media, not even like Grindr and Jack, just like social media, you know, people trying to, to have to fuck him again, who he’s fucked before.
You know, and then, I mean, grinder and Jack couldn’t even much, [00:20:00] barely got on dates with him trying to be on there, trying to see who he could fucking ex, you know? And I, you know, I didn’t realize what, like a serious problem this was, but I was trying not to judge. Cause I was like, you know what, when I was in my twenties, I was the same way.
But when I was in my twenties, I did not have a serious boyfriend. You know, because as soon as I met, met a guy who, who gave me a little bit of attention, I stopped, you know, any kind of like being on apps or anything like that, because I’m the type to be too clingy too fast. You know? I would let stop talking to all the other boys, you know, just for one.
And although my ex claimed that he wanted like a serious relationship, he didn’t act like he wanted a serious relationship. That’s another thing about these narcissistic, manipulative people. They say one thing, , but then their actions in the, in the, in the way they speak. Don’t, it don’t line up. [00:21:00]You know?
And that’s a part of what rips our minds apart because it, we want to trust them and we wanna believe, and we wanna make it make sense. But they constantly live in on two different planes. They live in one reality. You live in another reality, you know? And that’s why it’s so easy for them to lie, manipulate, because they have never really been down to earth in the first fucking place.
Fuck boy. One will be Jared, fuck boy. Two will be Nick. Fuck boy. Three will be Nate.
Now this is December 24th when I find this text. You can’t tell me women’s intuition ain’t real, baby. You know? And I believe women’s intuition and the Holy Ghost, the spirit, whatever you want to call him, running tandem. It was like a comb. Calm, calm, calm [00:22:00] sense of knowing that came over me. It wasn’t anxiety, it wasn’t insecurity.
It was like, Hmm, something. Don’t feel right. Something ain’t right. Something ain’t right. Something ain’t right. You know? Unlock his phone because we have access to each other’s phone, you know, and go and scroll through and find all that. The Lord gave e Ethan space and time. Like the Lord gives us all space and time to come and tell me this.
He beside it. When I woke him up at one in the morning, he just started lying, lying, lying, lying, lying, lying. In in, in my book that I’m gonna be writing, I’m gonna, I’m gonna have this, this, these text spelled out so you can see exactly what he said and, and things like that. This fool sent [00:23:00]43 text messages, text messages to this fuckboy, to who was he?
This was Nick. He was, he was texting Nick 43 text messages in 30 minutes. This is just Ethan talking to Nick, not counting Nick talking back to, to Ethan. So you probably over a hundred text messages between the two of them in a half an hour. During our relationship. Ethan never asked me for sex. He’s a part of this, this, this, this fucking pandemic epidemic where men cannot ask for sex unless this’s through an app or through some sort of technological device.
And in the relationship, you know, I was primarily the bottom. He was primarily the top. You would think that, you know, most Thompson would be able to get out there and get after a piece of ass if they wanted. Mm-hmm. , not these little boys running around [00:24:00] here, . They cannot, they absolutely cannot. , you know, so he was able to go on, you know, find some fuckboy on an app and get very heavily, aggressively sexual with them, seeking them out, initiating conversation.
And all I got was complaints from him throughout a relationship. And I had to do the initiating of the sex, but he could go and, and give this side of him to a stranger where we’ve been together for half a decade. That cuts. It really, really does. So on. But before, but before December 24th, I had found out about Jared.
Jared, who is fucking boy one Ethan and I had gone to New Orleans. Huge argument. I’m so thankful I will never [00:25:00] have another argument on the streets of New Orleans again. Only two people in my life have I ever had this unfortunate experience with. Both of them are narcissistic as people. Both of them have unresolved issues that come out in angry fits at 2:00 AM when they’re drunk.
I’ve been in New Orleans a thousand times twice. Told is the, that’s the only thing we come. You know, everything’s all, you know, everyone’s like arguing. This fool was so drunk. He took an Uber back from New Orleans to Baton Rouge, tried to blame the Uber driver for taking him to the wrong address and everything.
And it was like a whole thing. He comes back to my house, he’s all fucked up. I offer him to let me back his car out of my garage. He’s like, no fighting hits my car and everything like that. I check my I check his location just to be sure he got home safe, hoping we could talk through it. I look on [00:26:00] his location to find him at some man’s house child.
I’m all like, okay, and who is this ? This is somebody he claims he’s not fucking, and it’s like a, you know, like a whole thing, you know? And we’ll, we’ll get more back on Jared later. I did not believe him. Something just didn’t feel right. Now this is 7:00 AM and he’s over at Jared’s house and I go, this don’t make sense.
Ethan’s trying to say he was just talking to him over, over some apps or social media, whatever. He just met him and I said, oh, Uhuh, ain’t nobody gonna let you at their house at 7:00 AM unless y’all fucking, I got people I’ve known for 20 years. I can’t just go rap, tap, tap, tapping on they door at no 7:00 AM I’m gonna get cussed the fuck out.
Uhuh, nobody’s dead dying or going to jail yet. Don’t disturb people at 7:00 AM At least not physically in person. You can call some shit and see if they’re up. But [00:27:00] I said this is unusual. On this day, he lied. This was October 30th. He lied and said it was his first time meeting him the next day. He said they had hung out twice by the time the full truth came out.
come to find out. They, they, they, they had long history together, honey, long history together. Th that’s how, this is how Ethan did. He would, he would present me truth mixed with lies and then sell it as though it was a whole truth. So, on the 21st of November, because I never could get peace with this, I said, something still don’t feel right, something still don’t feel right.
Are you telling me the whole truth? And I said, you know what? We gonna do a vowel, you know, to God from my research, some, some, some poor women out there have been so, so, so degraded and [00:28:00] so de deconstructed by these trilon ass men that they’ve gone to get lie detector tests done on these men. Look, I’m gonna tell like this, if you come to a point, and it, and I, it’s when you’ve got children and all of this to consider, , their situation’s different.
If you have things that tie you into people, but my God, being with this person is gonna run your mind and you it is gonna wear it out, you’ll have a brain left. So I, I find a way to leave. If we’ve come to a point where we, where we have to have our men or women or what, or everything in between, whatever sort of per person you with, if they have to take a vow to God before you believe them, or a lie detector test bitch, it’s time to go.
We all deserve to be with somebody who, who we know is gonna look us in the eye, tell us the fucking truth we about where they’ve been, who they’ve been with, or what they have and haven’t been doing, and what their plans, hopes and dreams are. We should not have any fabricators around us. [00:29:00]Mm-hmm. like the Lord said, from such Turn away.
From such turn away. So I wrote, so I wrote out this vow. . Ethan and I, you know, touched hands and, you know, did a special prayer and really, really signified This. Vowels are real, real vowels are very, very real. And God hears you. You can’t, you know, God sees everything and he hears everything, okay? It is not, it is unwise to lie before the throne of God.
But let me read to you this vowel. This is how deep, deeply entrenched in deception narcissists are and how just detached from reality. Now this is, this is, this is what Ethan vocalized on the 21st of November. By now, he had already had the affair, was planning to have more was planning to keep Jared in his life.[00:30:00]
You know, he was not planning to get rid of these people. So not only did he go out and do what he did, he was planning on keeping them around. Personally, I feel like our relationship was over. , you know, back in October when he did all of this, he just didn’t have the balls to come to me and say, so when I go to break up with him, he’s acting like why?
He really couldn’t understand why I was leaving him. . You know, this vow is a promise made from Ethan to Devan and Hubert, and before the most high God, the father of Jesus Christ, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob, and the God of the Israelites. This vow is in direct relation to the secret relationship between Ethan and Jared.
Ethan Vows. The following is true without exception, and Ethan vials this to his hurt, pain, and retribution [00:31:00] in all areas of his life. Should he state and attest to anything that is not true and accurate? Ethan Vials the following. There was nothing in the chat stream. You did not want Devan in to see me pause here.
There was a an in Instagram was, was how Ethan was communicating with, with Jared. And one thing that I need to heal whenever stuff like this has happened is I need to see what, what, what, what he said to them. First of all, cause I don’t believe, I didn’t believe my ex. And what, what Ethan did was, while we were on the phone that night of the 30th, he and I asked him to save that, that that chat stream.
So that, and he’s of course arguing, well, why do you need it? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He intentionally deleted it, [00:32:00] lied and said he didn’t know how Instagram worked when he just, he’s always on social media. Could never get him off his damn phone. He knows how it worked and then cuz I did like a test of it myself and went to go delete a message and the whole big red screen pops up and says, are you sure you want to delete this?
He’s trying to act like it was an accident. You know, later on he would confess, he intentionally deleted it. But the thing was, I told you I needed this to help me. He intentionally deleted it. Okay? So that’s the chat stream. A part of this vow was trying to, for me, trying to get peace about that because there was a whole ga gaping space there, a whole block that was missing.
So I continue. There was nothing in the chat stream. You did not want to van and the sea. There was nothing sexual and you did not delete the chat stream on purpose. This is what Ethan is vowing to, to, to Christ. [00:33:00] Now you and Jared. Never had sex or did anything even remotely sexual. You know, Ethan, in this guy’s conversation never was sexual in person or over Instagram.
The two of you never watched pornography or anything sexual in nature. You never flirted with Jared in person over Instagram or in any other way at all. The nature of your conversation was completely friendly. There was no kissing, touching, rubbing, or physical contact between the two of you besides a possible handshake or other greeting goodbye gesture.
You never spent the night at this place and you never stayed past dark. You attest. There are no secret people you are visiting have visited in the past that you have not told me about, and there are no more guys you are in communication with in any way [00:34:00] whatsoever. This is November 21st. I’m sorry. Yeah.
2022. On the day that Ethan took this vow, I did not know about Nick and Nate . So on the day that Ethan took this vow, he had not yet divulged to me that him and Jared had a sexual history. They’ve been fucking back in college, off and on. All the things that he vowed to God were not true, were true.
This whole thing. And how, you know, how did I find out about this? Because I will confess to y’all, cuz I don’t mind letting my reputation be shredded. Hell it already is. Shit. . I mean, you, you read my book, I listen to my shows, bitch. I’ve done what I’ve done. I’ve did what I’ve did. So it’s too late to try to keep it too fucking classy over here, girl.
And so , [00:35:00] I allowed myself to become so pathetic and so insecure and so stripped of my identity and my fierceness that I went, and I, I, I used my own phone to, to secretly message Nick and Nate to try to verify what, what, what, what Ethan was telling me. Whether it was true or not.
One of them never responded.
And the other one Nick never responded and Nate caught on to that. It was like, You know, a ploy of mine to try to get truth out of him. And he basically told me what I’m telling you. He was like, okay, you don’t need to be with somebody who makes you feel the need to go around and skip trace and find truth.
And, and you know what? I, [00:36:00] I, I texted Nate back. I was like, you know what? You right. This is so sad. This is so pathetic of me. Look at what I’ve become . Look at what I’ve become. You know, you would think it would be easier, you know, to, to, to walk away from somebody who’s hurt. You like this, but it, it’s fucking hard to do.
You know? It is really, really fucking hard to do. When I did start to break away from Ethan, it’s like I had to wean myself off of him. I took like 24 hours and we used to text all throughout the day. We spent so much time together. I took 24 hours to just like not communicate with him at all. And it was fucking hard.
And I think I fell short of that slightly. And then, then I took like seven days. It was after that seven day period that I realized that I didn’t miss him. It was peace without him. And then that’s when I broke up with him. But it was fucking difficult. Even after that, it was still hard, is that I was trying to see can there be a friend she could, trying to [00:37:00] negotiate, trying to negotiate with, with, with the person who devastated me is not healthy.
All of my counselors and everything are like, girl run . They like you, they’re like, you almost put yourself in the hospital and everything like that. You can’t be worrying about Ethan right now. You know, you, you need, you need to be worrying about you.
And so the, the, the fu I don’t know if it’s funny or fucked up, you can be the judge of that, but in, in my conversation, talking, texting, Nate. One of the people Ethan had, had been slept with before. It’s like, it’s like Nate was trying to get me to leave Ethan for him. He , you know, he was like, you know what, I’ve been through this too.
And he, he, he and he, and he began to be a, a comforter to me. And I was like, well, this and shit. One of the people now, Ethan did not, well, as far as I [00:38:00] know, you know, cheat on me with, with Nate. There’s somebody like away from his past or something that he slept with. He, and she did try to go sleep with Nate a few days after.
He did go and fuck Nick, but Nate didn’t answer the phone. And that’s probably to Nate’s benefit because Ethan was running around here covid positive while he was cheating. And that’s a whole other thing there. But um, And so I, I thought that that was most interesting. But I was like, we’re not about to have us a trauma bond and go live a life because Ethan did fucked up shit. But, but Nate was like, I don’t wanna talk to Ethan no more. He can go eat shit and die cuz that’s just wrong. And so this whole thing is just dumb because all throughout last year Ethan and I were trying to work on having actually an open [00:39:00] polyamorous relationship.
Ethan was on this thing. He was like, he wants more variety. He feels like people in their twenties should just be ho. And I would tell him, no, that’s just you. Not everybody in their twenties fucks around like that. And so, but I didn’t hold it against him. I was trying to not be judgmental for my part. I was glad to have broken free of the church’s influence over me, making me feel like everyone had to be monogamous.
And if they’re not monogamous and they’re evil and sinful and. The devil’s gonna drag them down the hill, you know? And I did my own research and everything and I was beginning to break free of that. And and I never dealt with people like that. That was just something that I was struggling with in my own head.
Half the damn Bible is, is, is polygamous. So people who think that everyone should be monogamous and just, just fucking go to hell and be done with it. Cause I’m tired of dealing with the way they try to control humanity. And so well, I’m not tired of dealing with it. I will strive with those bastards, you know, you know, for [00:40:00] as long as I possibly can, but I am tired of hearing their fucking rhetoric.
But the whole thing was dumb because by the time Ethan decided to go do this, we were having orgies with people. We had tried having sex separately from people. He had this fixation where he was gonna have him a certain amount of fuck boys and or whatever. And I’m like, okay, I don’t see why you have to have a number but me.
It was more like having the freedom to not deny a connection should I happen to come across somebody For him, he wanted a set this many people he sees every month. Okay, well, he has all kinds of insecurities and validation issues, and really, he, he is leeching off of men to feel better about himself because of his own internal struggles and know all this.
Again, this is the person who sat there in counseling, like a damn silence, like it was a silent disco or some shit. Didn’t say too much. Okay. Hmm. Thinking I’m gonna stay with him. They [00:41:00] had the motherfucker had the nerves to ask me to still stay with him, to help him work through his issues. I’m like, you’ve had damn near half a decade of counseling to do that the fuck, have you been doing this whole time
So I’m like, no, you had your chance. It’s never, so that’s why the whole thing was dumb. I’m like, we already fucking other people. We had paused it because we, I had made some mistakes. He had made some mistakes, so we needed to regroup. We paused. And so he can start a job that I fucking help him get. And and so, so we had, we, so he couldn’t make it to the counseling sessions, you know, he had to reschedule and shit, you know.
But I’m like, dude, this is stupid. We’re already fucking other people and talking about it. Why in the hell would you wait till now to go and retaliate against me for whatever you think I’ve done? You know, from years ago, we can’t even remember the last time I’ve done anything in the way of [00:42:00] disrespecting him with another male.
I had outgrown that and evolved, and evolution is a word that my ex does not know. And and I’m like, it’s just stupid. We’re already literally doing this. Why in the fuck would you go and do this? And it wasn’t until January again, he took that vow on November 21st. It was January. I, I used Ethan’s Instagram. To message Jared to ask them if they’d ever been sexual because it just did not add up to me by now. Ethan was trying to say, remember at first, Ethan said he had only met Jared that first time on October 30th when I discovered him through the phone locator.
Then he changed it to [00:43:00] two, three times. Eventually, he moved it back to really, they hung out. They started hanging out in September long before October, and they hung out four times and that they didn’t necessarily message every day. And I, and I told E Ethan, I said, all right, I messaged Jared, are you sure that you, there’s nothing you want to tell me now By now, Ethan’s parents had had to come to town because he had drunk himself into this stupor, shaking and dribbling and shit.
And I wasn’t sure if he was gonna have a fucking stroke, you know? He, you know, it’s just so, so crazy. These narcissistic people, especially these covert ones, will go and do all of this dumb shit. Then when the hammer starts to fall on them, can’t face the judgment. And then when, in his case could crawl into cheap bottles of vodka and I mean cheap, you know, I would walk into his house, these huge plastic bo leaders, plastic whatever’s down there on the bottom shelf [00:44:00] beneath Skol.
That’s the ch, that’s the gasoline that he’s up there drinking because he can’t deal with the fact that our relationship is crumbling because of some shit that he’s done. His parents doesn’t have to come to town that to check on him. And everything. His mom and I are trying to talk through this with Ethan, and I’m still trying to find out a way to help Ethan.
You know, I’m like, let me get the mic. Let me get the lens off of me and put it on him. You know, I’m at my best when I’m helping someone else, and so I said, maybe if I can just stop worrying about myself and see what he needs here, you know that that’s what I started to do when I first discovered all of this treachery back in October, but all Ethan did was take it for granted and lie to my face the whole time.
Now we’re in Ethan’s house and his mom is asking him for the truth. Ethan’s lions to his mom too. His dad, you don’t give a fuck. At least the fuck boy had enough integrity to tell the damn truth. [00:45:00]Granted the fuck, boy didn’t necessarily know that he was talking to a whole family of people, so maybe he would’ve lied too.
I don’t know. But I asked Ethan, I said, Jared is about to respond to this. Are you sure? There’s nothing you want to tell us? Is this the truth? Ethan is sticking to his lie. He’s like, no, I never had sex with Jared. Never, never, never, never, never. Rubbish all of it. And that’s when Jared responds. Yeah, we fucked around in college.
Couple of times, . Okay? And the, the, the, the hurricane and the storm ensued from there. Hmm.
I don’t think Ethan had seen that movie as the thin line between Love and Hate.
All, all I’m gonna tell y’all for right now is that it is, and that I did what I did.
So[00:46:00]
oh, thank God. I can laugh about this now. Ooh, Jesus. What a deliver. further insulting, not to me, but to Ethan, is just how tragic and trifling these fuck boys are. You know, when I was out there trolling social media, I found, you know, Jared he, you know, his other fuck boy of Ethan’s, you know, they’d be like, on unlike Facebook begging people from money and shit, you know,
you know, begging people for money,
And I’m like, okay. I had Ethan on first class flights to places, you know, that I paid for. I had him a whole wardrobe and shit that I paid for. You know, I furnished his, his house mostly, you know, we had [00:47:00] plans to go on, on cruises to go to the Orient. He has a passport. He’s never fucking used. I had plans to change that, you know, you know, to take him, you know, more places.
Once I found out about, you know, Jared, I canceled every fucking trip. Every fucking trip. You know, that was devastating enough when I, when I looked on there and saw that he was over at that boy’s house, it’s like my heart fell through the core of the earth. And I called Ethan and I told him like, you’re hurting me.
Didn’t give a fuck. He stayed over there at least good an hour and a half, just smoking weed and doing whatever. So I said, okay, you just going. Chill. You just gonna like Netflix and chill with some, with some dude that I, that I don’t know exists. And this is totally okay with you, so, okay. Okay. Okay. [00:48:00] I, I, I, I, I, I, I did some things.
I did some things. I did some things. But this is, this is like the low quality of people. How in the hell are you going to run around behind the back of one such as myself? I don’t usually toot my own horn, but I’m gonna say I did a hell of ala for this boy. It was my priority in life to enhance him, to do what I can, to uplift him and elevate him and to bring him up.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a plant that I’m growing a chicken, I’m raising a cat or whatever, whoever and whatever I have some sort of influence on, I need to see that they can do better. I need them to evolve. I need them to grow. And but all Ethan did was interpret that as control. He called me controlling so much, said I didn’t want him to have friends.
I mean, he, he, he, he, he kept talking to me like I was his enemy. And I kept asking him like, please don’t [00:49:00] make me your enemy. Oh, well, he made me his enemy. Well, if he wants to take any trips now, perhaps he can go back on Grindr and get a one-way ticket to someone’s bedroom because that’s about all the fuck he’s going to get.
And speaking of Grindr and shit, y’all, let me warn you in my research of all of this, the, these apps use, I believe that they use this thing that I discover that’s called a, a variable ratio. Reinforcement is something like what casinos use, where you where every now and then you’ll win or you’ll hear.
You hear a sound that is, you know, a special tune or a special note tailored a certain way to inspire excitement from your, or anticipation. You don’t know when it’s gonna happen, but you know, if you keep at it, eventually something will happen. This is why people sit in front of the slot machines are saying, the casino for hours, hell, I’ve done it.
Wouldn’t that bitch eight [00:50:00] o’clock at night come out at noon the next day? Be like, where the fuck did the time go? How long we been in this motherfucker? ? Okay. Okay. You know, all them apps are no damn different. I, I don’t think most of you would care to actually tally how much time you spend on Grindr, , you know, or jacked or scruff, or whatever the fuck the case may be.
I’ve done it. But this variable ratio reinforcement is like an algorithm or a way that those apps are designed to create addiction and to make you be addicted to them. In my research, myself included, many people have reached out to Grindr and these apps to try to get them to ban us from them so that we stop using them.
I’m here to let you know that they, they’re, they are, I’m gonna say they’re less than transparent about whether they can do that or not, or whether they want to. I mean, I don’t really think, I mean, they have to, the [00:51:00] billions that have been made are not enough. They still need more , so they’re not really trying to let us go, you know, it would seem, but be careful of that, and I encourage y’all to research that variable ratio reinforcement because that shit is real.
And don’t let these apps and, and all of this shit like destroy your life. You know, I, I was reading an article that guy who created grinders after he got, came out of hiding or whatever, he hasn’t started a fucking breakdown, has, has creators, areas working on creating some sort of healthy, alt alternative to Grindr.
That’s because he knows what his creation done, done to people. , okay? This is a serious thing. It’s a very, very serious, but this episode is not about grinder. God knows I’m gonna do a whole episode about that. But suffice it to say, bitch, don’t nothing take the place of meeting someone in person. Nothing takes the quality out of meeting someone in person.[00:52:00]
I was mentioning earlier how these men, especially tops, because, you know, I’m usually submissive and I, I like a man to be able to look me in his eye and say, what the fuck he wants . Okay. You know, I speak that language when I was in a relationship, I would just be like, can I get me some dick tonight? Let, let’s get to the point.
I mean, I, I could, I could be flirty and more like sensual with it, but you know, I like it rough. I like it . I like it aggressive and that shit turns me on. And so I get that’s not everybody’s personality, but you still should be able to like state what you want my nephew, you know? Okay. Yeah. Both of my siblings have sons now, so it’s impossible you to tell which ones I’m talking about, but, but one of my nephews, and they were younger instead of coming to me when they would be hungry and just be like, uncle Dev, I’m hungry.
Can you please fix me some food? Hand me the box of cereal or whatever the fuck [00:53:00] you know. They would come and be like rubbing their stomach and shit and be like, my tummy hurts. Hmm. Okay. You old enough to talk? , you could just tell me you’re hungry. You don’t have to like beat around the bush or drop subtle hints and shit.
So I saw this bitch assness creeping up in my nephew and I told him, look, your ass gonna starve unless you can just tell me what you want. Cause I didn’t want him growing up to be one of these HOAs dudes who think people just supposed to follow them and do shit for them. And you know, they don’t have to just tell the world what they want.
Like the world is supposed to interpret their signals. No, it is our responsibility to make people understand us and to make people believe us and then make people get what we’re trying to say. And just like that I broke him that he never did that shit again. The next [00:54:00] time he was hungry he just said, uncle Def, could I please have some food?
Absolutely. . Glad we had this conversation kiddo. Good talk. So, but these damn tops can’t ask me for ass. They my, my, my, my boy, my ex-boyfriend couldn’t I, but I was so, I was so willing to work with him. I was like, do we need, do you need to send me a text? I wasn’t being sarcastic or mean. I was like, okay, if this is where we have to start, this is where we have to start.
Do you need to send me a text to get this started? , this is after a half a decade. He still couldn’t ask me for sex. Now you ask him, he gonna have all his reasons because he gonna say, because he tried years ago and I shot him down. What? He came at me wrong. But what he would do is internalize one or two or three negative things.
Act like that’s gonna be the standard, and use that to justify his inactivity today. You know, because it gave him something to [00:55:00] argue with me over. I’m like, it’s been years since that shit has happened. Okay. You, you, you can just drop that or let it go. And I told him, when somebody first do you something true, it’s on them.
But if it’s been all this time that has passed and you still talking about that? No. It’s just you being a bitter bitch, you don’t wanna let it go. Uhuh . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . And so, so I was in like port of era till like, back in December and over there being the good boyfriend and not getting no dick, although they was trying hard to throw it at me.
Well, they was trying to be tricky about it and shit. So the club was getting ready to close and I was hanging out with these two dudes I had ran into and, and sh I was feeling myself. The shirt was off, I was twirling about, but I have always been one who loved the dance floor. , when I’m on a dance floor, I’m not really trying to talk to men.
Y’all sasses need the weight . [00:56:00] Okay. Because I’m all about getting dipped down, but not while I’m twirling Uhuh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No. And so I’m dancing and the club’s getting ready to close. And these two guys I ran into and we had just, I guess, just started hanging out. I’m not, I wasn’t trying to fuck because I was trying to like, you know, be faithful and you know, and communicating.
And my partner and I had not worked out how we were gonna be open. And I was pausing that, you know, and I just said no. I could have reached out to my ex to ask him for an exception, but I wanted to demonstrate that I was putting him first, even though I had many options in front of me. And I communicated that to him while I was yen in Mexico.
But these dudes who wanted to fuck, couldn’t ask me. They were like, what they did was like, they took out their phones and they were on Grinder, and they made it a point so that I could see that they were on grinder. And I guess the whole way that this is supposed to go is if everybody takes their phone out, [00:57:00] I’m, I’m standing right next to them.
If, if everyone takes their phone out and everyone’s on Grindr, then I guess somebody’s supposed to say, well, hey, we’re all on Grindr, so maybe we can all go fuck or whatever.
You’re tapping me on the shoulder and being like, the show, the, the, the club’s closing. So we’re leaving now. Wink, wink and Grindr on my phone is not going to make it so that you can cut these cakes, honey, you to come out better. Just being like, bitch, let’s fuck. Like, that’s, that’s, that’s, that’s more like to the point, , you know, than.
Then acting like my little nephew did, dropping hints and shit like that. I don’t respect it. It turns me the fuck off. And it does not communicate to me that once you get me, wherever it is you’re trying to get me, that you can actually dominate me. Like, I’m gonna want you to . So, because if you, you can’t [00:58:00] even like say what you want, how the hell you going to do what I want?
Okay. . So , so I think about Madonna’s song Love Profusion. I don’t care how weak people try to say, I think that was on the American Life album. That, that, that, that, that every song on that album, Ray of Light American, American Life, all of that gave me absolute life. My, my, my quote from Love Perfusion was when Madonna was talking about there are too many options.
There is no consolation. Okay? We don’t need every man in the square on Grindr. We don’t need to be sleeping with, you know, all of those different people a week. You know, if you have to have that much sex with that many different people, and [00:59:00] I’ve been there before when I was in the military, two to five different men a week was no, was, no was nothing.
You know, I could easily do that. You know? What was I 18 living in Tucson, Arizona. I wasn’t old enough to go anywhere with no gay bars. There was one club I could go to on Thursday nights, which was deviate. Other than that, it was Desert Rays I’m serving during Don’t asks. Don’t tell ’em. These are not excuses.
I’m just telling you. I had issues that I should have been in front of a counselor dealing with, rather than on gay.com trying to fuck. I had, I was sleeping with that many men on on gate.com when you had to print out directions and go, can you imagine what ahoe? I would’ve been at the age of 18 in the military, in a college town with, with apps at my disposal.
Sweet Jesus
I’d have no asshole left. God, [01:00:00] there are people now with the same, you know, dad issue that I had. You know, whatever their version of that is, who do have all of these apps at their disposal, and we live in a world that it seems like no matter what the hell you do sexually, they just call it sex positive.
And just go on with that. No bitch. Sex positivity is balanced, respectful, respectful to yourself and to others’ approach to exploring your sexual nature. That doesn’t mean as much as you want to do, however much of it you wanna do in whatever way you wanna do it. It’s all good as long as you’re not raping somebody.
No, . I need y’all to mature beyond that thinking and but Madonna hit it on the head. There are too many options and it seems like no matter how many fucking options people get, the more unhappy they become. I have never met so many people who are like in between 20 and 40 who have cars, houses, fuck [01:01:00] boys fuck girls, drugs, alcohol trips and travel who are depressed have anxiety.
I’m like, what the fuck do y’all want? Is like one thing that’s fucking you up is that damn social media. I believe that social media promotes low self-esteem, and I thank God that I’m really only on there for my businesses to tell people whatever I, you know, I’ve written or whatever show, whatever the hell.
You know, my ex used to just flip through Instagram, flip through Instagram, flip through Instagram. He’s full of in insecurity issues, super need for validation. I would tell him like watching hot men on Instagram and shit ain’t gonna help you listening to whatever the fuck they’re saying on Instagram’s not gonna help you.
The attention span is already short, so going from real to real is not going to help you. There’s a damn 80 fucking Riri Adderall shortage now, and I didn’t [01:02:00] know this many damn people needed this just to remember to like pay bills and shit. I’m not judging you for your mental health issues or for needing the drugs or none of that.
What I am saying is social media is not your friend . Okay? You are never gonna get far in life if you’re watching other people live their own life, okay? It’s okay to pop in every now and then and be entertained, but I couldn’t, we’d be hanging out and I would be trying to tell my ex, Hey, can we talk about something?
He’d very angrily put his phone down and be like, talk about what? Okay. We watched that documentary on Netflix about that. Can’t remember what the fuck it’s called, but they did it D about that social media shit, which is a warning. And there were people in there being angry. That damn movie that came out, Megan, about that crazy ass fucking doll.
I didn’t think that movie was bloody enough. Way more people should have got their sasses slaughtered. But that dog could dance though. I would [01:03:00] give Megan this, that bitch can pick me up and go to the club bitch. But Same thing. That little girl in the movie was strung out on that doll. It’s like God is speaking to us through movies and shows and television.
It’s not just entertainment. These things are inspired by real life to reflect real life back to us. I really couldn’t get ever get my ex on board with this cuz I would like to have deep conversations about the meaning of the things that we would watch and how it relates to us. It was all too deep for him.
He felt personally attacked and it was like, you know what? Because he wants to live on the surface. He didn’t wanna look deep cause he didn’t have to face himself. He’d rather alternate realities. But I’m just summing up to say this, be careful with that damn social media. That shit was still your life.
It’s a, it can fuck up your mind. It can make you feel more insecure than what you already do. You know, my quote on this is that options are the illusion of freedom [01:04:00] to be careful with that. Again, options, baby. are the illusion of freedom.
I, like I said earlier, I had warned my ex about his oversexualized nature years ago. He deflected it, of course it was everyone else but him. You know, and he was on that same tangent of sleeping with, you know, multiple people a week. When I met him, I didn’t judge him for it. I was like, you know what, how can I tell you?
I didn’t tell him to stop when we were still first dating and all, and, and just sorting out whatever I just said, respect me with it. I don’t need to know about it. I’ll never do that shit again. Never. Because I found some people do not know how to have a, a sexual life over here and respect people over there without it crossing over.
They, they just don’t and so,
Let me see. So Luke, I’m going back to the Bible. Luke chapter 21 in [01:05:00] verse 34 says, and take heed to your cells, at least at any time. Your hearts be overcharged with overeating and drunkenness and cares of this life, and so that they come upon you unawares.
When I think about this,
I think about a, a scene from Percy Jackson’s, Olympians and the Lightning Thief when they were in that casino thing, and then people were giving them those sweet treats or whatever in order to keep them locked in there so that they wouldn’t make it. On their journey. I think that’s the one where they were trying to take that lightning bolt back to Olympus to, to prevent the war.
It might have been the second one. I think that’s from the first one. At any rate, basically they were using something that they liked. It was like a sweet drug thing to distract them to run out the clock on them. Cause I’m gonna take this like super spiritual right now, like getting caught up [01:06:00] with pleasures in this life, overdoing it.
Kinda like on Grindr, like sometimes you’ll be on there and fuck, before you know it, your whole day is gone. The shit you meant to do, you didn’t get done. There’s all kinds of thing. It’s like a microcosm for living. Like we can’t spend all of our time try to find someone to sleep with, looking for someone to sleep with or sleeping with someone.
You know? We have to have variety in life. You know? We have to have more to show for or show for life than what whatever it is that we love on this earth the most now. God didn’t say don’t have pleasures. He just said, you know, balance it out. He wants you to love him more than you love your pleasures.
But
I don’t, I don’t what, what I see a lot of is a lot of people mainly mentioning God, like during times [01:07:00] of emergency or crisis or being very like, casual towards him. Now you not gonna have like eight hours of prayer a day or nothing like that. But it’s about like the intensity, you know, it’s about how much you mean it, you know, you’re alone time with God is the most important time.
But, you know, I don’t, you know, the, you know, the people, I’m the closest way. We, we, we, we talk spiritual talk, we speak of judgment to come and things like that. We talk about Dick too. Then we talk about drugs too, but we also talk about Jesus too. You know, my whole thing is like, Balance. You know, in this world everybody talks about experiences.
That’s a word that gets tossed around a lot. What experience do you wanna have? Experience, experience, experience. And that’s all great, but do you love your pleasures and experiences more than you love God? Are you more intense about the pursuit and enjoyment of these pleasures and pleasures of, and experiences more than you were intense about your pursuit of God?[01:08:00]
You know, do, do your pleasures cause pain and devastation to other people? You know, I mentioned earlier about Ethan fucking people when he had covid. It, it was October the 16th where he had this affair with shit. Nick, look, I, look, I’ve be getting all these fuck boys of, of Ethan’s confused child. . I had taken him Pax livid because he was, was covid positive with symptoms. And I’m sitting there concerned that he’s gonna, you know, maybe die or some shit, you know.
So I stopped my whole day to go bring him this medicine. Now mind you, we had just got back from Oregon the week before, went up there so that I could do some medically guided psilocybin and M D M A therapy to help me get over some trauma, some of which Ethan had [01:09:00] caused. But you know, and he held me in my arm through the session.
I did not know that while we were yet in Oregon, he was already in communi, he was already hanging out with, with, with, with, with Jared. Jared. And then he was he had already started to see him and he was, he was already in communication with the people he was planning to cheat on me with while we were up there.
And I flew, paid for the flight, the, the place we lived, and every fucking thing. And we come back here. He, he, he gets covid. I’m like, where in the fuck did you have gotten covid from? We saw the same people. We were around the same people, you know, tell, you know, you know, I mean, who knows who in the hell he didn’t go out and see and get this from, but on October the 16th, I go over there, bring him this pax livid around like 4:00 PM by 6:00 [01:10:00] PM I think I may have left there at 2:00 PM at 6:00 PM He wakes up from a nap.
The first person he texts is Nick, you know, or whoever the fuck I tell, I’m getting their fucking names confused now. Whoever he had the damn affair with, that’s who he, that’s who he went over the, you know, he, he did not, he did not tell him that he was covid positive, you know? I went through the messages.
There’s no talk. I went through the phone logs. There is no call, like you did not communicate this. Nobody in their right fucking mind would have somebody up to their house who’s in the middle of a covid infection. You could wait those 10 days bitch for the medicine to kick in, can’t you? Well, apparently not.
And so it just hurt more because I’m like, damn, you couldn’t have cheated on me like the day before , the day after. Why [01:11:00] did it have to be the same day that you literally saw me a few hours before I bought you medicine to keep your ass alive and a little bun bunt cake thing from nothing. Bunt cakes too, you know, to make it like cute.
I was headed to the Middle East of my 40th birthday gift to myself, and I was gonna be. in you know, in the Middle East. I did not know if I was going to show up covid positive while I was over there. I was testing myself every day, you know, enough to meet the minimum standards to be able to travel. I should have taken that Paxlovid myself, cuz that was the only prescription I could get my hands on.
I made the decision to give it to my ex to give it to Ethan, you know, cuz it would’ve, because I just didn’t wanna lose him, you know, to that disease. And I have known people who have died from Covid and he knows this. I could have gotten my ass stranded [01:12:00] in the Middle East, cuz if you take those tours and trips and you test positive they leave your ass in the hotel, you’re, you’re towards canceled in Tata
So I risk being stranded and abandoned in the Middle East to give him my medicine that I should have taken with me or began taken, and I gave it to him instead. . And on that same night, a few hours later, he goes to cheat on me and then comes home and texts me basically good night. Like he’s done nothing wrong and didn’t nothing say anything, ever, you know, until I discover it.
Then when I do discover it, he lies. When I discovered those texts, he didn’t tell me the truth. He lied, and then I just didn’t have peace about it. Look, God not gonna leave his children in the dark forever, but the Lord gave him space to repent and to tell the truth, and he chose lies [01:13:00] instead. I got into them phone logs into those text streams, and I found a two hour time gap on the night of October the 16th from roughly six 15 to like 7 45.
When I was messaging him. During this time, his iPhone messages were green and going to send his text messages rather than blue iMessages, which never happens because like I said earlier, I could never get Ethan off his phone. He don’t let his phone die. That thing is attached to him like a fucking umbilical card.
So he has that phone that happened. That’s because h his shit is off. And so once I backed him into that corner and I was in communication with Nick and Nate. That’s when he confessed. He was like, yeah, I actually did sleep with him. And then, then at first he had lied and said he deleted them. He was gone to go sleep with him.
His had his hand on the door, but he changed his mind on the night of October the 16th, and then 16th 7, 18, 19 20th, and again on the 20th or 21st? 16, [01:14:00] 7 18. Yeah, on the 20th. I’m like, okay, . I’m like, that don’t sound right. He throw the same shit to his mom and she was like, that don’t sound right. You know, bitch, it’s so much easier to tell the truth.
So, you know, that’s the pitchy teach, they teach you in kindergarten. Well, apparently Ethan wasn’t there on any of those days. And so you know, I So you wanna cheat on me cuz you’re angry and retaliating or whatever. You’re full of passive aggressiveness. Okay. Why you gotta like kill somebody else in the process that I don’t get? . And and that’s, that’s the thing with these narcissistic people, the things that they say and do and the way they think you will never get. Because unless you’re an asshole of that caliber, you can’t process and comprehend the things that they’re willing to do. Two people with no conscious about it at all.[01:15:00]
And, you know, and, and I warned him, you know, I was like, you’re out there taking these risks, you know, running off of these people. No one knows where you’re at. Look, I’ve done it too, and I tried not to. It’s not smart, yo, when you walk into somebody’s house on a hookup, you don’t know if you coming out of there and you don’t.
And he went, you know, I damn near outta town, you know, to go and meet up with this person. It was like a good 30 minute drive either way. And then he stayed with this dude like an hour and he, he’s trying to tell me they didn’t fuck, they only did oral in Frauded and fooled around, naked with, fooled around.
I’m like, well, you were with him more than 15 minutes required to give him Covid. I’m like, you haven’t checked on him or nothing. And he didn’t delete these people. They were still in his phone. He’s trying to act like he don’t know if you delete just the contact and not the text stream [01:16:00]that the information’s still there.
Boy, bye. He, I mean, the, the lies just got so stupid at some point that they were just like laughable . And again, he lied in front of, you know, Everything that is heavenly. You know, his parents, me, I’m like, oh. And not to mention the couple’s counselor too because he was sitting there in counseling when we finally did resume, not mentioning these affairs and having, you know, Jared in his life, you know, till I caught on to Jared.
Then he went there and told the counselor that Jared is nothing more than a friend. He dared to compare Jared to some of his best friends from childhood people he’s known for damn near 30 years. He’s gonna put them in the same rank as Jared. I’m like, when the fuck that your friends from back, your best friend, c o Dick, that didn’t happen, did it?
Because in, because in his sick and twisted head, he thinks that no matter how much he used to fuck with somebody, if they [01:17:00] have made it platonic, then it is platonic. But I’m like, no, you immature bastard. You don’t get to just undo crossing that boundary with somebody because it’s convenient for you. You know, you know when somebody has seen your nudity and that you’ve experienced sexual pleasure with them, that is something that is done.
You can’t undo that. And they’re not like your best friends that you grew up with, that you play video games with. But he sat there and argued and lied to, to the counselor in every damn thing, you know, super drama queen. And yet he used to tell me that I was extra, I, I am, but not to the detriment of somebody else.
And I warned him like, about all of this risky behavior. I’m like, I’ve been to a lot of funerals, but most of them have been for people in between like 20 and 40 years old. It’s not old people I’m met. Covid shifted that a lot, but generally speaking, it was young people’s funerals that I was going to not old people, , you know?
And [01:18:00] I, and I, I warn him about that. He thinks he’s invincible and shit can’t happen to him. Okay. Okay.
Hmm. So this is a caution. Luke 21 and 34 is a caution about,
you know, the way that we’re living.
Because, because just, you know, cause Ethan would, you know, would just, he automatically assumes that he has to live to get old. I won’t spend too much time talking about his negative attitude because he, he would have this thing like he was thinking I, like he can only have fun in his twenties and once he turns thirties downhill.
And I said, where did you get that from? Why do you believe that? And he’d get angry and he’d be like, I don’t know. Because he, he, because he just didn’t want to think about it, why he believed what he believed. I’m like, you realize that much of what you think has been given to you [01:19:00] by other people and you can’t even render a reason as to these very negative and pessimistic views that you have.
You know? So he was not looking forward to getting older. I’m like I’m 40 and I feel 19 damn near looking too, especially when I don’t have this colorful as beard on. And No, my life’s only gonna get better from here. It’s like things are gonna improve and I’m looking forward to it. He was not like that at all.
And so these are things I didn’t know about him, and he didn’t begin to say until we had been together for half a decade. You know, he hid himself well, but you know, everything has to come out. I’ll be like, but, you know, wanna warn people. You don’t have to be old to die. The world does not have to come to a, you know you know, you know, you know, to, to,[01:20:00]
you know, you’re not guaranteed to live out your days or to see the end of the world or anything like that. You know, some people, you know, wanna believe that no matter how they live in this life, that they’re gonna be reincarnated and come back as a butterfly or a giraffe, or whatever the case may be.
You know, there’s, there. I don’t believe in reincarnation. It, it is just interesting to me because certain spiritual circle circles talk about ancestors and reincarnation. I’m like, every dead person who I know, who I had a, a bond to, still speaks to me like in spirit form, being in dreams or whatever.
They can’t be both reincarnated and operating from the other plane of existence at the same time, I’m telling you what I, based on what I know [01:21:00] now, it’s all rosy sounding to say, oh, well no matter how I live or whatever, I can just come back and have a second chance and a third and a fourth chance. I’ve heard it said, well, you just keep getting reincarnated and hell, you get it right.
Okay, but how do we prove that? You know, that’s a very risky thing to, to, to, to assume that that’s going to happen and you come up wrong. You know, I’m, I’m advising you to live right the first time cuz you don’t wanna depart this plane of existence. Haven’t done all this fucked up shit and have it not bothered to get close to God because this life determines your afterlife.
And I mean
Let me think then I think about how people get, like take, take different psychedelics and getting altered states of mine and they say they speak with ancestors or, and, [01:22:00] and everything like that. I find that to. More believable than a reincarnation because a dream state is still an alter state of mine.
Your psychedelics are putting you in that. I speak to my ancestors and my dreams a lot. The only thing that you know, I think about is, you know, we always have to be verifying that whatever’s talking to us is not a false spirit, cuz they can come dressed in disguise as a great many things. I’ve had like waking visions in my life that were not true visions that were given to me by the devil, you know?
But it presented the same way that a true vision from God came to me. But it lacked, it lacked that spirit of life, you know, that only, that only God can present. But you know, the devil is the father of lies, you know. And so we have to be, be careful about what we believe and why we believe. So, if you’re gonna take the reincarnation route, or, or if you believe that this is one and [01:23:00] done, just be mindful of it and pay attention to why you believe what you believe.
But do not labor under the delusion that you have to live to see 50 or 100, or that you’re gonna be here until the world ends or whatever. Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t accord until yourself time that that has not been granted to you yet. And so what makes me think of this is, you know, because, you know, Ethan was like, you know, I’m in my twenties and I’m just gonna be as wild as I can.
You know, I need to have more sex. You know, that fool. Read through my memoir, you know, read through my memoir. And basically what he got out of it was that I had had more sex than him. You know, like more orgies. I’m like, you read it wrong. I used to deliver drugs to orgies my dear. I did not stay for them.
You know, I had like a few sex scenes in there, but still his takeaway was that I had had more sexual experiences. [01:24:00] I’m like, you don’t think you’ve done enough? You in terms of like sex by now, you know, this fool hadn’t had sex with like married men and shit like that and did not give a fuck about being an adulterer.
I’m all like how in the hell do you read through a memoir like mine and get that out of it? The whole book is a warning to not go and do the shit that I did, not to want to go and do it. You know, I couldn’t talk sense into that fool for trying . Some people just gonna be fucking dumb and so,
For those of you not watching the YouTube video that sounds is me hitting my, my own self upside to head for being, for just trying to work with such stupidity for so damn long.
So, so let’s be spiritually mindful cuz remember, Satan desires to distract you, who must make you fearful that there’s so much fear. Cause God, my God, has not given you a [01:25:00] spirit of fear that didn’t come from God, that came from the devil. God has given you a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And you, you, the only way you can break that fear, you better get close to God. So you can, you can break that fear from off your life. And and then the devil wants to make you think more of yourself than you ought to, and less of God than you should. I don’t believe I have all the answers within me.
You’ll never hear me say I’m sending out something to the universe or nothing like that. I am not afraid to have a, to, to believe in God and, and make it personal. The universe is not big enough. I’m not throwing shade at those of you who do many of my friends worship the universe or look to the universe for, or whatever the fuck the case may be.
Hey, that’s you. I’m happy that we can all come together and hang out and have our martinis. Like I say, I’ll be friends with somebody who sucks Satan’s dick and just don’t, just don’t hurt me. Look, none of my enemies. None of my enemies, and [01:26:00] I got a lot of them, you know, have done me half of the ho actually, they haven’t been able to do anything to me at all.
You know, they have not hurt me the way my ex has, you know, so I don’t mind, you know, hanging out with people with different mentalities. I can only speak. , you know, from my own. But be careful with that. You know, thinking more you know of yourself than you ought to. I love leaning and depending on God, because it takes the burden off of me.
I don’t have every fucking answer. You know, he does, and I don’t see everything, but he does. And when the time is right, he reveals things to me, you know,
you know, and, and Ethan was warned about this before, you know, dating people who have sight or vision, or who call upon the name of the Lord at all and trying to do some treachery, not gonna work. He was going to like an injury doctor or something like that years ago. And he had said it was like a Tuesday and he was supposed to go on that Tuesday and he didn’t [01:27:00] go.
And then that, that night I had a dream that he didn’t go. And the, and the, and the spirit was telling me that he did not do what he said he was gonna do and he wasn’t where he was was supposed to be. And I told him that. And he. and you know, he couldn’t understand. You know, God is trying to show you that he sees you everywhere.
So be careful what you do because it’s gonna always come out. It wasn’t so much about the damn injury, doctor was the point, but him and his defensiveness wanted to make a whole big thing out of the doctor. I’m like, dumb ass. It is not about the doctor, it’s about the fact that you cannot hide. So,
I’m gonna go ahead and stop this for just right now. I’m gonna do a second episode on this because there’s more that I want to say. Not too much more, but [01:28:00] then again, I’m gonna be doing a whole other episode with somebody else just on narcissism and not specifically, you know, just my experience, but theirs too, because this is like, prevalent.
This is so fucking prevalent. And then we’ll get into all statistics and things like that. So thank y’all for, for listening to this first part. I really feel a little lighter. I hope that you do too. This was not to burden anybody. Lord, excuse me. This is not the burden anybody. I’m not one, I don’t, I don’t believe in venting.
I don’t like to vent. I’m not judging those of you who do, but be careful if you do that. There’s some sort of productive thing that comes out of it, like a plan, not just. Running around to tell people your problems, cuz you want people to hear your problems. You know? Then that was one of the reasons why I was reluctant to do this.
This is the first thing that has happened to my [01:29:00] life in a long time, where I’ve reached out to friends and told them, because I like to take my problems to the Lord. What’s the point of praying and being close to God? And when you have issues, every time you gotta go run to a friend, you know, you know, my, my dependency is first on God.
I get, I’m physical and in this physical form and I have, and I can rely on my friends, but I should be going to God first. This here hit me so hard that it shook me enough for me to need to actually talk to somebody. You know? The only other things that have done this to me in my life has been when I got H I v and you know, when I was homeless, you know, you know, you know, and in and out of jail and stuff like that.
When my dad had his affair, . And when Nico did all of that stuff to me back in high school, this here is one of like the top, top, you know, th you know, the traumas of my entire life. That’s how serious [01:30:00] this, this is. Well was shit. We getting past this shit now. But so anyway, I did you know that this is not meant to be a burden on upon you all.
And, and please reach out to me if you’re going through this baby. You’re not alone. You are not alone. The website is sex, drugs and jesus.com and the email is devon s dj podcast.com and all of this will go on the show notes. I love you all so much. I look forward to my continued journey with you together.
