INTRODUCTION:
In this episode I give you an unanticipated update about my healing from my breakup with a narcissist and how Dungeons & Dragons inspired me to write a journal entry in this same regard. I know weird right? #ILIVEFORTHIS
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· The Benefits Of Writing & Journaling
· Stop Following Behind The Narcissist
· God Speaks Through Movies
· KARMA Is Real
· Why Argue? Just why though?????
· Reprobate Minds
· Spiritual Understanding
· There Are No Secrets
· Relationship Burden Must Be Borne By ALL
· Give Yourself Some Kudos
CONNECT WITH DE’VANNON:
Website: https://www.SexDrugsAndJesus.com
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Email: DeVannon@SDJPodcast.com
DE’VANNON’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
o https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370
o TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
· OverviewBible (Jeffrey Kranz)
o https://www.youtube.com/c/OverviewBible
· Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed (Documentary)
· Leaving Hillsong Podcast With Tanya Levin
o https://leavinghillsong.podbean.com
· Upwork: https://www.upwork.com
· FreeUp: https://freeup.net
VETERAN’S SERVICE ORGANIZATIONS
· Disabled American Veterans (DAV): https://www.dav.org
· American Legion: https://www.legion.org
· What The World Needs Now (Dionne Warwick): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfHAs9cdTqg
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TRANSCRIPT:
Solo Dolo: Heartbreak Update + $925.56 Of Unpaid Debt + Dungeons & Dragons
De’Vannon: [00:00:00] Hello, hello, hello everyone and welcome back to the Sex Drugs in Jesus podcast. I’m your host Devan and Hubert, and I’m here with an update today about how I’m feeling dealing with this breakup. And we’re gonna talk a little bit about journaling and ironically enough, Dungeons and Dragons as well. So
Yeah, then I have my trustee and I guess a little bit crusty Red Journal here. As you can see, I’ve had this thing since 2013. So you know, I think she’s holding up pretty fucking good if I do say so myself. So I, so me and me and me and this new friend of mine, his name is land. Beautiful man, beautiful soul, beautiful [00:01:00] heart.
We went to go see Dungeons and Dragons the other day, and let me see, I wrote this on April the third, so I think we went to go see this on Monday. I hadn’t journaled in like a while. While, and I, when I got home, I sat down and took a few hours to, to write about the way this movie this movie had inspired me Journaling is one of those things that’s super healing in a, in a, in a very unique and strange way. There is a connection between the, the mind, the brain, and writing things physically down, not taking notes and whatever electronic device you have is not the same. It’s like in hypnotherapy, I learned, you know, when we would have a client come in or, or something like that, we would have them write physically with, you know, like, like a pen, a [00:02:00] pencil, something like that, right Out what, whatever it would be in cursive.
And we could tell so much about, you know, a client before they even said anything, just by getting a writing sample from them. I think, if I’m not mistaken, it had to be in 10. I don’t know if they could use pencil. It was one or the other. Don’t quote me on that, but but there’s something about writing it just, I was almost like, you, you know, you’re putting your, your soul down on paper.
That’s why, you know, you know, you can be tracked like by your handwriting. You know, handwriting specialist can tell is really your signature. If you really wrote this, you know, writing is like, kind of like a d n A as, as a technology. Age moves on and people write less and less and less physically with their hands, right?
Less and less, you know, in schools you would’ve electronics, you know, over the place. Now who even needs a pen or a pencil anymore? You know, but we’re, but we’re losing a part of our, [00:03:00]our soul. Okay, by not getting back to the basics of just putting a a pen to paper, there’s a lot to it. And journaling helps you to get your, your soul down on paper.
It helps to alleviate weight off the brain. Cuz it’s like, once you, for me, once I take it outta my head and put it on paper, it just helps, it just helps me to feel like maybe like this journal is helping to, to, to shoulder some of this burden for me. It’s like my, it’s like my little helper buddy. So,
so I’ll just start reading it and we’ll just see how this thing goes. And, and overall, just, just so you kind of know a little bit of what’s coming, it felt like, it felt like God was speaking to me through [00:04:00]this movie and particularly, This relationship that I just had to, to end and get away from so I wouldn’t lose, you know, my mind completely.
And I’ve been preaching this for years, you know, you know, God speaks to us in many different ways, you know, through movies, through shows, through television. And I really, really wish people would, would watch them, you know, for entertainment. Sure. But then also consider, you know, what are the real life implications here?
What are the spiritual implications here? Are there any afterlife indications here? You know, that way, that way we’re really gleaning from every experience that we have, all the theories to it, other than, whoa, that was tingling. It made my my flesh feel good for a moment. You know, what can we actually learn here and do something with on a more perpetual basis?
And so I try to look beneath the surface in most things. Let me see here [00:05:00] today. Today I sent what I considered to be the final communications between me and the ex. In these messages, I berated him for failing to honor his word in terms of payments slash reparations. Okay, so let me explain to you what this is.
I already had a running tally of, of money that, like I said, we’ll just call him Ethan owed me this tally started that morning that we got back from New Orleans. You know, and his drunk ass, you know, took an Uber all the way from New Orleans back to Baton Rouge. That’s like pretty much like at least an hour, because he was, you know, in that state of mind, come back to my house.
He ends up hitting my car with his car, you know, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And so, And so begins the tally, you know, him paying me back, you know, for [00:06:00] all these things. That’s the same morning I found out about you know, him and his secret fuck boy he’s running around with and getting smoking weed with because, you know, he pretty much left here from hitting my car to go over and hang out with his secret fuck, fuck friend.
Okay. And and and so I started like a running, like iPhone shared note and then as, as time goes on and I started learning more about his lies and his hoing around and everything like that, you know, I i’s added more to it. I was like, you know, $500 ho fee or whatever the case may be. You know, trying to like find a way to balance it out.
Did I ever really expect him to fulfill his word and do it? [00:07:00] Nah, not really. But if he, if there was ever gonna be a chance or a shot that, that, that, that, boy, you know, that, that that foolish boy would’ve ever been able to stay in my life, it would’ve had to cost him dearly. You know? And one thing I know, you know, pretty much every human likes money, you know, and they will stake, you know, people will try a lot harder to, and be more consistent going to work and making money, you know, than they will with, you know, like being that consistent in that dedicated to their significant relationships, supposedly significant relationships.
And so, like, people will be late, they go meet their friends or to, to be anywhere, but they won’t be late to go. To a place of employment that’s gonna pay them. And then you got some people who are late to work all the time. But you know, if you, if they’re late for work all the time, then they’re [00:08:00] also gonna be late for their friends and late to church and every damn where else to go.
And they’re just late across the board. But when I can evaluate you and see that you’re just late for me and not when you go over here and over there, but then this is something that, this is a way that you’re disrespecting me. Cuz it’s not that you’re just late all the time, it’s just over here, you know?
So, and some might look at the list of charges that I levied against him and hell let me, let me just pull the damn list up. You know, I done said everything else at this point in my life. And if it’s not being stated, you know, It’ll be written. So yeah, it was like, you know, $775 for the car, another 380, 4 [00:09:00] 90 for the rental car.
You know, 1 7 23, 500 bucks for yet another lie. How long he was with the fuckboy? You know, first he lied and said he had just met them and they hung out one time. Then he said, oh, well really it’s two. Oh, nevermind. Actually it was four times we started hanging out. You know, we’ve been hanging out basically since September and Really, oh, we, we used to sleep around in college.
You know, my blood pressure was so damn high dealing with this nonsense. I don’t have high blood pressure. My blood pressure be like one 15 over like, I don’t know, 90 or some shit. This is not a plague. I got problems, but blood pressure ain’t supposed to be one of ’em, so I had to go buy blood pressure machine.
And that cause is on here.
I wanted to read that. I said $500 for yet another lie, [00:10:00] how long you were with the fuckboy. Plus aggressively manipulating and attempting to reinforce your lies, which have been at least nine lies, and most of which have been told in the past two weeks from the 7th of January. Even as I, in good faith, tried to trust Ethan and move forward,
even though he had told those lies and everything, I still tried to work with him. I tried to go over there and everything, and his fool just kept lying. I added $225 for appointments with the the counselor, the couple’s counselor, which he went and lied. I was like, I’ve wasted my time, money, gas for you to come here and gaslight and lie, manipulate to not just me, but the therapist too.
This like this. May as well have not as happened. And
so basically when it was all said and done, the last payment I got was on the 2nd of March [00:11:00]for $200, which left Ethan with a balance of 9 25 56. So basically it’s like he decided he is not going to pay for being ahoe and for line. Okay.
That’s his choice. I just wanted, I just wanted to.
To for y’all to get an idea of this. And so he knew what knew what all of this was written down. This wasn’t a secret, and it’s something that he also agreed to. If he didn’t want to do this, then he should not have agreed to do it. If he changed his mind about it, then he should have reached out to me in law, levied his case and said, here is such and such, and this throughout the course of our relationship, he never could.
He would sit there and agree to [00:12:00] something and then decide that he was averse to it, and then not come and tell me and then go off and do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. And when I began to track this consistently in him, I told him like, you’re acting like you wanna be single. You can go and have that life.
I made it so easy for him. I was like, if you want to go out there and sleep with people and not tell anyone where you’re going, There are people out there who want that sort of open relationship, that don’t care for transparency, who don’t want to know. I ain’t one of those people, you know, I wasn’t like, don’t go and do, but since what you’re doing could affect my health, I need to know.
And you haven’t demonstrated that you conduct yourself responsibly in terms of the health angle, you know, when you’re out there doing these things. And so then I told him all that and he was all like, no, I don’t wanna be single. But you keep acting like you wanna be single something with narcissistic people.
Their words don’t mean how they sound their life and what they do. Don’t add up to what they say. [00:13:00] You know? You know, if you want to go be a hogo, be a ho. You know, nobody’s stopping you from doing that, but you’re not gonna have me sitting in here, you know, with one set of facts and you have another set of facts.
I think they get off on the secrecy of it all. But in the Bible it tells us that the Lord laughs at such people like this because he sees that their day is coming. You know,
Like I stated, there was a, you know, I didn’t know if we were still gonna be able to be friends or not. Throughout the month of January and a portion of February, I tried to hang out with the ex and and it just never felt right. There was still. So much anger for me, so much it is stress from him. We still can hang out one time without some sort of argument or whatever.
Now that he’s outta my life, there’s nobody else that I argue with. [00:14:00] I refuse to have arguments and fights with people over what we have too many blessings and I mean, we can get up, stand on our own two feet. Most of us. We can talk, communicate, we can travel, we can explore sexually, we can make money, we can lose money, we can have hope that we can gain back and that’s gonna be all right, or whatever the problem may be.
You know, we, we have a lot of options. When I was in the military, I used to go and hang out. I used to go and hang out with kids in the hospitals who had cancer, teenagers in hospital who had cancer, who should be out exploring life and doing things. And instead, they literally can’t leave their room.
You know, because of something that’s no fault of their own, you know, we, we have no reason to be sitting around arguing, you know, but where does arguing come from? People wanting to control people. People not able to [00:15:00] express themselves properly. People of all kind of hell and confusion, you know, up in them.
You know, you ever just feel just drained and tired and worn out after an argument because that, that spirit is not of God. And we all know that, that, that the devil comes not but for it to steal and to kill and to destroy. And so if you’ve done anything and you just feel like, just ghosted and ravaged and drained by it, you might not want to do that anymore, or, you know, or work on, on skills to help you do it a lot less until you don’t do it anymore.
And so I had all kinds of like, anatomical reactions to this stress I had like this weird. It felt like a moving, trembling all over my body. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Asked the, asked the Department of Veterans Affairs for a new therapist to help me with this, which they still haven’t done.
And so child waiting, waiting on the VA to help you with mental health or really anything is, is dicey. Sometimes you gotta get out [00:16:00] and just go do it yourself. And so, so the last text that I got back from Ethan was, you know, if your new therapist, it can help you work through this, then that will be good.
I’m sorry this has affected you. So after almost five years, this is the surface level sort of responses that I would get from him, you know, and I’m thankful that I’m no longer waiting for him to arrive for that relationship because he never did. You see how non-committal his response is? I’m sorry this has affected you.
So, but not, there’s no ownership in that. He’s looking at the thing that happened to me as though it’s apart from him. You know, he’s looking at his cheating, his manipulation, his opening me up to diseases and things like that as something that is over there somewhere. You know, I’m sorry that that thing happened to you.
Not that I did this to you. [00:17:00] You know, he could not say what he wanted or to have any sort of like, accountability, but he just thought of himself all the time. You know, I’m sorry, this has affected you. So, until the other day, you know, I responded. I didn’t respond to that. I just, I hadn’t heard from him in a month.
I said that I, I can see that you have decided to cease payments since I have not received anything since three, two. I sent this on April the third. Nor heard from you in any way. This is yet another broken vow on your part from which you will not be released. You know, we can’t go around making promises to people and then thinking we can just disappear.
You know, like, like without explanation. Like, that’s not gonna catch back up to us. You know, spiritually speaking, I’m not about to go fuck up his house, [00:18:00] car life or nothing like that. That will happen to him anyway. And so I said, since you have decided to take this route, there isn’t anything left between us.
I am not your friend. Whatever connections were between us are permanently broken. Things have to be stated. You know, you know, you break up with somebody that, that closure in some way. Like, are you gonna be friends? Are you not gonna be friends over completely? You know, like that I didn’t know, you know, I knew enough.
To know for sure, you know, the romance, you know, gone whatever. I was the one initiating any romance between us anyway. And you know, had he acted right and, and actually paid what he was supposed to pay, I would’ve been put in a position to keep kind of like a door open cuz he would’ve done right. You know, and actually fulfilled [00:19:00] a promise.
So he could have come back to me and been like, okay, I did everything I’m supposed to do. What are the chances we could at least try to be, you know, I don’t know how soon I would’ve been able to do that, but I also at the same time, couldn’t have been like a hundred percent no, because I was still like, kind of like on the fence about that.
But, you know, you since, you know, he disrespected me through the whole relationship, lied the whole time. And then at the end made one last promise, which nobody forced you to do. And so then he said, okay, I will. And so then he changed his mind. You know, he could have, you know, he could have just said, no, I don’t feel like paying this.
But you can’t do that and still think that we’re going to be okay. You know?[00:20:00]
I didn’t like having these things unstated. Now, when I broke up with him, it was in person, but this here, I wasn’t going to pay him the honor. Of of being in my presence or spending any more time than necessary. All he all, and he didn’t even deserve a text. I did this to free me. You know, I didn’t do this for him, but I didn’t want it any kind of like confusion about exactly where we stand
now. He didn’t respond to that text. I sent another one a couple hours later cuz I needed to clarify. I said, let me be clear, I’m not waiting or actually even expecting you to do what you promised, because promises are things you don’t mind breaking and lies are things you don’t mind speaking. In March, you probably got paid three times plus whatever other income, pause, say in March.
Most people get like three checks [00:21:00] unless you’re a salaried. If you’re like hourly or every, you know, every other Friday, Thursday, whatever, then you get three check. So that’s why I say in March you probably got paid three times plus whatever other income. The last time I knew besides the, the job that, that he had or has or whatever, he also had another job as a bartender, which I also helped him get working for the same company, which I had to stop working for because the money trail could not be traced, you know, at, at this last bar that I was working at.
And it was like, you know, so I had to like, you know, walk away from there. And so so anyway, and so I said, you, you sent, I said you yet, you only sent one payment, then went silent as you gain, the more you did, less my cousin. And I will receive good for helping you get the [00:22:00] sources of income you currently have. You will reap every lie you ever told me, every broken vow, every broken promise, every bit of deception, all of your manipulations than all of your knowing and willing fakeness from the last four and a half years.
And it will be bitter. And those are the last words that I said to him because
final words have to be spoken, but what a shame for something that was, that has so much potential to be, to have to end in such a way. Although at the same time when I tell him that all of this dirt that he’s done is gonna come back to him, it’s not gonna be through me directly. You know, I’m not going to.
Go and do anything. I’m not gonna send anybody to go and do anything, you know, to him or anything like that. [00:23:00] Because I don’t want that coming back to me. When I was in the military, you know, I had dated this girl for six months, you know, and I really wasn’t straight, fully. I was still trying to like, sort myself out and figure myself out.
And I was under the influence of the church. That was, I was in the Pentecostal church in the military and just super confused about my sexuality and what it was, and what myself and several, you know, guys have done. We go and get these women, we go get girlfriends, wives, have children, and set up this whole life that we think we’re supposed to have.
This is so damaging to those women. And no, I didn’t marry her. I didn’t have kids with her and it was six months, but still I fucked her over. You know, I hurt that girl. You know, and she was there under the spell of the church too, and they got these girls sold on this pipe dream that they gotta [00:24:00]get married.
And if they don’t, it’s a problem and that they have kids. And if they don’t, it’s a problem. And it’s like, I initiated the relationship with her, the conversation and everything, but when it was over, I did not tell her, Hey, it’s officially over, it’s done. And this is why. There was none of that. I just ghosted her and just disappeared like a coward.
I didn’t do right by her and I broke her heart and and was worse as I just like kind of left her guessing about it. You know, I got my, the relationship ended months, I think months before I got, got my orders to leave. Well hell to get out of the military right. Altogether. And so The confusion the church placed upon me and all of that is not is no excuse. [00:25:00] You know, at the end of the day, you know, God says whatever you sow, you reap. Even if you don’t believe in God. Anybody who has like half a spiritual mind and contract the way they’re on life is gone can understand that everything that you send out comes back to you, however you want to describe it.
So when I tell my ex that
the dirt that he done, done is not something, he’s just gonna be able to poof, poof, be gone, he’s not gonna be able to go have a happy life. This relationship with with Ethan was the first serious one of length that I tried to have since the sense that girl in the military and all the dirt that I did to her.
Has come back to me through Ethan. So, so it, so it’s not gonna be like a time of peace. And for [00:26:00] him, he’s so rotten and tragic the way he’s done. People, I’ll say he’s done people so rotten.
Like e even e even even on his hookups and things like that. I mean, intentionally giving someone covid, you know, he’s not gonna have peace in his fuck life. He’s not gonna have peace if he ever tries to be serious with somebody. You know, at least not until, you know, cuz he is gonna have, he got a whole lot of dirt and karma that’s gonna have to come back to him, you know?
And so that is why I ended my communication with him Now, I didn’t say, you know, don’t ever talk to me again, or whatever the case may be. But my therapist have been telling me, at least for right now, that the, that the goal, like I can’t sort out anything that has to do with him what, while trying to sort out myself.
I think that that’s pretty good advice and I think I’m going to [00:27:00] follow it. Let me get back to this journal entry.
so it says, Landon and I went to go see Dungeons and Dragons. It was super great. It was a super great movie and Landon is super knowledgeable. He’s land is like a dungeon master and everything. He’s been at this a long time.
Ironically enough, the only reason I was able to meet Landon and really talk to him and befriend him is because I’m no longer with Ethan. It’s like ever since his relationship has ended, I can see the value and the benefits of it. I’ve gotten, you know, new friends, I’ve I’ve never lost touch with my friends.
I’m not one of those people who believes I’m in a relationship now, so I’m gonna do less with my friends or not talk to them or whatever. So, I will say that my bond with my friends have been strengthened, you know, [00:28:00] because of everything that Ethan did, because it’s like, it, it, it has, it has grown compassion towards me from people.
And for people that I’ve already known in a way that, that I’d never seen from them before. Ethan plays Dungeon and Dragons, you know, it was I who took him to a, to this gaming store in town in order to push him to make friends and things like that. You know, and you know, he never invited me up there to play or anything like that because he is rude like that.
But I’m saying all this to say when you lose one thing or you let one thing go, God is able to give you something better. So not only has Lane then already invited me to play, but you know, he’s gonna [00:29:00] intentionally, you know, set up things for people who are not as experienced to be able to play and learn. I’m so happy that I was able to go and see this movie with Landon.
And then we were able to have a, a, a deep conversation about what it means and what the game means and, just on like so many levels. It was peaceful energy between us and everything like that. And it was so nice to be able to go somewhere and do something without feeling like I had like a weight on my shoulder or somebody, you know, it was just so nice to enjoy this without tension.
And so now was the time I warned you about spoilers. So spoiler, spoiler alert, there will be some teething spells. If you have not seen Dungeons and Dragons then you might wanna close your ears. So in this movie, one of the main villains who was a big old bold face liar, and as I was listening to the things he said, I saw my ex in him untruthful, [00:30:00] zero con, zero conscious, a truth breaker, all that, not able to be satisfied.
One of his main lines was that, and this was towards the the end of the movie where, The villain. He, he takes this little girl and puts a knife to her, her throat and everything. And he had been lying to her for years about all kinds of stuff. And, and then, and what he said was, he said, he said he’s willing to do terrible things in order to get what he wants, even if it means hurting the people closest to him in those who care about and love him the most.
I felt like God was telling me that he sees my affliction and I felt vindicated later on. This same person tries to lie to get out of jail because his low down lying, weighs, finally caught up to him. Kind of like what’s happening with Trump right now, [00:31:00] I really, really hope and pray that this thing that we see happening with Trump in the, in the, with his indictments starting to come in.
Is, is an indication of God getting ready to, to shift his, his energies and attention towards making the narcissists in our lives pay for the things that they have done. You know, cuz they’ve, they’ve wel at ease before too long just hurting people and walking all over people and getting what they want and going home and laying down like they’ve done nothing wrong.
You know, I asked the Lord to take peace away from everybody who has taken peace away from other people.
And I’m like, but this, I, I said, and, and, and I thought, and I, I wonder if they followed my ex around to come up with this character because he is exactly like him. And Romans, [00:32:00] Romans in the Bible, Romans chapter one, speaks about people who have a reprobate mind. And people of a reprobate mind like to debate.
I’m just, just took a, a few pieces from it. They like to debate, they like deceit. It says that people would reprobate minds or without understanding. It says they’re covenant breakers, promise breakers, truth breakers. People who will say something and promise it and don’t give a damn, or they just fucking don’t do it.
You know, implacable means that no matter what you do, they’re, you’re never gonna make them happy. There’s always gonna be something wrong. A fly in the soup, on the, you know, whatever the hell the case may be murderers. And look, just because you haven’t killed somebody physically doesn’t mean that you haven’t killed them.
They’re a, you know, you killing somebody’s soul and spirit. They’re breaking their [00:33:00] mind to all forms of death, you know? And the Bible says not only. Do they
do such things, but they have pleasure in them that do them.
And so in other words,
you know, liars, you know, tend to hang out with people who don’t mind lying. They don’t
like, like it doesn’t, how can I say this better? Like, it doesn’t bother them. So like my, so like my ex and night, we were at the varsity at this club out by Louisiana State University and he comes tapping me on my shoulder telling me that this guy who he slept with before was there and wanted to have a three-way with us.
Now it would be later [00:34:00] on that he would come to tell me that this was that same married guy. Who’s running around cheating on his wife that, you know, and he wasn’t gonna tell me that that night. Well, at that point we, we didn’t have any kind of open relationship anyway, but, but when I read how people who have all of these, we’ll just call them issues, have they, they do these things and they have pleasure in them that do them.
Like, they don’t mind this. I’m like, so you don’t mind committing adultery? And you also don’t mind the fact that this person is out here running around on, on his wife. Okay. When I first started having sex again after this rape hub, then like, I like, like I’ve, like I’ve been saying, it seems like the people out here, you know, you know, in, in, in this world have just gotten worse on these apps or, you know, especially on these apps.
It’s like they just got [00:35:00] darker as though they couldn’t go any lower. I’m like one of the first people you know, married, you know, trying to, and I, and I told him, no, no. Go home to your wife. I’m like, does she know? No. She doesn’t know why. I’m like, I’m like you, you are literally out here running around, you know, having raw sex with men and then going home to your wife and you’re like, entertained by this.
And just like the ex, oh, I’m working on it, you know, telling her I’m working on leaving, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look, any, any kind of man who we, we we’re not gonna call these people, men, any of these males who who have the capacity to to make you these, these vo these blank promises. Bitch, they’re not about to do it.
Whatever it is they’re saying that they’re gonna get to, they’re not. If somebody’s [00:36:00] gonna do some shit, it would’ve been done already. It’s not gonna happen. They want you to just wait while they slow tro shit. They’re not going to do it.
It’s like, that’s like my, it is like my ex, who clearly has a sex addiction. It was like, what? Probably, I don’t know, the end of January before I was like, okay, I’m like done, done with this. He still, and we, we had started going to Sex Addicts Anonymous, I think on the 1st of January or the 31st of December, something like that.
It was like the at, at the last time that I, I communicated with him back at the beginning of March. He still didn’t have a sponsor because he wasn’t trying to get one. Talking about know, these things can’t be rushed and whatever the case may be. And I’m like, no, you’re not taking it seriously.
You don’t, you, you know, [00:37:00] he still wasn’t ready to fully believe he had a problem, which is another reason why I had to get the hell away from him. You know, saying things like, maybe I’ll just do,
maybe I’ll just do six other steps instead of the 12, 12 other steps. I’m like, this fool is really sitting here trying to trying to I don’t know, trying to diminish from the problem. You know? Basically what he’s saying is, I might be bad, but not bad enough, can need all of this, and we’ll just see how it goes completely. Therefore, than somebody who understands that the things that they have done have cost them so much in life that they need to stop whatever they’ve been doing okay, however long it takes, and get their asses redirected.
Not compromise. Trying to trying to make it not as intense as what it is, but over time, [00:38:00]people who have done bad things can, this, this, it has this diminishing effect where they won’t view it as bad as time goes on, or they’re trying to make light of it in their head. And, and I wasn’t about to sit around while he did that.
Now you’ve gone, I was like, fool, you’ve gone and done all this, had your secret men and lived deliciously. Now when it comes time to do the right thing, two months into it, you still don’t have a sponsor. Once I’ve set my mind to get one, within two weeks I had a sponsor. It was really in, in the Sex Addicts Anonymous program.
I wanna be sure that my ass isn’t getting off track either. It really wasn’t that complicated. You know, I sent a few emails to a few people. I attended the six or eight meetings or whatever they said that you needed to when it was done. So it was,
so let me get back on track.[00:39:00]
But they, but they have pleasure and, and, and and people that do these bad things. But in the Bible it speaks about how the Lord is gonna gather all of these people together who don’t mind casting spells or throw stumbling blocks in people’s spaces who don’t mind running around having double lives, who don’t mind at all.
And look, I’m not whining and complaining because so much good is coming of this. I get in, I don’t know, a car, a Lyft car to go to a theater performance. The lady’s telling me all about her narcissistic husband. You know, I’m here, I’m there. I already have opportunities to be a blessing to people and the minister to people in all kinds of ways.
And I’m happy to help, you know, in whatever way that I can, had this not happened, I would not have the opportunity to talk, to be sitting here talking with you about it. And it’s painful to [00:40:00] me to see how many people have been affected by people like Ethan, but my God, these people who I’m talking to, were married to these people.
There’s children, there’s deeper financial in interest. There’s they’ve done been with these people like over like over 10 years and things like that. And it could have been so much worse. You know, Ethan wasn’t living with me. We had no financial interest tied together. The credit cards I had given him, I took those bitches back.
And along with everything else too. And so. So physically in every way, I was able to just pretty much just stop and walk away. But there’s people who can’t just do that. They have a lot more to un to disentangle and everything, and my heart goes out to you.
But baby, just keep praying and keep working with it, even if it’s a [00:41:00] little by little. And eventually you going, you, you, you gonna be all right. You gonna be all right. You’ll be able to work your way up outta that thing.
Now let me keep reading. It says, I never expected to ex exit fulfill his vows because he is a coward. He would sit there and agree to things, giving his word, then change his mind and tell, and, and not tell me,
said, so this is on par for someone of such low character. He never even responded to the two texts I sent at all,
and he was never the type to handle confrontation or deep discussion at all.
Yet he can go out and get naked in front of people he barely knows.
It’s like how I was able to hear the [00:42:00] spirit speak to me through a movie at the cinema. I tried to teach the ex about looking past the surface of things in life to find the the real life messages God has put there for us.
I now know that narcissists have zero interest in looking beneath the surface. They prefer shallow interactions that require no genuineness, like sex with people they barely know. For instance,
when my ex and I would watch or whatever, I don’t know, animes or whatever, you know, I wanted to have conversations about like, you know what it meant deeply. And to him this was such like a burden. He didn’t see the sense, you know, and all this deep talk. He would say that I was being extra or trying to analyze him, or whatever the case may be.
At the end of the day, if you just want a shallow existence, then just go have a shallow existence. And what I’ve learned through this is there are some people in this world [00:43:00] as deep as I try to be, you know, I ponder this life, the afterlife, what is to come, what is beyond the stars, you know, and things like that, you know?
But at the same time, you know, if I wanna masturbate and watch porn and just have me a moment, I’ll just have a moment. I consider myself to be fairly balanced. But what I was hitting on with, with, with him, with my ex was this, this pension he has to try to not be discovered. And I didn’t understand just how.
PE people like what narcissism really was. Otherwise, I would’ve thrown this relationship ago a long time ago because I never, I never was gonna get anywhere. He would make it such a big deal, you know, that, that I dare to want to go like deeper into something. And he just made it,[00:44:00]
you know, I would notice him have like incognito mode windows in his phone and everything like that, and I’m all like, who are you hiding from to hide what? Nobody’s coming to look through your phone. You don’t go out even much talk to people or anything like that. I’m like, what are you trying to hide?
One day he was standing in my kitchen and I, and I walked by him and I could sense that he hadn’t been reading his Bible. I’m, explain to you what I mean by that. If you. It changes you. Any kind of spiritual thing you do changes like your, your vibration, your, your in inner strength and things like that.
So reading your Bible, spending time in the presence of God, like that enhances you and it raises you up even if you don’t understand everything that you’re reading. It’s like [00:45:00] my evangelist, whenever I would be in the military or off somewhere, you know, I talked to her and she’d be like, if I had been reading my Bible, she could tell.
If I hadn’t, she could tell. She’d be like, Hmm, you know, sounds like a cup half full. She told me one time. And when I hadn’t really been, you know, spending time with the Lord you know, it’s, it’s, it’s something that you are not gonna be able to understand or comprehend unless you have spiritual understanding. But we know the light shines and the darkness and the darkness com comprehends not. You know, this is why I tell you to pray for spiritual understanding. You’re not going to grow spiritually, you know, or be able to comprehend, you know, really like what is to come.
Okay? If you don’t have spiritual understanding, spiritual understanding is different than natural understanding. [00:46:00] Spiritual understanding is how you understand, like the more you give away, the more you get car A caral. Mine doesn’t comprehend that a caral mine wants to, to keep everything, but I could, but I could tell that, that he hadn’t been reading his Bible and I said, Hmm, you know, I can, I can sense that you haven’t been reading.
He got offend. And it felt, felt like his privacy hadn’t been violated. You know, like, like how do you know? You know, he, he asked me, he was like, how do you know that I haven’t been reading my Bible? I was like, I can feel it. I can tell. And what he never could accept was that God, what he exposes you or whatever, and is bringing something up is not trying to hurt you.
You know, he’s trying to help you, you know, so the thing to do is not to go try to run from God. What you can’t do anyway has already been spoken about, you know, in the Bible, how people, [00:47:00]you know, when they see the, see the Son of God returning in the clouds or go try to run from the wrath of the lamb and you’re not gonna be able to do that.
You know, there is no running and there are no secrets. So not really, there really aren’t. And so he wasn’t. And I’ve explained that, you know, he was so trying to hide. Like he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he could not accept the benefit of what the spirit was trying to speak to him for being so mad that his secret was out.
You know, I’m like,
you know, I think about other dreams that I’ve had or, or dreams that I’ve had about people where Lord has shown me things that they’ve gone and done, and I call them to talk about it. And their knee jerk reaction is to, to, to, to quiet me, to tell me, don’t tell [00:48:00] anyone, or, you know, it’s just like, the thing is, you, you, you might can hide stuff from like a human for a while, but when the, when the spirit is sending me to you to talk about whatever your secrets are.
Or I, or I can, or in the case of my ex, I can sense if he’s been doing his spiritual work or not. You, you know, y’all get mad at, at, at, at the people, at the prophets, the visionaries, whatever kind of label you wanna put on us, the dreamers, you know, which is what I am, you know, people hate us for our vision and things like that, but you missed the whole point.
You know? Nothing has been revealed to me that I just, just knew. You know, you have to understand if, if you’re angry at me, you know, for knowing that you haven’t been reading your Bible. And really what you’re saying is that you’re angry at God. You know, if you’re angry at angry at me for whatever dream I’m bringing to you, then you’re angry at God.
I’m [00:49:00] just the messenger, you know. You know, I can’t just know, like it has a thing has to be revealed to me or shown to me. So the question you should be asking is, who told the van in this thing, which he’s now coming to us with, you know, you know, or how can he sense this? You know, whenever I’m talking to somebody who’s like a tarot car reader or some sort of clairvoyant, my main question is always from where do you draw your power?
Dead relatives, a devil God, who the fuck is talking to you? Because I know that this human setting in front of me is nothing more than a conduit. You know? So whatever they’re coming to me with, and it’s not them telling me it’s whatever spirit they’re dealing with and operating with, telling me.
But these narcissists, you know, they just, they just have a veneer that they hide behind. You know, it’s like a mask that they wear.[00:50:00]
Towards the end of the relationship, I’m began to be able to see this mass. The morning that I went over to my ex’s house to start taking more of my shit back he was sitting in there playing video games. I had sent him a super emotionally charged text that morning, which he had not responded to. I had waited like two hours.
He’s an early riser. He was up the floor, had been mopped. He’s sitting in there playing video games. I come in there and I immediately dive into my read. I saw when his, he immediately shifted into victim mode, you know, he was like, oh my gosh, I just got up. I haven’t had chance to do anything. No, you’ve been up for hours to stop with a to stop.
And so, but he immediately shifted and, and went and put himself back behind that mask, you know, cause I, I started reading his facial expression at the moment. I walked through the door. And he had one facial [00:51:00] expression for talking to his friends on, on the gaming console. And then with me, he shifted into a different personality.
I’m not sure how many different personalities he has, but it’s at least a few. I would see him shift and change into a different personality when he would try to get something from his mom. I remember hearing his voice change whenever he’s in the presence of say, like a man or, you know, a male or a dude or, or, or something like that.
It’s like he becomes something different whenever he’s in front of a different person in order to achieve what he wants or what he thinks should be, or maybe what he thinks they want him to be or whatever. But the whole point is none of it was real. It was all pretend. How did Lady Gaga say it wasn’t love?
It was a perfect illusion, mistaken for love.[00:52:00]
So I said they prefer shallow interactions that require no genuineness, like sex with people they barely know. They have no idea what this is really costing them. Professor, and the Bible says it like this, professing themselves to become wise. They became fools. These narcissistic people who, who’s sitting up here playing these games and lying to people, it’s like they sit back and laugh.
But like I said, God laughs at them because he sees that their day is coming. There’s one guy I hooked up with back when I was in the military. He had sex with me and thought it was, I guess, comical to then call his girlfriend, which I didn’t know he had, you know, from my house. Okay. You know, like immature that is like, [00:53:00] why would you, I guess, I guess he considers himself to be the man or whatever the hell the case may be.
No, that’s a broken soul and a broken fool. I’m like, you know, the lies they tell are just, I mean, there’s no good lie, but, but it, it is just like, it’s, it’s coming from such a deep place of brokenness when it’s so much easier to tell the truth. Like, if you gonna run around and cheat on your girl, that’s terrible enough.
Why do you have to add insulted injury to literally be on the phone with her while you’re in the presence of somebody who you’re cheating on her with?
Like, how, like how can this make a per a hu a human feel good. That’s just, I just, but like my therapist has been telling me it’s a waste of my energy to ever try to understand the way manipulative and [00:54:00] narcissistic people operate, because I don’t think that way. Like I could never do these things, but there are totally people who can do these things and they thrive in doing these things.
And so y’all, we have to stop worrying about trying to understand why. They can’t even tell you why. Used ask my ex, my ex, why the hell are you doing this and that. He’d be like, I don’t know why I did it. I’d be like, why’d you say this? He’d be like, I don’t know why I said it. I’d be like, okay,
okay.
And the Bible says it like this. It says they, they deceived and were deceived. Like I said, the, you know, the Lord is gathering these people together. You know, encircling them, you know, until they won’t be able to escape. But they have their portion in this life.[00:55:00]
So let me switch gears now because there was another,
there was another character in the movie that God was speaking to me through, which was,
there was a good line spoken by one of the heroes as she lay down, she said she was okay without everything went, and that she was proud of what she had been able to achieve.
So thi this is the direction I want my mind to transition into, focusing on the fact.
That I could only have done what was in my power to do. [00:56:00] I wasn’t perfect, but I was honest and genuinely and practically invested in Ethan. So I think it’s okay for us to give ourselves credit for doing the right thing by people who we ultimately have to turn loose, be it an employee, a child, a business partner, a church, a preacher, a family member, or whatever.
Because this experience has taught me that it takes all parties involved in a relationship to be truthful, genuine, and hardworking, to make it.
So what I’ve learned is that this is like being in a relationship. It’s not like, it’s not like when, when I was in grade school and say the team project was three people in or five or whatever, and you had that [00:57:00] one bitch slacking off, and then the rest of us could just kind of like get it together and pull their weight because we were like, fuck it, you know, we can’t let our grades fall.
This is, let’s do this stupid bitch’s work. Or if you’re playing like, you know, a a five v, five five player versus five player game on Xbox or whatever, and you got that one dumb bitch who keeps getting themselves killed, you know, dragging the team down, you can kind of compensate for that maybe. And ain’t like that in real like, like in, like in real life, in in any, any of these relationships, everybody has to do their part of the ship won’t work, period.
I carried our relationship.
You know, for, for, for five years, you know, and I see people do this, I would say, like they’re children, you know, and business partners and all of that. You know, if you have a child, and I don’t have children yet, I have two cats, honey. And I’m gonna tell you, I, [00:58:00] I don’t see much of a difference. I really don’t.
I really don’t. But but, you know, I’ve seen people really, really like be burdened and have to struggle. You know, wh when they’re, when their kids are going through things and it’s hard, hard, hard, hard. You’re hard for a lot of parents to, to detach from a child that’s hardheaded, won’t listen. But you can only do your part.
That’s all you can do. And there’s nothing wrong with being proud of that. If you have a business partner that lies to you, steals money out of the account, you know, when your preachers disappoint you because. You find out about their scandals and things like that. You know, you have an employee that won’t show up on time and when they show up, they, they don’t do the job.
You know, you can only do so much training, say in the case of an employee, you can try and try and try, but if you have to turn them [00:59:00] loose, you have to, it, I think it should be done regrettably, slow, not with like rejoicing or anything like that in any of these examples that I’ve given. You know, if, you know, if it has to come to that, and I think it’s good to step back and, and just give yourself a pat on the back, you know, for doing the best that you can for the part of it that was yours to do.
Okay? So I want my, my mind to shift, you know, and stop thinking about the things that he did that angered me and started thinking about the things that I did that were honorable and right. Because ultimately that’s the only thing that I was ever in control of anyway. I could have done everything right.
And if Ethan just was insisted of upon being a grinder hoe, that he’s just gonna go be a grinder hoe, you know, my goodness was never going to stop his weaknesses.
Okay, [01:00:00] so, so when, when the thoughts come into my head, you know, about the, about the terrible stuff that he’s done, I’m trying to reframe them with positive thinking. Let me brag about myself for a moment here, because God knows I have beaten myself down enough.
And, and thank y’all for y’all’s patience as I try to read through my choppy ass handwriting. What I’m saying is I’m glad that after what I went through, and again, I’m not whining about what I’ve been through or trying to play the victim. This shit happened. It is what it is. And so, but I, but I’m just happy that I’m not like running around with a chip on my shoulder feeling like life took this for me or that for me.
I’m glad that I had enough ability to show love again and and, you know, and financially to come from literally having nothing to be able to [01:01:00] take care of, just not myself, but another human is like huge. You know, that’s a really, really, really great thing that I’m thankful for. That, that, that I even had the capacity to do.
These are some of the things that I did do, and I will be going into even more explicit imagery on this, you know, in the book that I’m working on. Okay.
I helped. I helped Ethan improve his luck. When I met him, he was wearing the same old, dirty ass shoes for my ever many years in the same wrinkled ass clothes for my ever many years. And he would rotate through the same like four or five shirts, one or two shorts, shit would be wrinkled, faded, dirty, you know, hair was all like nap and shit.
By the time I was done with him, he had a couple of new pairs of shoes to pick through. I had bought [01:02:00] him piles of clothes. I don’t think I bought him any shoes, but piles of clothes. You know, I would just go like for every 21 or Gap or whatever, you know, Abercrombie catch cells and stuff like that. But I mean, a lot of clothes and I, I bought him so many clothes that he could have literally worn a different outfit probably every day for a few months.
But like the creature of habit he is. He just wanted to just have a few things, you know? But,
you know, and I did this because I wanted to see some exciting colors. You know, I get tired of seeing him in those same depressing ass colors, you know, and shit like that. But I didn’t judge him for this either. I was like, but I also should not have tried to change him. I suppose my intentions were only good, you know,
the hair, I introduced him to Mom Barber, you know, the per person I grew up with [01:03:00] owns a barber shop here. You know, the person who ended up eventually converting his hair, you know, into you know, into dreadlocks, you know, you know, at my urging all of that, you know, came through, through people that I know, trips to places that he’d never been.
You. All of that. And then when we went, you know, we flew first class when we stayed, it was in the pimp suite baby. His house that he bought, it was his mom and I that got behind him and pushed him to believe that he could afford his own real estate. You know, it was us, you know, in his corner pushing him.
The realtor that helped him get that house came through. My friends, his, his sources of, [01:04:00]sources of income that he has right now came through me and my people.
And it wasn’t just big stuff like this. I bought him pressure cooker knife said meat therm. So what are these things? Practical. I was always thinking of ways to make his life easier. You know, what need does. Like what was that? I think that was Mr. Big. Well, from that movie, robots find a need, fill a need.
You know, I, it’s like I was just seeking for ways and, you know, and, and Ethan’s mother is the same way. You know, how can I help? How can I help? How can I help? You know what, I’m not even much gonna say that right now. I am gonna say if I hit one of one of one of Ethan’s few f f Freie and slips of truth.
You know, [01:05:00] he said that, you know, he just used to people giving him stuff, but I mean, over his almost 30 years on this earth. But that never converted in his head to being something that he should be like, appreciative for. It just like it just happens to him. So he couldn’t, no matter what I gave him, he couldn’t see it as, you know, an act of love.
But these were practical. So everything from first class jet flights to places, to little things like a meat thermometer. Cause I’m going in there in the kitchen and he’s burning the hell. A lot of chicken, making it, turning it into coal. I’m like, there’s a process for that. There’s technology for that.
There’s a way, there’s a better way. I mentioned the credit cards. Yeah. I had given him, you know, a platinum MX and a Black American Airlines card. Those two things would’ve granted him access into the lounges. [01:06:00] This became like a super big deal cuz of the covid virus and everything. I figured the safer to be in lounges.
So I got those cards and everything like that. You know, this is because I was anticipating the day would come that he would travel and go somewhere hopefully with somebody or go at least go home or somewhere without me. So, and I didn’t want him, you know, setting out there, you know, with the, the hoards of people and stuff, it’s a much nicer experience in lounges if you, if you have not lived the lounge life in an airport, darling, it makes looking forward to going to the airport a whole other different motivation.
So if I didn’t want him out there wanting him, you know, to have the best of life the counseling, the couples counseling, all of that was you know, that was another good thing that I did because I was trying to make the relationship work. And so all in all, you get the idea [01:07:00] so I can at least look back and feel proud about.
How I tried
and it makes me feel better and it makes me gain perspective. I don’t feel like I could have controlled his choices. I feel insulted. I feel disrespected. I certainly did not feel envious. I don’t feel jealous, you know?
You know, not at all. It’s like, I wonder, you know, how extensive, you know, Ethan’s list would be if he, if he were to try to go. And, and, and see how he enhanced [01:08:00] my life and see how he improved it. You know, I accepted the fact that on some levels, that I would be able to do more than him, but it’s pretty sad when there was a time that I asked him, cuz I felt so underappreciated in this relationship, I was like, what, what value do you bring?
Or how do you treat me special? Or, you know, the only thing he could say was that I bought him for you and that I spend time with you.
Okay. Well that’s not really, I mean, it, it’s, it’s, it’s pretty sad that like there’s so much of his value is tied up into sex. That, that, that, that’s like the first thing out of his mouth is sex. But that wasn’t even true because I’m gonna tell you, when, when I broke up with him the first time, like I said, I wish I’d have just stayed [01:09:00] gone.
Then we were apart for like three weeks. It only took him, what, five days to be getting naked with the next person and then that same person he bought him for. So, and then, so I’m like okay. Is, is that special that it only took you like five days to maybe two weeks to start doing it again After we had been together for years.
So like what he meant was he just bottoms less, you know? So, but for somebody like that, you know, you know who, who could sleep with as many people as as as he is capable of, you know, it’s not like it’s just basically there really wasn’t anything that he could say because his mind was not oriented.
Towards enhancing the vannin. You know, I think that I really feel like this relationship was nothing more than an [01:10:00] extended almost five year distraction from his agony. Cuz like my hypnotherapist reminds me, narcissists are not happy people. What they are good at is presenting the facade filling their lives with activities to distract them.
They’re not happy and they’re not happy because they don’t want to be wrong. You can’t ever be released from something that you don’t have full culpability. So you can’t be healed of something that you were never wrong about or fully wrong about because you never did anything wrong. And I’ll talk more about that here in a little bit.
So,
I feel like this relationship was, was an, an extended Grindr [01:11:00] hookup. I feel like I should have left him just as a fuck buddy or friends with benefit is is he so like to use that word. Cause in that dream that I had years ago,
where, where the Lord was telling me that, you know, basically he was not being what he seemed, I should have waited until the Lord came back and told me that he was being real before I moved forward with Ethan, I should have waited. Cause the Lord didn’t tell me to leave, but he also didn’t tell me to move forward either, you know? And so I should have just kept it as like a casual sexual thing, even though by this time I think he was [01:12:00] already living in my apartment, which happened way too fast.
But I’ll talk about all of that in more detail when I write
But, you know, I had fear, you know, fear that, you know, if, if I don’t make a move then you know, then someone else will come and scoop him up. But I’ve, you know, y’all fear should never be what motivates us. My mindset should have been, I’m gonna let this thing take its course, and if somebody else does well, then it was meant for them to move forward and not us, and be willing to just let that go instead of having anxiety about it and trying to hurry up.
It’s one thing to pursue somebody and want to get them before somebody else gets them, but you also have to get them only if the time is right. And so another lesson.
Let’s see now yeah. My ex actually spoke about [01:13:00] like having children and wanting children and I told him that, that he’s not fit to have a child. That he’s not mentally fit to raise children. It’s not, you know, children aren’t, not some like little cute pet or a pipe dream or whatever the hell you had to be able to teach a child mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and you have a child for the rest of your life and that matter, they’re 18.
It got to a point towards the end of end of my relationship
that I, you know, I would look at Ethan and be like, no, I’m definitely not raising children with you. You know, you don’t possess the, the morality, the character, depth of character. Anything that I would care to see imparted into a child, what would he have taught them? Hey, son, it’s totally okay if you have sex with people and give them covid.
It’s totally okay if you lie to your partner and your [01:14:00] couple’s counselors, it’s totally okay if you manipulate people, like, what the hell? You can only teach what you. And if you’re trying to teach your child something that’s contrary to how you live, then the child is going to cut you off and not respect you because children can see the bullshit.
And so,
and also Ethan had extremely low goals in life. I didn’t learn this about him until the relationship was almost over. Like, he only wants to make say, 40,000 a year. He only wants to have enough money to help him and maybe his friends, the friends from back in his home state because , I mean, while that’s cute and all, but, you know, my whole thing is like, what about the rest of the world? You know, he was saying he’s totally fine. It’s like with his, you know, little town home he has or an, or an apartment. I’m. Because like I’ve, like I’ve told y’all, you have to grow you. possess true love and affection for the people that you grew up with. [01:15:00] Okay,
the next, the, the next transformation I desire is for my anger to turn into pity.
Pity, pity, pity. I mean,
When I think about pity, I think about like
smiggle, a goum, you know, Lord of the Rings. Yeah. When you look at what, what the ring did to, to smiggle, you know, you feel sorry for him, but at the same time, you wanna throw that little bastard off of the side of whatever mountain you happen to be on because of the things he’s willing to do to people.
Okay. At the same time you like, you know, I fucking, you know, I fucking hate you, but the same time, damn.[01:16:00]
So what does, so what does SMI and Goum represent? The way that if we get carried away with our desires, they will kill us slowly and turn us into something we can’t recognize. So it’s a ring for him, sex for, for you
lying for another person or whatever the hell the case may be over gambling, I don’t know. Whatever the fucking drain your life force gradually and slowly without you realizing it is what that ring of power represents. Hmm. You know,
how does the Bible say it? I think you said it like, you know, people who, who live for pleasure like that are dead while they live. You know, and it’s like Smiggle was only happy, you know, when he had that thing in his hands. [01:17:00] You know, the only, I think the only damn time.
He was genuinely, genuinely happy, was at the end when he finally got what he wanted and it killed him. And so
it is not true happiness if you’re only happy in the middle of an activity or because of a possession. If you don’t have true happiness when you’re alone and all is quiet, you have some serious issues to work through. I mean, true happiness, I can’t remember who in the hell said it, but somebody said something like, all of the world’s problems stem from the inability of, of, of humans to sit still.
You know, something [01:18:00] like that. And You know, where, where, where are you getting your happiness from? Where are you really happy? Have you ever really known happiness? You know, whoever you are, you know,
you know this. These are the sort of things that I think of when I’m watching shows and things like that. You know, as I stated, my ex wasn’t interested in all of this deep talk. We were watching the, the, the legend of Vox Makina, beautiful, beautiful anime, beautiful life lessons written into it. And one part, you know, these people, they get separated, you know, and this spins, this challenging them.
And I wanted to know from this one character, like, you know, basically, who are you? What is [01:19:00] your purpose? Where do you get your strength from? Why are you here? All questions we must answer in his life. I, you know, I can articulate the, this easily to somebody now. You know, I asked my ex this, he didn’t have an answer.
You know, I’m like, I get, somebody might not know exactly why they’re here, but at the very least, you should know what makes you strong, the things that weaken you. You know,
so now when I meet people, I’m trying to date them, the sort of questions that I ask have completely shifted. Now I ask them, you know, are you happy? Where do you draw your strength from? You know, what drives and motivates you in life, you know, and if all I’m getting is they, they just want sex or some, you know, alcohol weed, you know, you know, that’s the best you can do.
Sex, alcohol, [01:20:00] weed. Boy, bye. You know, before I, I would think, you know, I used to think, you know, to wait to get into deep questions like this, but you know, just from, from jump, you know, who the fuck are you, man? What the fuck do you want outta life? I need to know that, that, that anybody in my life has a sense of direction, focus something other than lust and desire, getting up and driving them forward every day, or desire to make money or desire to go and get something, or to consume something.
You know, I need to know that other things are important to them.
Let me circle back into the money, which is what we opened up this episode with.
I don’t believe, another reason I believe he didn’t bother to either, you know, to just not to to pay what he owes is because he knew he couldn’t get me back, you know, at one point another one of his 40 and slips. So he, I was like, the [01:21:00] relationship is over and he, he basically, he basically just outright said, which we should say everything outright.
It really bothers me that it stands out when somebody is a truthful person. It’s like there’s almost like the world expects a certain type aversion of the truth and not necessarily the whole truth all the time. But basically he was saying he’s not gonna finish paying it if there’s no way the relationship can be rekindled.
So see, it, it, it is beyond him. How did I write this? I said, I said he, he didn’t pay me back cuz he couldn’t get me back. And so this shows me that doing good for the sake of doing good and making things right is something that is not important to him. You know, if there’s not something that a narcissist is gonna get directly in return for something, either they’re not gonna do it or they’re gonna start off doing it.
And then slowly you’ll see it fade over time.
you know, and towards the beginning of this year when, [01:22:00] you know, we were, you know, enrolled in the Sex addicts Anonymous and all of that,
you know, he wouldn’t let me and his mother come to the meetings with him, you know, he didn’t want us there. I’m like, okay. Some of them were closed anyway, closed meetings anyway, and they weren’t open. But,
you know, updates never came. I would have to ask, you know, You know, how are the meetings going? Do you have a sponsor yet? You know, still following up behind him. Okay. He was the one who went and cheated. He is the one who told lies. He should have been following up after me trying to make it right. His motivation was so non-existent.
He didn’t wanna be rushed, you know?
You know, so, so like I said, bef you know, earlier, I would guess by [01:23:00] now, you know, since he’s, since he’s not the type of person who wants to do stuff for the sake of doing good, you know, do good things for the sake of doing good and making stuff right. I would imagine since he’s stopped paying, then he’s probably stopped the sex acts anonymous meetings probably stopped all the, the hypnotherapy and the counseling and everything like, Because that would be something that would be doing a good thing for, for the purposes of doing a good thing in general, self-improvement.
And I could only, I mean, he’s probably gone back to being ahoe and rational, which, which is, which is neither here nor there because we were working on having an open relationship anyway. But, those narcissists have a way of making us follow up after them. For all I know, [01:24:00] he could have intentionally like knowing. That I was most curious in how his progression was going. You know, that motherfucker probably intentionally went a while without saying anything, knowing that I would come and ask.
It’s still a way of getting energy from me, you know, narcissists or energy vampires, and that is a way to do it. He also knows that I like to know that I’ve been heard and I like to have messages responded to, and so not responding, although this is super immature, you know, you know, is you know, is a way for him to think he’s hurting me or a way for him to think that he has control or something like that.
And it’s all mind games, you know? And so I’m saying this so that you [01:25:00] understand that not all energy vampire and not all, Manipulation is like direct. Sometimes they do it by not doing anything. But what you’ve gotta do is stop, you know, being the bigger person, quote unquote, in terms of always extending the olive branch or trying to reach across the aisle because that’s what they want,
you know when, when Ethan’s mother was over here trying to make sense of this situation, and all three of us are sitting here and it’s so heated and it’s so, so intense and everyone’s blood pressure’s up. You know, I mean, imagine there’s a room full of adults. Three of these people have had to drive, I don’t know, 10 fucking hours to come here and all of this stress is happening and, and his entire family contracts covid while they’re here trying to make sense of this.
You know, over what? [01:26:00] Because, because Ethan wanted to go have sex. Okay, now we’re all sitting here arguing and everything, and in the middle of this, you know, Ethan, just random, you know, his mother is saying, you know, relationships or work, you have to work through this. Now this is something he already knew, that he just outburst, well, why do I, why does it have to be work?
That’s just something he threw out there so that he can keep the intensity going. We done been, there’s so many counselors by now, he knows this and she and I like fools. Sit here and explain to somebody who’s been in a relationship for almost five years why it has to be work. I point out the fact that it’s no different than grooming a friendship.
You have to work at any of it. You know, it is sick and sadistic, twisted as mine. It gave him a sense of joy to see us working this hard, to try to make sense out of the pain and confusion he had caused. [01:27:00] Following up, African narcissistic people will lead you nowhere because they’re not trying to change.
They’re gonna do the same shit either directly or a different way. The only common denominator is that you are gonna sit there and continue to be confused, and they’re gonna con set there and continue to do whatever the hell they want to do. They gonna give you just enough to make it th make it look like they’re genuine, but they’re never gonna really fully give you them
in their attempts to become wise. They have become fools professing themselves to become wise. They became fools. That’s how, that’s how the Bible says it.
But there’s this well that they spawn themselves into, they’re not going to get out of it. Not until they pay the last penny. Cuz like my hypnotherapist was telling me, narcissistic people [01:28:00] are not happy, happy people don’t go around doing things like this. Happy people do not go around hurting people with no conscience.
Happy people cannot lie to their mothers, to their dads, to their partners, and yet go run around with people they barely know and, and be happy like that. Mm-hmm. That’s something that is out of order, out of balance. It is not speak peace. So just because you see that X of yours out there looking like they’re living their best life or out there smiling.
Mm-hmm. People go out there and live all these lies and then come home and cry every day. I know it. I’ve talked to people who are, who are like, who are, who are. Who, who, who live li who lives lives that they don’t want to be living. If any of you are living a life you don’t want to live for God’s sakes, make a plan to get [01:29:00] out of it.
But just know that that narcissist is, is building up damnation and condemnation unto themselves. And it’s not about smiling the day, it’s about whether or not you’re gonna be smiling tomorrow because what, what does the Lord say in Psalm 37 for not yourself because of evil doers, but they will soon be cut down.
Doesn’t matter how they keep the, he, he up unto themselves riches in power and lovers and had all this sex and went and traveled to all these places and did all these things. It don’t matter if when you depart this plane of existence, you face an angry God. He’s not angry just cuz he is angry. Angry because of the shit you did in life.
And and so,
And let’s not, and let’s not spend time worrying about where they’re at, what they’re doing. A narcissist is gonna be doing the same thing that they did when they were in a relationship [01:30:00] with you, whatever the fuck they want. And so this, what I’ve discovered about Ethan May only be the tip of the iceberg.
He could have been out there doing anything with anyone for all of these, all these almost five years. and it’s not about them. We, we must take our minds off of them and get it on us. I know it’s a hard transition once you’ve gotten used to caring for somebody, but we have to let them fully go and we have to let them fully. Let them go on, minimize whatever they’ve done to you, RA, try to rationalize it away and try to justify whatever kind of life that they live, you know?
It is not, they’re ultimately, they are going to suffer for it. Psalm 37 is a great one actually, to read with regard to these people, you know, and just, and just don’t forget, you know, you know, God cast liars out. He’ll work [01:31:00] with a person for anything, but he said a liar cannot carry in his sight. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. And nor will they be allowed in that this lying just will not do. So I really hope that this helped someone.
So my encouragement is that we start to give ourselves more credit for the good that we have done, rather than beating ourselves up. And questioning ourselves, you know, their karma will come around to them because God is not mocked. Whatever a man. So that also will he reap. And God repays every one of us according to our works.
I loved Ethan dearly, and I, and I tried to show it to him in as many ways as I possibly could, but that love was not enough and and there, there’s nothing more than any of you [01:32:00] can do. So I want you to make a list of the things that you have done. Right. Make a list.
Make a list. You know, I’m all about putting God first and everything like that, but sometimes I don’t like to do it a lot. Sometimes it’s not a bad idea. Cause it helps to, to, to, to, to just brag on yourself because it helps to. Redirect perspective. And so for those of you who have been victims of these narcissistic people, get your pin out and write.
Write down how they made you feel. Write down how you want to feel. Write down what you did. Write down the ways you tried to help them. Write it all down. And, and once you finish that list, that was your part in the relationship. Neither one of you were perfect. Everybody did bad things, okay? Write down that you [01:33:00] told the truth, you know, and so, and with that, try your best to move forward.
Thank you for listening, and I look forward to talking to you again.
