My guest today is all the way from the UK and he is helping men build confidence, become their true selves, last longer in bed and masturbate like they mean it! His name is David Chambers and he is the host of The Authentic Man Podcast and an accomplished Dating & Intimacy coach. This man is a master of mindfulness and tantric practices and it was a real pleasure to talk about sex with him on my show.
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· Expert Advice From A Dating Coach
· Mindful Masturbation
· Secrets To Men Lasting Longer In Bed
· Self-Love & Self-Mastery Defined
· Why Some Men Sleep With LOTS Of Women
· Why Men STOP Sleeping With LOTS Of Women
· How The Subconscious Mind Rules The Conscious Mind
· Having Sex To Fill Emotional Voids
· Men And The Fear Of Rejection
· Avoiding Commitment
· Communication Barriers During Sex
· Toxic Masculinity
CONNECT WITH DAVID:
Website & Courses: https://www.theauthenticman.net
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
– TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
SDJ MEMBERSHIP (FULL EPISODES):
· $2.99 per month.
· Donate any amount for 30 days of access.
· $25 per year.
You’re listening to the sex drugs and Jesus podcast, where we discuss whatever the fuck we want to. And yes, we can put sex and drugs and Jesus all in the same bed and still be all right. At the end of the day, my name is De’Vannon and I’ll be interviewing guests from every corner of this world. As we dig into topics that are too risky for the morning show, as we strive to help you understand what’s really going on in your.
There was nothing on the table and we’ve got a lot to talk about. So let’s dive right into this episode.
De’Vannon: My guest today is all the way from the UK. And he is helping them build confidence, become their true selves last longer in bed and masturbate. Like they mean it, baby yassss!!! His name is David Chambers and he is the host of the authentic man podcast. And he’s also an accomplished dating and intimacy coach as well.
This man is a master of mindfulness and tantric practices, and it was a [00:01:00]real pleasure to talk about sex with him on my show.
Hello, David, the authentic man man’s man. How are you doing today?
David: I’m feeling, um, I’m feeling really, really kind of grounded and calm. I just, uh, just before we go on about an hour ago, I was laying on a massage table with my Reiki master doing a magic. So I’m now feeling stupid, like relaxed and said, so I’m really feeling, oh
De’Vannon: shit, that’s how you get ready for, uh, uh, for a fucking interview.
You get the Reiki master over there. You get all of this in the house.
David: Yeah. Then all the energy get relaxed, save big,
De’Vannon: but see that’s how your, your podcast intake, man, it starts off that way. Like your voice is so like low and calm. You’ve got like the massage music going and you’re already getting people into the state of hypnosis before you [00:02:00]even much started talking about.
What’d he really came there to talk about that day.
De’Vannon: Okay. So David, tell us about how you got started on the path of being a dating coach. Talk to us about your history and your struggles and everything that led to that path.
David: Yeah. Yeah. That’s a good question. Um, I, uh, about, um, Let’s say 15 years ago, uh, you know, you’re young 20 something year old, man. And I was just not as happy with my day in life as I want it to be, you know, like many of us, you know, I’m sure I was 20 odd years old. I was kind of up and coming in my career and my tech career.
And I was looking to expand my life and expand my horizons and do new things. And I was finding myself, going to the bars and clubs and meet women who they weren’t really interested in. The sort of things I was interested in. They wanted to, you know, go to bars and clubs and maybe buy some handbags and [00:03:00]shoes and holiday and, you know, get drunk, that sort of thing.
And I was feeling a little bit tired of that. I felt like I was growing out of that a little bit and I wanted to travel. I wanted to, you know, um, dive into new cultures, try new experiences, do things that push my comfort zone. So I was a bit frustrated with that. I started Googling one night as you do. Um, and I came across a book that promise to teach a man, you know, how to, to, to talk to women, how to talk to a higher quality women.
I guess the phrase would have been in those days and a book was the game. Um, so like many amount at that time I picked up, I’d read it, cover to cover in a few weeks. Um, and I, I use some of the techniques. I definitely did. It went out and you know, some of the lines, you know, some of the first pickup, the kind of introductory lines as I probably call them is like, got me.
Help me with confidence a lot of the time. So then I, I ended up at a bootcamp and at the end of that boot camp, I turned to the teacher, the head teacher, they had the guy who was running it and said, Hey, I think I could teach this [00:04:00] stuff, you know, on the bootcamp. He said, yeah, I agree. And that kind of started a path of, for about year and a half, doing that on the side, as well as working in my tech job.
And during that year and a half, I started to develop to move away from a lot of the stuff that was in the game. I wasn’t really that keen on a lot of what was in there to start with, but I started to really develop this idea of like having fun, you know, that, that mystery thing that a lot of men struggle with, especially when they get into a club, like having a good time, having fun with people like smiling, joking, laughing, uh, being in the moment being, you know, open and honest and, and so forth.
So I really got into that. And then I got kind of fed up with that whole scene, that whole kind of men trying to pick up women. It become, I started to see there was a really dark side coming across students who didn’t love. They didn’t love meeting women. They just wanted to take advantage of them. And I didn’t sit well with me, cause my, my point of view has been like a deep love and reverence for women.
You know, I grew up, I’ve got four, four sisters sometimes I forget. Um, I’ve got four sisters, um, and I grew [00:05:00] up with them. So I really have a love for women. So I spent many years after that, just learning about myself, you know, self-dependent work, going to workshops, going to courses, you know, week-long things, things like that even went to a Buddhist monastery to stay for a week, uh, one year just to, you know, learn more about me and I, I had a partner.
I was with fast forward a few years from there. Uh, we were together for about four years or we broke up when I was in Bolivia. We were traveling around the world. We traveled all fruit, India Southeast Asia flew over to south America to see the Olympics and broke up in a, in a hotel room in Bolivia, in a little town called.
And it all really, for me, stemmed from the idea. And the thing that I struggled with was just speaking about my feelings and emotions and listening to her about taking it personally and making it all about me and what I’ve done wrong. So what that kind of created was a cycle where I didn’t say how I felt, because I didn’t want to upset her because I didn’t want her to be acting for me.
You have to deal with her [00:06:00] emotional reaction. So I was balling up all these feelings, all these desires, things that I wanted, and it just caused the breakdown of a relationship slowly over a year. And I really vowed to myself. Then I said, I’m not going to let it happen again. I don’t want that to happen again.
So I went on a bit of a journey after that. I kept traveling for about six months, discipline medicine did a lot of meeting new people, a lot of just open Hyde conversation. Um, and then after that I came back to London, uh, a friend of mine, uh, the guy who used to run the podcast with AMAT, he was like, let’s do something.
Well, this thing, let me, she’s like, you know, there’s so much data on, is this. Do this, say this where this then say this, then do this and then trick her into doing this. He was like, but we know that doesn’t work. Long-term we know that that’s very superficial and it doesn’t build beautiful relationships.
So the podcast was born, uh, originally it was called your thing, dating series, um, spending about day. And you know, in the last few months I’ve expanded it into and change the name to the authentic man has decided to step away [00:07:00] around Christmas time. So this has all led to a journey of like self-learning self-development growth.
Um, Coming into myself, maturing more than anything. And a couple, there’s a nother side that runs alongside, this is my love of sex, sexuality, tantra, and things like that. That I’ve also brought into my work. So now I’m, you know, doing everything from running workshops about masturbation, for play, a tantra for couples, tantric, massage,
and the like. So it’s really a combination and helped me grow and move forward. So out of my own pain, you know, I’ve turned this as I often say, your pain can become your gold. And for me, that’s really been, been true for me.
De’Vannon: Excellent breakdown of you. And I love how you have the small beginnings, as they say, as the Lord says in the Hebrew Bible to despise not the day of small beginnings and, you know, and you came from and where the, where there anybody out there believes in God or not is, you know, a thing, but it’s just, it’s [00:08:00] just good fucking sense, you know, to despise small beginnings, you know, he didn’t get visited.
David didn’t get discouraged. And you know, he started, you know, he had his heart broken, he went through some shit, uh, you know, he started off helping somebody else and now he’s become the guru himself. Now your website is absolutely fantastic. The authentic man.net. And because it’s really like a resource and a hub, I love when websites are like that.
So it’s almost like, you know, Creative website. And you just happen to have some podcast episodes on there because you got everything else too. You got your blog going, you got courses, you design, you got workshop videos coming up and stuff like that. And so we’re going to talk all about that in my show notes that I’m going to design for you, but I love it.
It’s a resource and men can go to you and find out how to become a better man. Um, I wanted to, so I was listening to one of your [00:09:00] podcasts episodes. And you said, uh, an interesting thing about self love. And I wanted to talk about self love, um, up front, because I think a lot of the work you do has that infused.
I think all the work you do has used in it. You say something like self love is not always among ourselves. Uh, yeah. And, um, sometimes it requires discipline and self-mastery, which is something else that I came across a lot when I was researching you. So tell us what is self love and self mastery what’s in not getting confused with.
David: Hmm. I think. Hmm. Hmm. Good question. So, so self love to me is in a real nutshell, and I think for this is it’s sometimes I just work with, see what comes up for me in the moment is like, you know, all the love we give to other people, right? For a lot of us, like, or the love that we want from other people, like maybe you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend who’s gonna, you know, [00:10:00] take you out for dinner.
Who’s going to give you foot mass artist. Who’s going to cook for you, who is going to, you know, tell you how beautiful you look and you know, all those things give that to you. That is, to me the real basics of self-love all the things you want from outside of you that you crave externally, right? You crave the validation, you crave the love, the feeding, the warmth, give that to yourself on a daily basis every day in some way, you know, like it, as I said before I came here today, I took myself and I went and got some Reiki for my Reiki master.
And it’s like, that’s an act of self love, you know, because I’m giving myself the relaxation and the joy that I love to give to other people. Right. And I give that to myself. It’s an act of self-love and where self-discipline kind of comes in, is that when you’ve go things like, say going to the gym, Now going to the gym can be an act of self-love, right?
Because maybe you’ve decided that, you know, you want [00:11:00] your body to look a certain way or you live in something. You want your body to look a certain way. Maybe you want your body to feel a certain way. You know, you want to feel a certain way in your body. So there’s going to take that. You go to the gym or you go to yoga or you do some running or lattes or whatever exercise you choose to do, but you’re also going to need some discipline infused into that, right.
To keep going, because these sorts of things take discipline and where the self-mastery comes in for me is also looking at yourself and asking questions about who you are and how you feel and what’s going on for you. So inside of the example of going to the gym, maybe there’s days where you’re like, I don’t fancy it today.
I don’t want to go today. And actually I want to go to the cake shop and eat a whole massive cake. That’s normally for four people. It could be an act of self love for you to go and eat that cake. And this is where, you know, it’s not always easy to tell because if you’ve been going through. You know, three times a week for four years, and you’ve never missed a session.
But inside of [00:12:00] that, that self-love is giving you what you really desire and need in that moment is to have some cake to sell yourself. You’ll sell some love and just have something in you that feels good. Right. But if you are on the flip side of someone, who’s been trying to go to the gym for three years and you’ve gone about four times, right?
And it’s a normal story for you to want this cake inside that moment, your axis of bluff is to crack your ass to the gym right now, the self-mastery comes in is when you have that for that is like, Hmm, I don’t really want to go to the gym and you go, Hmm. What is underneath that for what’s going on there?
Well, what’s my, is there a fear there? Is there a concern? Is there a worry, right. You know, for some of us, if it’s like going to the gym, it’s like with almost fearful sometimes. If we do this thing, we will change as a person. And how will the world react to me or my family? Not likely my friends, not like me.
Will I be less accepted because I changed. Right. And that kind of often sits in quite an unconscious place. So self-mastery, to me, it’s like to look at why you do things, why certain things keep happening to you and [00:13:00] why things have happened to in the past.
De’Vannon: I think that’s a beautiful breakdown. And when you were explaining about the cake and the gym, my mind went to, so, so I have a clothing store called down under apparel and I’ve, I’ve worked with models before, and these guys are like zero body fat, eight packs, you know, all of that sort of stuff.
And the first photo shoot that I ever did, you know, they showed up with a bag of like jelly. And, um, and they were, and I was like, I couldn’t understand, like, I don’t get it. You look like that. What’s your eating bad. This isn’t fair, plain explain, you know, like, bro, we don’t do this all the time, but you know, it was like, you know, they had been preparing for, for the photo shoot.
So they had been going without, until now they were rewarding themselves with those coveted, just the wheat and everything like that. And you know, you will see the Olympic athletes that they got the Olympics going. Now, as soon as they’re done with the Olympics, they’re at, McDonald’s [00:14:00] getting fast food and everything and all of that and you know exactly what, and that felt that’d probably be so great going into them.
You know, they’re listening to this and going. Yep. Yep. Yep. Amen. Amen. And amen. And, um, Okay. So I w I would like for you to tell me about like a client success story, of course we won’t, we’ll call him Joe or whatever the hell you feel like calling him. Now, look, I want something juicy. I want, I want a train wreck case.
Somebody was a hot day, um, feisty mess. And then when you looked at him and thought, maybe I can’t do nothing with this when I don’t know, somebody mess up from the float up is what I want to hear about. And then how, how you help them turn that thing around.
David: Mm. A lot of guys that come to me, they’re not like in, in real messages, there’s not just small tweaks that they need.
Right. There’s really small tweaks. [00:15:00] So as a client, I had to, not too long ago, he, he hadn’t been on a date in a few years. He hadn’t had any sort of physical activity to me
De’Vannon: that sounded like a train wreck to me. You’ve put in a nicely, that’s what I call messed up from the flow up. Now you say no physical activity.
So we hadn’t had no sex in like four years. And what you’re saying, oh, that’s a train wreck. I’m gonna be quiet. Go head on. I just want people to be clear, that’s a train wreck.
David: So, so yeah, after working for a few weeks together, um, you know, you’ve got to, to going to like some speed dang events. Right. But he was interested in, so he went to some speeding events and beforehand, you know, we’ve been talking about conversation, how to show up, how to be playful, how to, you know, be, be the character that he is.
And, you know, he goes to the speeding event. I think he leaves there. I mean, he’s got like four or [00:16:00] five matches. I think there was like maybe 10 women there, four or five matches. And for him, he was blown away, you know? Cause this was like he’s before he’s been on date for ages. Right. So now he’s like, wait, that’s four or five matches.
This is a problem I’ve never had. I don’t. We do, I do. I come up with and I was like, well, you can go out with all of them. Right. You know, you don’t have to choose in this moment. You know, if you want to go out with them, go out all of them. Right. So there’s one, one guy goes to see a few times. And um, I think he goes on a few dates with her and the one day we were talking and he’s like, oh, you know, I feel like on the beach was pushing to come back to my place.
And I was like, So, so what, what did he do? He was like, no, no, you know, I didn’t think it was right, blah, blah, blah. And then we kind of unpack that, right. Because sometimes we have these ideas of what’s not right and wrong. It’s like, well, what did you want? What did she want? Right. And what was authentically, there was no manipulation about that.
So a few days later, um, [00:17:00] he was messaging me in the morning was like, oh, you know, the girl’s saying these sorts of things to me. And I was like, what’s true for you? What would you really love? You know? And he’s like, I’d love to give her a massage. And I was like, okay, cool. Well, you know, talk to her about that.
So that evening she goes around to his place. And, uh, I remember being a bit panicked beforehand again, he called and was like, you know, what’s going on? He was like, I’m worried, you know, maybe, you know, she doesn’t really want that. Maybe this, maybe that. And I said, okay, what’s true for you. And what do you sense on her?
Right. There’s the two things you just feed into those things. Right. Don’t get too much into like how things have to be, because things don’t have to be any way. And, um, so they get the girl came round and they spent the night together, you know, and they had a good time. So, you know, I was very happy about that.
And obviously, you know, it’s not always as about getting laid and having sex, but he, they had a really beautiful eating together, massage and stuff like that. And they, they both share some, some kinks as well. So they’re able to explore that [00:18:00]swapping together. So that was really beautiful to, to hear. Um, I didn’t turn it to relationship for him, but he started to enjoy dating.
I think that was the most important thing actually with, for him was after that he started to date. He started to enjoy it. It’s like to have fun when he dated. Right. And this is a big thing for all of us to go from just dating, being this chore. Like it’s like a job, like it’s work. So to go to Ashley, realize that things about connecting with new human beings, we should always be a beautiful expanse.
De’Vannon: Man. You’re like the best big brother ever. Like that is like, gosh, if I’d had somebody in my life had given me a relationship like that, like that relationship, advice like that when I was younger, maybe I wouldn’t have turned into a ho. And,
De’Vannon: but that is absolutely. Incredible because he went from no physical interaction.
He was abstaining forward for all kinds of reasons. And then when he did finally do it, you walked him through the anxiety. You were there, you were truly [00:19:00] his coach. I’ve, I’ve played sports before. There’s nothing like having like a good coach in your corner. So they make you feel like you can do things you ordered or you, you don’t think you can.
And then that was a pivotal moment from her, for him, because that imprinted upon him, his understanding a different way of being, and that’s what it’s all about. So you can go from being a train wreck to a super fast training and, uh, and you know, living your best life. I want you to go back to how you were saying, like, in your twenties, you were having, you know, a lot of meaningless sex and everything.
A lot of guys are like fucking their way through town, you know, clocking talking girls left and right. And so you said you were seeking for a lot of validation from him, but you really didn’t get any validation from it. So. What inclined you to think that as a man, you should be sleeping with a whole bunch of women.
And then at what point did you realize that look, this isn’t working.
David: Yeah, yeah, no, it’s a [00:20:00] beautiful question. So really poignant question, because I think it has to start with the fact that I didn’t really have a father who was in my life. My dad was, he doesn’t actually live that far from even now, but he’s not much of a, a present person in my life.
Right. He’s he’s not emotionally able to be with a child. He’s not able to really nurture in any way. And I know it’s not his fault. You know, I’ve really spoken to him about this to a certain degree about his upbringing and realize that it really was his, that was like completely absent as a human being.
But they’re physically, which I think sometimes it’s almost worse because you see the person there and you kind of think this is how it should be or this how it shouldn’t be, but they don’t give you a decent example. So I grew up with a lack of like masculinity, uh, example in my life and all the men have like friends of my mom’s friends.
I could always look at these men and go, you’re not the sort of man that I look up and I should look up to. I always knew I was always like, Nope, you’re not sort of managed to look up to. So I didn’t have anyone in my life to say, [00:21:00] this is how you be a man. Right. So I remember going to university. Women start to pay attention to me.
So I was like, oh, you know, I’ll sleep one. And then I was sleeping with two and then I would be really honest and be like, look, I don’t want a girlfriend. I wanna, you know, I want to enjoy myself. And I would tell them like, you know, so no one was expecting, I wasn’t lying about it. Right. It’s especially at the start, it wasn’t really crying about it.
So then I was like, oh, this is fun. And then other guys are like, oh Dave, you’re the man. But they don’t usually say those words, but they, you know, you get a lot of man points from, from men. And then on the, another perverse turn of this is that when you are being with a lot of women, other women also become more attracted to you, right?
Because they see you with other women and they, they kind of gravitate towards you. So you’re in this kind of cycle. And this was for years where, you know, I would go in and out of relationships, but I’d just be like sleeping with a lot of women at any given time, maybe four or five women I’m meeting up with for a number of months.
And in many ways it was very flattering and very [00:22:00] validating way of being a man and being a virile, you know, accomplished man, especially in the bedroom. There was a day. And I never forget this day. She was, it was about, probably about 10 years ago, 10, yeah, 10 and 10 and a half years ago. And I slept with this girl and I left them my bedroom.
So in the place I’m in now, and I sat on my sofa, which is different in front of you. I’m seeing, and I had some biscuits in the hand and I was eating the biscuits. And at one point I finished the biscuits and I just sat there, staring at the wall and I kind of had my head in my hands and then I laid down and fell asleep on the sofa.
Right. But what I was feeling there was this emptiness. I didn’t really want to go back into the bedroom with the girl because there was no real connection with me and her. And I was just like, this is empty. You know, this is empty.
I was like this isn’t, this is empty and it’s not making me feel good, but it’s externally validating [00:23:00] me. And it’s very easy to get very addicted to that external validation. Right. And even get quite addicted to the evacuation of being with a woman and ejaculating and touching them and holding them.
Right. It could be quiet and addictive thing. If you’ve never look at the underlying feeling that’s happening, that you’re running away from. Because often as a man, if you’re just constantly chasing sex, you’re chasing the next woman or the next man. Right. You’re chasing something, but what’s behind you.
What are you running away from? Right? This is, we often forget. This is like often we just running away from ourselves and our own feeling of loneliness or worthlessness or, or a desire for connection. And in that moment, I was like, I thought. And I’ve got like four women I could call up tomorrow and they’d all come to my house, you know, and I felt lonely in those moments.
So I started to make changes. Then I started definitely to make changes then in it, you know, sometimes I would say, let’s say necessary. I felt I was, there was a point where I worried I was a sex addict, you know, I’ve, I’ve been accused by a woman. I was seeing, she was just like, you have an addiction, you know, you don’t need to be sleeping with four women.
And I really fought [00:24:00] about that for a long time and it worried me. Um, but after that I was like, you know, I don’t need to live like this. I don’t need to just kind of for want of a better phrase, churn through women in that way. You know? So I kind of left those day behind and you know, there’s a couple of times I flirted with that life a little bit, but I was still a lot more conscious of.
Am I doing this because this is a really beautiful experience with someone who I’m really enjoying my time with, or am I doing this just because I’m running away from like, you know, looking at my own thoughts and feelings about my own loneliness or my own inadequacy. So, you know, that’s that self-mastery pieces again, you know, it’s looking at why you’re doing something and understanding that instead of just denying it,
De’Vannon: that’s like how I learned in my, um, kept the therapy training when I got my certification and hypnosis, you know, so much of it revolved around understanding the why behind the why, how we can do things like on autopilot or for all of these great reasons.
And the real reason behind it is embedded deep within our [00:25:00] subconscious and then have noses all about breaking through the conscious mind and getting to the root of problem that a lot of times as it is that our upbringing, everything. So a person may be having baby out there being. Or, um, maybe having problems in their relationship at work, all kinds of things.
And it’s because of something negative anchored in their self and their subconscious in which the subconscious, I think was like 78% of the brain or something like that. And I think the content was only like 12% of our members. I mean, shit, 88%. 12% for the conscious mind of our member directly. So most of what we are doing is being manipulated by experiences that we’ve had before, until we became up to that.
And what you’re doing is in that vein of work and your experiences speak to that. So you were able to basically coach yourself, you know, you know, you know, to go to a better state of thinking and [00:26:00] being now. You also said that you avoided commitment and it was due to a deep seated fear of rejection or of choosing the wrong woman.
I really want you to talk about the rejection aspect because from my dealings with men and, and y’all have dealt with a lot of them in Monday, mama, no mama. No. Uh, I did. I did with you there too, but I was, I was fucking a whole lot of men when I was like in the military and you know, and all of that as a little bit different, you know, but still I was, you know, trying to fill a void for me.
You know, my dad, my dad would refer me to administrate and you know, that wasn’t gonna happen. And so, you know, where do you go from there? And now I’m in the military. I’m 17. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. So I can’t really say. Good relationship. I’ll get kicked out, but you know, Nick is readily available. So what you gonna do?
David: and so,[00:27:00]
De’Vannon: and then I was in a college town. I had,
I was like 19 and everything, the fire, the fire. And so, um, but a lot of men have this like rejection. I don’t know if you would call it a complex or whatever. You know, these big, strong, handsome men are, you know, who a lot of us, a lot of us girls would say, you just, it’s always Leah concern, you know, can do no wrong.
But when they approach us, they can turn and we can sit and say, Such fear, you know, coming off of men who we didn’t would not have put, looked at that way, unless he started acting that way. So where is this fear of rejection coming from? What is it? What did he do with it? [00:28:00]
David: Yeah. Yeah. And as you put it, so whoa, like sometimes the men, they think of it, you know, for want of a better word, you can, they come over and you can feel that there’s this fear of being rejected.
And there’s a perverse thing that happens, especially if we’re talking about, you know, the, the initial approach where you go over to someone and you’re afraid of being rejected. So you speak almost quite timidly. You’re not committed to the, you don’t feel committed to whatever you’re saying. So the person can feel the lack of commitment, but feels.
There’s something off here. There’s a lack of safety in some way. So they then respond in crime. Right? And then the person who’s feeling the rejection feels the response that is a bit cagey isn’t full-blooded and then experiences rejection, often ejects. That’s a very common cycle that happens in a bar or club.
For me, it was a bit deeper than that. It wasn’t this about the original rejectionist around inside of relationship. Right? Like not being accepted as I was, the rejection of me is like [00:29:00] not being accepted. The fear for me was the BMI relationship and they get to know me and then they would reject me.
Right. Which would cause me to want in many ways, it’s like to hide certain things, not say certain things about who I was, because if they, if I show them all the bits and pieces that they like. Most of that, they’re going to like, and then they can accept me as I am. But the problem inside of that is, is there’s a self-rejection that’s happening constantly, right?
Which wears away at us because we are basically telling ourselves that there’s parts of who we are that are bad and wrong and needs to be hidden from other people. And that people will not accept about us and that we don’t accept those parts. So there’s that city, a cycle of continuous self-rejection of ourselves.
It actually makes us feel worse. And also we project that, that rejection on to other people assume that they’re doing the same thing to us because ultimately we always see the world for a lens of how we see ourselves. So a lot of the, the, the fear of rejection, isn’t it. [00:30:00] That we think of the people who are rejecting us really it’s about, we are continually rejecting ourselves, right?
So for me, that was just like constant. Like, okay, if I say this, then she’ll get upset. And if I say this, you went like that, you know, trying to hide. And it just becomes a very high energy game just to maintain things in a, in a way, instead of what I much prefer to operate in now, which is like, this is who I am.
I’ve accepted who I am, but for the most part, because there’s always bits, we’re trying to take out the backpack right. And acceptable. This is who I am. I’m accepting. This is, this is how it is. Right. There’s things here that could be better. There’s things that could be improved. That’s okay. But I look at them and I say, yeah, that’s a part of who I am.
De’Vannon: Okay. So it’s about self-acceptance of what, but, okay. So, so when you say a fear of choosing the wrong woman, so is this something that happens once you made some. Improvement in yourself as a man. At what point did he [00:31:00]begin where you, um, avoiding commitment? Cause you were afraid you might pick the wrong girl.
David: Um, this was continuous, continuous, like a continuous thing that I would be with the woman for maybe six months a year. And, but I’d also kind of have my half my eye on like, okay, if this doesn’t work out, you know, I can still be fine kind of thing. Right. So the fear is that she’s not the right woman for me.
So if that’s that fear is true, that I need to also be like looking out for what’s wrong with her constantly, you know, nitpicking finding forth, but also have one eye on the exit. It’s like, you know, it’s basically like living with one foot out the door, meaning you’ll never fully commit to someone. You never give them your all which, which for the other person is horrendous.
Right. Cause it, it creates a lot of anxiety for them. But for me doing it, it also creates anxiety for me, for me. But it’s also had me on this kind of high alert of always nitpicking back. Something that I [00:32:00] have to really be conscious of now. Right. Is that I give unsolicited advice to my partner now, or I’m like, oh, like even the other day she was cooking.
Some planting, um, resonates. I’ve taught a Swedish woman to cook Jamaican food. So there is some time to see us. She loves it. Right. She’s cooking. You’re welcome. You’re welcome. Bye.
And she’s, she’s cooking the plant in and I’m like, oh, you need to cook that a bit longer. Oh, you should. You should tell him that. And it’s like, I have to, then I w I sat down and I say, Hey, I’m leaving. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, because this is part of this like, oh, you could be better. This is wrong.
Something’s wrong. And it’s something that I still have to manage. Right. So I have to be really aware, it’s shine my light of awareness. But in the past it was worst because I wouldn’t even, I would be nitpicking at the women I was with verbally, but also be like, well, you know, with all these things, you’re definitely not the right one for me to be [00:33:00] with, you know?
De’Vannon: Okay. Okay. So that, that kind of echoes whether it echoes what we were talking about with like the hypnotherapy, because what you’re saying is you were dealing with her on the surface off of a, an, an inner belief that you had or interferes that you had and stuff like that. I’ve had to do that to, you know, and, and, and dial it back.
Which, which is something hard for somebody who’s as extra as Maya this to do, but, but it can be done. It can be done. So hopefully y’all,
David: and it helps the relationships as well. Right?
De’Vannon: Yeah. And when you do a little less, you know, I used to be, you know, like super critical and stuff like that. And I, I believe that was me speaking forward, the voice of those who were, who have been critical of me in the past, my dad and in the military, the church, you know, and, you know, then I brought that into the relationships and now I’m like, okay, why, why am I doing this?
And [00:34:00] so it’s always beautiful when we have that moment, you know, like you and I have had where we begin to question why we’re doing what we’re doing while we’re thinking the way we’re thinking, where did this come from? And then taking ownership of ownership of it and changing it to.
Let’s let’s have some fun. We’re going to talk about some sexual things. Now I want to know what are the secrets for men lasting longer in bed? And you said in my, in my readings of you, that it’s not about, um, where you sit on your podcast. I believe it’s not about being a porn star and lasting for hours.
It’s about lasting as long as you want to.
David: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think we we’ve watched all this porn, right. Ultimately porn has become. I’ll say it’s education, you know, rightly or wrongly porn has become our sex education, but that’s our generation, right? Because our parents were too scared to talk about sex because they were [00:35:00] clueless to be honest.
Right. And you know, the younger generation I’m seeing now, I’ve got the younger sisters about 10 years or so younger. And at least they have, um, there’s a bit more in, in terms of like healthy, uh, sexual kind of education now. So for us there was porn. So we watched porn and most of the porn we watched was, you know, a few minutes long.
They were like going as hard as they could for, you know, five minutes, three minutes. And if you’re watching, you know, Petra, heteronormative, poor, like me, it’s all about the penis in the vagina. The woman is like weathering and screaming all over the place, even though no one’s touching the crit risks. No one’s done any foreplay.
That’s right. And that, and that becomes a man’s education for sex. You know, a lot of guys, they go into sex and it’s like, okay, cool. I need to give this one the best two minutes of their life, you know? And it’s not even two minutes of like, oh, not including the floor place. Like no, that’s includes the four pay because that’s all they’ve seen.
Right. That’s the only reality of what sex is. [00:36:00] So I work with guys and it’s like, okay, cool. You want to have you, you want to last longer because every man, almost every man you meet is like, yeah, I wouldn’t mind last a bit longer. So I usually start with, with the pace. The first thing we do is slow down, slow things down, because as much as we think we’re really enjoying a few minutes of hard action, there’s actually so much more enjoyment to being hard on.
We can slow down. We have a whole body. The, as I say now, I learned from my tantric lenses. Our whole body is an instrument of pleasure. We have all these senses that we can use for erotic pleasure. If we choose to, you know, the taste, the smell, the sound, if we just spend the time to, to drop in, to relax, to breathe and to, to be present.
Right? So the first thing is to slow down, like when we in, in the, in the accident as well, and also to build up slowly, it’s really important to build up slowly, because if you build up slowly as, as men, our arousal can rise very quickly, right. We can go from [00:37:00] fucking zero to erection, to penetrating in, in a 30 seconds.
So it really is. We talking, you know, one minute to 30 seconds, but for us, like for me, it was sleeping with women. Women can take anything from 20 minutes to an hour, really to be ready for sex. Right. So there’s a huge mismatch there. Right? You’ve got one minute and ready. You’ve got like 20 minutes, half an hour, I’m ready.
And it’s like, how do we marry this up? Right. So. The thing I teach men is to slow down, slow down, be present, be really focused on the sensations of touch with the person you’re with. Even if you’re with someone and they’re trying to speed things up, slow things down a little bit. There’s no rush. We’re all conditioned to going really quickly.
It’s like the rest of our lives. We just run around like mad people all the time. Why? Because we’re conditioned to do that. We don’t stop and think, wait a minute. Can I do all this shit slowly? Yeah, I could. And I was, I might enjoy it more, you know? So, so that’s the kind of in, in play [00:38:00] insects way of, you know, uh, slowing things down as well as I’d add in breathing, deep breathing is a good one, breathing very deeply, you know?
Cause it moves. It also moves the sexual energy, the S the sensations around the body. You feel more, not just in your cock, not just in your, in your groin. You start to feel the sensations in your feet and your toes and your hands up the back of your spine and so forth. But I also teach men that before they’re even having sex, they can start to do.
At home on their own, right? In terms of, you know, like mindful masturbation practice, like a self pleasure practice that includes meditation, maybe a few minutes of meditation, then it includes some, some Breathworks and deep breathing, you know, to relax the body. And then when you do get to put your hands on your cock, right, don’t just put your hands there.
You have a whole body, you can touch, you can start to learn about the different parts of your body that you enjoy being touched on. You know, for many men, my belief is 90% of men have no idea that they can enjoy any other sort of [00:39:00]touch other than on their Cox. They don’t realize that maybe they really sensitive in loads and it feels amazing for them to be, to be stroked or even just slightly licked, you know, because you just have to find that, right.
But lot body parts, you just have to find that just right. Type of touch. Right. And you have to, you have to spend some time to experiment, you know, because it might not be firm. It might be soft. It might be like, Featherlight, it might even just be some blowing, right. That feels amazing. And you have this whole body to, to kind of find that out about, and there’s like, there’s all these different parts.
And so you’d have to spend time, but if we’d done this at this free cock centered sex, you’ll never know you’ve missed out on this whole life of all these beautiful sensations. So I teach mentor to, you know, be with themselves, be more connected to their own body and what they enjoy, you know, relax, but also to use different strokes when they’re alone, you know, not just the standard up and down with one hand, you know, you use two hands, use a, get a flashlight and use that as well.
You know, like really experiment, really being [00:40:00] playful. Being the playfulness of yourself to learn, because this allows you to understand your arousal a bit more. And it also means that when you start getting very aroused, when you’re alone, you can slow down and you start to understand your arousal rate as it rises so that when you do go into the bedroom with someone else, you can slow down.
When you find yourself getting very aroused, because you want it to last longer. And it means then you just riding the waves, man, just riding these waves as they get a bit higher and then you can choose exactly when you want to. When you want to comment when you want actually,
De’Vannon: oh, I think what you just invented, I would call, um, masturbation meditation.
David: That’s exactly how I describe
De’Vannon: it. You should call it patent. Trademark gets that, that our circle thing on there, new masturbation meditation, founds, Fabiola.
I mean, for the man out there. [00:41:00] All y’all got sensitive. Nicole’s ears pretty much for the most part, if I haven’t slept with a thousand men and I have at least y’all yeah. The deck for sure. But your ears and your know-hows trust me. Just let, let somebody touch them and see what happened.
David: Yeah. So
De’Vannon: does this get into the area of sexual performance anxiety or is that kind of like the same thing?
David: No, no, there’s a lot of, uh, you know, sexual performance. Anxiety is something that is, is huge for men around lasting long enough, right? There’s a, this concern is fear about lasting long. I’ve been big enough having a nice enough body pleasing the partner, you know, all these things play on the mind of, of, of, you know, sex performance, anxiety, even for men in relationship.
I know that some of my clients are like their anxieties around that they have a much lower sex drive than their partner. So their anxiety almost [00:42:00] is like, I’m going to come home. You’re going to want sex. And if I don’t want to, how am I going to deal with, how am I going to manage that? Right. So all these sorts of anxieties I’ve already.
I do a lot of work for men about, you know, what’s the anxiety, what is it? How can you work for it? How can you discuss it with your partner? Right. Where does it really come from? Is it a real anxiety, even, you know, is it a real fear and worry when it comes to sex? Like the one around often that comes from men is like, oh, I want to please, my partner, I’ve heard, she’s been with other men, you know, we want to please her.
And it’s like, okay, how do you think you go about that? How do you think you’d go about pleasing your partner? And this is a beautiful question, right? Because the way men come at sex a lot, right. Especially heterosexual man is I am doing sex to someone I’m doing sex to a woman. I am doing it to her. It’s like, um, it’s a it’s, it’s not a co-creation right.
It’s not a, uh, something you’re both doing [00:43:00] together
De’Vannon: from, from the woman’s perspective. Sorry to get you off. But, um, so when, whenever, whenever. What I’m going to illustrate what you’re saying. So like when I’ve received the deck from men before, it’s like, man, look, they would look at me like I’m going to be like a workbench or like some sort of project.
Okay. So while he’s up there thrusting, everything’s like, he’s studying my reaction, everything like that and see what he is doing to me and the effect that he’s having on me. It’s a project to be done. This is what he’s talking about, about people of the audience. And that’s what I wanted to say. Go ahead and continue that.
David: Oh, that’s beautiful customer. Yeah. Yeah. It’s like, it’s a it’s it’s do you know what it is? It’s very much nail on hammer. The hammer. The nail is the passive object in it. I mean, actually it’s not that way. Right? Because, so when I do say so how are you going to please this partner you’re going to be with [00:44:00] this woman.
They’re like, oh, then I need to know. I need to know, you know, how to make her calm. Okay, cool. How are you going to know how to do that? But you don’t need to watch a video. Okay. What would you going watch? Uh, you know, there’s some stuff on YouTube or, you know, porn or whatever, or other porn sites, right.
Tutorials. Okay, cool. And then when you’ve watched that, what are you gonna do? Okay. So when I’m with her, and then I want to start remembering the stuff I learned and then do that stuff to her. Cool. How’d, you know, she liked it. Um, uh, she’ll come how’d, you know, when she comes and, and you know, a lot of us, we, all men are not really sure.
Right. That I dunno. Cool. And we get to down this line of, you know, sometimes they add in some more techniques to learn and I go, what else could you do? Sometimes they’re done founded and I’m like, so could you ask her what she likes? And then there’s usually a silence. Which I [00:45:00] can’t do that. How am I going to do that?
Then? She’ll know, I don’t know what to do. Why would, you know what to do? This is a completely new human being, and this here is just a coaching conversation. I’ve had like 20, 30 times. Right. And they’re like, I can do that. I can ask them like what they like. Yeah. And then what will they tell me if they know?
Yeah. And then you can do those things, right? Yeah. And then you know that they enjoy that because they told you because they told you beforehand. Yeah. And isn’t that a much better thing. And it opens up a lot more, but this is so radical. Right. Because there’s this idea that we should all know exactly how to have sex really well with any different person that comes along.
Right. Which is really, when you think about is ludicrous. And what it also does on the flip side is with this masculine doing too, it also means that a woman becomes, she doesn’t have any responsibility. Right. Which isn’t good, right. For her own pleasure because it’s [00:46:00] like, oh, he does this to me. So if I have a shit time out, fuck is his fault.
Cause he shouldn’t bet. So it means that all the responsibility sits with the man about, you know, being right, being good. And the woman’s left generally unhappy. Right? Let’s be honest about it. Right? If you canvas women around the world about their sexual enjoyment with, with the men that we’ve. So what my thing is rebalancing is like saying to women, and I think there’s a lot of female empowerment.
There’s a lot of beautiful female empowerment happening. And I love to see, you know, I try to even be part of it, right. Where I can is like speak up as a woman and say, this is what I want. This is what I need is what I desire as a man. Hear that and hear that as like a person that you’re with a woman you love, who’s loving you.
Who wants you to feel pleasure and wants you to know what she enjoys to bake. You can enjoy it together. And it becomes a co-creation instead of the project being done to.
De’Vannon: A co a co-creation a project working on [00:47:00] together. Sounds a lot better. It really, really does. And, um, but, but you in pun intended, hit the nail on the head when you were talking about when you were talking about men, not men, not feeling like they could just ask the simple question, communicating and stuff like that is the, if the episode or of any sort of connectiveness that anyone that any two or more people are going to have together.
And it’s really just that simple or. And, you know, you could just ask, you know, there’s the, there’s no need to make it a pop quiz or an exam. There’s just, it’s just simple girl. What do you like? And look, women are freaky as hell and not like she’s some shy little school girl, just because she don’t come out at him.
Perverted, you know, society has taught her, you know, she’s got to act like a lady and that’s a whole other thing, but trust me, she know what to do with a Dick. Women love sucking them. [00:48:00] She can move them and love the male anatomy and, uh, but a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of us, the girls are waiting on you to initiate a lot of stuff.
But once you do that baby, well, then it’s all good. You know,
David: it’s a question. Is it similar in the, in the Creek community? Is it there’s there’s men who are like, I do the
De’Vannon: Dewey. And then what community, how did you refer to it?
David: In the queer community?
De’Vannon: Okay. Yeah, I thought she said, it’s the term that I had been recognized. I was like, okay, this is a new thing from across the pond.
Okay. So something in a gay world, if you are the penetrative one, the one who’s sticking the Dick into the asshole or whatever hole you are choosing that particular day. Then we call you a top. If you are the one receiving the Dick and we call you a bottom, if you Afrique and you like at all, we call you versatile.
And, um, [00:49:00] but yeah, it’s very much, the dynamics are not the same. I’m glad you brought that up because that was going to be my next point, how these, these struggles are the same for gay men, straight men by men, men who prefer not to be labeled any kind of way, but at the end of the day, even in the gay world, I mean, I mean, I’ve had straight men by men, gay men and everything.
It’s the same across the board in terms of if they get stage fright, if they are feeling insecure and stuff like that, if they feel, you know, the whole, you know, men can get into their fields and it doesn’t matter. And so everything that David has said, this applies to gay men, straight men. Then you have a lot of gay men who were super, super, super, super, super machismo that it doesn’t matter.
You know, he, he w he’ll tell you that he’s gay, but that doesn’t, he doesn’t view himself as a feminine or girly or anything at all. You know, it’s all about, you know, and then they’ll get into fights and everything [00:50:00] like that. Like, it doesn’t matter. I’m not saying men are fighting us what they do, but that brings me to toxic masculinity.
I want you to talk, talk to us about. What it is, you know, why it’s a problem? Where does this toxic masculinity come from? My Naval guy who, who knows he’s toxic has toxic masculinity. You know, like he knows it. He’ll be like, yeah, I’ll have toxic masculinity. Like, and you know, and then the conversation would go from there.
And it, and it was because when I was a massage therapist, I was like, yeah, you should come get a massage. And Tommy was like, yeah, no only girls only girls get attached to me. And I was like, okay. You know, and that, you know, people don’t want to have sex with you just so they give you a massage. Like it just, I’m sorry, it’s not that serious.
And he’s like, you know, he was like, yeah, I know, I know. But I just have to talk to them as salinity. And you know, this is just how it is, you know, whatever
free from these expectations in this [00:51:00] toxic, I don’t know. You talk, I don’t know what to say by,
David: so I think your friend there is a really good example actually, of where we talk about the self-mastery it’s like he’s identified, there’s a problem right there. And he’s identified that he actually, I don’t know if it is a problem for him, that’s, there’s another, but he’s not willing to look at the underlying thing.
Like why is it that he’s toxic and why does he hold these beliefs? And I guess also the question is is why is he not willing to give them up or try something different? Right. But that’s a, that’s a whole different conversation. So for me, the, the, the thing about toxic masculinity is that, and also the first thing that was spaced the word toxic masculinity and not synonymous of each other.
Right. I think we’ve moved into a world where some people think that all masculinity is toxic and I really deeply disagree. And I could find so much evidence to only one who doesn’t agree with that. So what we’ve, we’ve really got in this day and age, you’ve got the, the patriarchy, and I don’t need to explain that to anybody.
Right. Which you know, is [00:52:00] hurting black people is hurting white men as well is hurting everybody really. Right. But what it’s saying is that it gives us these very small boxes that we have to live in. Like it’s saying that. To be a masculine man. You can only be a certain way, right? Which is you need to be big.
You need to be buff. You need to be straight. Uh, you need to want to have sex with women all the time. You need to probably, you know, earn good money, have a nice house, drive a fast car and all these things, right. And this box over here of what being masculine is, you know, think of, think of James Bond in the seventies.
You know, that was for me is like not the pinnacle of masculinity, but he’s very, he’s very masculine manually. It doesn’t show any emotion. That’s something you can’t do. If you’re a masculine man, you can’t show emotion. You can’t care very much about anything. That’s sweet. If you’re a masculine man, you don’t really care about anything.
You know, you have to be quiet. Um, there’s even an aggressive nature to being a real kind of masculine man. So all these things, if you put them all together, Right. There [00:53:00] are definitely part of masculinity. The problem that’s really lacking when it used someone who is toxic exhibiting these toxic masculine traits is they lack, compassion and love right.
For themselves. But it also have a people because if you have these masculine traits and you start to bring in compassion, right. And love the man who is saying, I can’t have a massage from, from a guy when he brings love into that, he’s like, oh, well, this actually would be really beautiful for me. Right.
I’m going to, it’s going to be nice and maybe. There’s a bit of uncomfortability, but I can have compassion for my own uncomfortability and still do this thing. Right. And I think that’s where we’re really lacking is this love, this compassion, compassionate for each other. And we just talked through our world.
You know, our capitalist world is just like, everything’s about results. Everything’s about money, you know, and we don’t care about nurturing. We don’t care about even creativity. You know, even something as simple as artistry is being decimated [00:54:00] really in our countries because Hey, if it doesn’t make money, then it’s worthless, you know, kind of thing.
So, you know, all those things we would traditionally say are more feminine traits. And when I say masculine and feminine, I’m not saying these things are gendered. It’s just the, you know, when we look at these things, you know, first of all, you look at some of the Eastern traditions, uh, like tantra for instance, is very much seen.
You know, the feminine is the, what they often call Shakti’s the energy of life. It is like full blooded flow and force. And the masculine is, is she, various consciousness is direction is, is boundaries is, is a container, right? And those two things together are, have amazing creative force, but on their own, they don’t give you anything valuable.
And I think this is a problem for a lot of men is they’re just inhibiting all this masculine energy and they’re not bringing in any of these, these more feminine traits that actually will help them grow as men, right. And grow and help us grow as a community, as a world to be more loving and kind and more [00:55:00] supportive to everybody and not just be so maybe self-centered and focused on results
De’Vannon: and right in the thing is.
You know, women, well, we’re all lightened, our good and evil, masculine, and feminine everything everybody is. So that’s a part of balance. And when we don’t embrace it, then we get thrown out of balance. But see, even women like, like you were telling me before, expect certain preprogram masculine traits from men too, you know, I was one that way, you know, you know, especially coming from the south, you know, I was thinking men are supposed to act this way, you know?
So if a guy did not act a certain way, I remember one time, this was really fucking, you know, tough to do, but like tattoos everywhere when I was like, you know, you know, on the streets. And they were like heavily involved in drugs and everything, you know, who was known, you know, having a big Dick and all of that, you know, you know, that type of guy [00:56:00] wanted like a grape soda or something one day.
And I was thinking, you know, You know, you know, grape soda, you know, I was like, okay, that’s kind of like girly compared to the sort of man that I’m looking at here standing before me, you know, but it wasn’t right for me to put that, put that restriction on him. If he wants to pound some pussy and then go get a grape soda, then he could fucking pounds of pudding to get a very solid, it doesn’t have to be or scotch or a bear or nothing like that.
He don’t have to go get high. And again, you know, he wants some, a Fresca, wherever the fuck makes Greg sodas, I don’t drink soda, but you know that, you know what, that was his right. I shouldn’t have done that to him. So what do I get that bullshit from in my mind? So that was me having some toxic bullshit going on about what he should be doing and rather than accepting him for what he was.
And, um, so talk to us about how women can expect this too, from people and how this hurts women as well.
David: Yeah, because we’re all conditioned with the same [00:57:00] patriarchy, they’re all conditioned with the same, uh, toss, toxic masculinity. So we’ve seen so much of this toxic mess and anything we’ve gone. Okay.
This is how men should be. So then women are looking for a man, right. And they’re like, they meet a man, maybe like me, for instance, who is, who would be like, you know, and I had this a lot when I was, um, in my twenties and even in my early thirties, it’s like, women would be like, oh, you’re quiet. You’re quite girly.
Really? Aren’t, you’re quite capped. I’d be like, yeah, I guess so. Yeah. I wear a color and I dance. I love to dance. I dance at my home on my own and I’ll do all sorts of weird and wonderful things. And they’d be like, oh, that’s quite girly. And I’d be like, yeah. And you see there, you’re hearing in there, they have associated something like dancing in a man of something that’s girly or wearing color.
Like, you know, the shirt you have on right now. I’m like, that’s a fucking awesome shirt. I’ll be wearing that shirt if I was out, you know? So it’s like, women would be like, oh, [00:58:00] that’s a bit, you know? Okay. Are you, I used to get asked a lot. Are you gay? And I’m like, no, no, I’m not gay. And they’d be like, oh, I’m really sorry if I offended you.
I’m like, no, no, no, no, that’s fine. I understand why you said that to me. It’s not offensive to me. That’s what you’re thinking. It’s not about me. And this is the thing is that when we learn these, we conditioned into this toxic masculine way. And then we project it onto everybody and expect them to be this way.
And then the worst thing is, is that. If we have this idea that men see difference, the woman has it. Oh, all men, you know, they sleep around, right. That’s how they are because they are men, which is a toxic trait to say a woman sleep around. So then they meet a man and they’re dating, or they get married to have babies.
And they’re like, oh, you know, all man, they sleep. My husband, you know, he’s sleeping off a women. That’s just how men are. And that’s where she has taken on this toxicity that she’s learned. She has kind of, um, embedded that into her belief system. And then she allows that to happen a life when really being a man and sleeping around they’re, they’re two different things.
They don’t have to go together. Or [00:59:00] even we get to worst things around things like physical abuse. You know, this idea that old men are aggressive, that good men are aggressive. So if you meet a man who’s not aggressive, you’re like, well, ah, he’s not a real man. But you see another man over there who’s like fucking frame glass or when at the, at the floor, because he’s, you know, he spilled a little bit of his drink or something.
You’re like, oh, well that’s a real man. That’s where we, we kind of embed this toxic ideas into us. And then it hurts us as well, because this is the way the perverse way of the toxic masculinity is it also helps the men who are toxic because it’s it strangles them into who they’re allowed to be. You know, I have a friend of mine.
Um, he is, I’d say it’s pretty masculine guys tool. His bald is pretty bulky guy. And he did a lot of, uh, was it like street dancing? They do, it’s a street dancing classes. Right. And he didn’t tell anyone. He went to the street dancing classes because he was afraid that men would, would judge him would make fun of him.
Right. And that fee could, there [01:00:00] is what toxic masculinity does. It stops. It stops us from expressing ourselves in the way that we’d really like to, because we fear the judgment of others. So we’ve in the adjustment of us.
De’Vannon: Right. And when you’re running around, like that expecting things from people that you shouldn’t or expect things from yourself that you shouldn’t, then you were out of balance and you won’t be able to, to give love because you’re not loving yourself.
Right. And we can’t give away what we don’t have.
David: Yeah. Yeah.
De’Vannon: So then, um, I’m going to let you go ahead and have the last word and, uh, tell the listeners out there, your great wisdom and everything. I’ve so enjoyed our time today. So go ahead on and preach your gospel.
David: What’s there for me now.
I think the thing that comes up for me is around how we deal with our emotions. I think. [01:01:00] This is a big part of the work I do, especially with men is that there’s this idea that emotions are useless, and this is also a part of the kind of toxic masculinity, right? So we should, we should always do everything with the brain, but brain is superior to emotions and we should ignore them and we should, you know, get on with other things we’re doing.
And the truth is, is like our emotions are very valuable because they give us an understanding of, of our past as well, even because those emotions, some conflicts come from dysfunction. Beliefs and dysfunctional ideas we have, but they’re signposting us to help us fix those things, to heal those wounds.
But also our emotions give us guidance in the present moment will things that we’d love. And we enjoy instead of just being in the mind and where this comes into to dating sex relationships is like, if you’re dating and you’re continuously suppressing your emotion, your ability to connect with other people is going to be stunted, right?
Because we want to feed each other. We enjoy being around people. We can, we can feel what they’re like. They have big smiles, they laugh. Sometimes people that cry [01:02:00] we’d like that. Right. And when it comes to the relationship, you struggle because you’re going to feel distant from your partner, right? If there’s any of the listeners here you’ve ever been with anybody, or you are the person where, you know, you’ve told them, or you’ve been told, oh, you know, I don’t really understand.
Like, I never know what you’re thinking. I don’t even know what you’re feeling. You know, that it’s synonymous with someone who’s not really expressing themselves expressing who they are and how they feel with their partner. Right. And that just creates distance within a relationship. And then sexually where this kind of comes up is, again, you, you lack, you can create sexual situations where if you’ve not create emotional intimacy, which is being open with your emotions, sharing and listening to someone else’s emotions, you create a situation where there’s a lack of safety and people don’t feel they can relax with you.
They don’t feel that they can be open and honest about their desires and things like that. So you end up with these very, very shallow and stunted and kind of awkward sexual experiences because it lacks safety of, of the [01:03:00] kind of emotional intimacy. So, you know, the simplest thing I say to people is this is an exercise in my car.
My coaching clients to start with a lot is spent like a week where three times a day, you write down what you’re feeling. And it doesn’t have to be a lot of lines, just be a few lines. But I always say that there’s a, there’s a, a weed out there it’s called the emotional will I get my clients to read for it.
We talk about some of the words for many rise yourself with emotional words. So you get used to just knowing what they are to describe how you feel this is, and that simple thing to do for a week. The difference you’ll see in yourself, you’ll be like, wow. I was just ignoring so much of what was going on for me all the time.
And now that I’m acknowledging it, I’m seeing that there’s wisdom in it. And I’m also feeling better instead of having this kind of suppressed emotional the time. So that’s, that’s what it was really kind of there for me.
De’Vannon: And that moment I love the way you pause. And put the question out there. What’s there for me.
Look at this man being mindful.[01:04:00]
I’ve loved talking with you, David. Now your website is the authentic man.net. You can access his podcasts there, and he’s also on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram also, and all that information. And we’ll be in great detail in the show notes. Thank you so much for coming on the show today, David. I know you’ve helped a lot of men and women and the gays out there today.
So thank you so much.
David: Thank you so much for having me, brother. It’s been an absolute pleasure. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. It’s been great fun.
De’Vannon: Thank you all so much for taking time to listen to the sex drugs and Jesus podcast. It really means everything to me. Look, if you love the show, you can find more information and resources at sex, drugs, and jesus.com or wherever you listen to your podcast. Feel free to reach out to me directly firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter and Facebook as well.
My name is [01:05:00] De’Vannon and it’s been wonderful being your host today and just remember that everything is going to be all right.